Reading: Sound of Madness
by Engineer4Ever
Summary: You know you love him, you know you hate him, you know he's totally nuts! It's Deadpo-Wait? It's not Deadpool? Oh, *Reads lines*, It's Naruto Uzumaki, son of Dionysus! And he's here to kick butt and chew bubblegum, and he's all out of C4. Watch as the cast of PJO reacts to this lunatic of hilarity and try to keep their minds intact. Enjoy! XD
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **_**Percy Jackson**_** and **_**Naruto**_** aren't mine.**

**Reading: Sound of Madness**

"So, what now?" Percy asked since the Apollo Naruto book was missing due to Apollo trying to peek ahead.

"It wasn't my fault." The sun god huffed, "Stupid Fates."

"Oh yes, because it is clearly their fault," Artemis rolled her eyes.

"It is!"

A book hit Percy on the head.

"Ow!"

Annabeth picked it up as Percy rubbed his head and read the title, "Sound of Madness?" uncertainly in her voice.

A delightful twinkle entered Mr. D's eyes at the title.

All the gods looked at him.

"…Oh no," Athena said.

"Oh yes." Ares grinned, "So it's D's turn?"

"Well, I wouldn't be opposed to it." The god of wine gestured.

"Mother help us." Zeus said under his breath, he had a bad feeling about this.

"Who's reading?" Frank asked.

"Nicolas will." Dionysus pointed to Nico.

"Oh, joy." The son of Hades said dryly and took the book from Annabeth.

**The brown liquid set in his dull white mug shook lightly from the vibration his leg caused as his ADHD acted up. To settle it, he picked the mug up and took a sip. It was warm, very warm. Not too hot, nor too cold. In Goldilocks' terms, it was "just right."**

"I hear that," Annabeth said, loving a nice cup of hot coffee.

**"Mr. Uzumaki?"**

**Eyes that were a dark blue, almost purple, looked back at the boy seated across from him. Muscled and lean, mildly attractive from a girl's point of view, and with a facial structure graced by the gods themselves looked back at him nervously. Sunny blond hair that rivaled his own golden locks was cut short and pulled back with gel. He was sure if he could figure out the right joke, the boy seated across from him would give a smile as radiant as the sun.**

"Hey, it's one of mine!" Apollo beamed.

**A finger idly tapped the mug as he hummed. "Yes, Chester?"**

**"Charlie, sir."**

**"Whatever," blue eyes rolled and he sipped on his coffee. "You said the sickle-bearer would pay me for my help?"**

Apollo winced at that, "Ooh…" he averted his head from the looks he got, "That's not good."

"Well duh, Apollo." Dionysus said with a frown, "And trying to recruit my son? The nerve."

**"A hefty sum. And give you the place of your father after his...demise." **

"What place do I have? The camp?" Dionysus rolled his eyes, he could have the blasted place.

"I think your role of madness." Athena told her brother.

"Oh!"

**Charles swallowed as his eyes narrowed. The untouched latte made him purse his lips.**

**"Is there anything wrong with your drink?" He asked. Charles shook his head.**

**"N-No, sir, I'm just not that thirsty."**

"Sir?" Percy asked, "Wow, he's got to have a rep or something."

"Looks like it," Thalia frowned, "That guy looks like he wants to bolt."

**"Stop calling me **_**sir**_**. I'm only seven," he said with a roll of his eyes. **

"Seven? Yeah, and I'm not from the thirties." Nico muttered. Something was definitely wrong with this guy.

**He sipped his coffee again and frowned when he ran out of the brilliant caffeinated drink. A waitress walked past. "Excuse me, may I get an espresso? Put it on the bill for Charles Brandy."**

"Love his stuff." Apollo bobbed his head, singing, I Can't Get Enough of You Baby. Until Artemis stopped him.

**"Sure thing, hun," the girl said with a smile.**

**She walked off and he shamelessly stared at her posterior. **

"I would." Apollo nodded.

"Ah, the teenage years," Dionysus said in a whimsical tone.

"I don't even want to think of that," Percy whispered to Annabeth, who nodded.

**Nicely firm and small, like a peach. Mm...Peaches... Mental note, stop by the store and buy some fruit.**

"I so forgot about that," Hermes said, punching it into his godly cellphone.

**"Mr. Uzumaki, please, we need an answer otherwise he's going to assume you're siding with the Ol-the ones in the Empire State Building's top floor," Charles said with a nervous glance out the window.**

"Yeah, you better be nervous." Ares chuckled darkly.

"Well, he's doomed." Dionysus said in a bored tone.

Apollo grimaced, really not wanting to see what was about to happen.

**"Hm? Oh, right. Well, a hefty sum **_**is**_** a hefty sum..." He looked at his mug curiously. "Do you think they'll let me keep this?"**

**Charles blinked, baffled by the question. "I-I don't know-"**

**"Excuse me!" He called another waitress' attention. She came over and he pointed at his mug. "Is it all right if I keep this?"**

"Oh, he collects mugs. That's nice." Hazel smiled.

"Everyone needs a hobby I guess." Frank shrugged.

**"We can add it to your bill, and it's all yours," The waitress said.**

**He smiled widely. "Thank you."**

**Suddenly, the mug was smashed against the table and his free hand wrapped around the back of Charles' head. The broken mug was then jammed into Charles' exposed throat and pulled out. Charles reached for his torn throat with strangled gasps as he fell to the ground while the woman screamed in horror. **

"…That's not nice." Hazel whimpered.

"Oh Us, yes!" Ares cheered, "Nice one!"

Apollo's jaw loosened, "Oh damn."

"Guess he can't heal that one, huh, Sunspot?"

"Dude, not cool!" the sun god glared at his war brother. Even if he picked the wrong side, the kid was still his child. Oh damn…messy.

Athena rubbed her temples, it was going to be one of those days. She could feel it.

**He looked at her and his eyes flashed purple. In the split second he did, he slipped the mug into her hand and calmly stepped up and out of the booth.**

**He put a hand on the woman's shoulder and smiled at her. "Good, because I'd feel bad if you'd miss it."**

"Okay," Percy swallowed dryly.

Piper looked a tad green as Jason rubbed her back soothingly.

"Heh, funny line." Ares said with man giggles.

**The woman turned to him robotically and stared into his undoubtedly purple eyes. She and the rest of the people in the store went blank faced while Charles bled out on the table. His frantic attempts to stop the blood were ceased when a knife was suddenly shoved through one hand.**

"See?! This is the type of demigod we need nowadays!" Ares said sternly.

"Not really." Athena told him.

"I hope not." Annabeth muttered under her breath.

**"Consider this a 'no'," Naruto Uzumaki said to the boy. He then pulled the other hand away from the wound and pinned it with another knife. Naruto stepped back and cracked his neck. "You know, I'd feel bad for doing this to one of Apollo's kids...but then I remember that you and your **_**company**_** murdered my little brother and my shits just run the fuck out. Have a nice day, Christopher."**

"So it's after the battle, huh?" Nico mused.

Percy winced, that was a bad one.

Dionysus' frown was visible as his eyes were swirling purple pools.

**Naruto fixed his brown trench coat and walked out into the sidewalk of New York. Another scream came from the diner and was quickly followed by others. Naruto let a smirk cross his face as he slipped his hands into his pockets.**

"Must've used the Mist." Annabeth commented uneasily. Unsure how that application of the Mist felt.

**"So...it's begun..." Naruto's smirk grew into a crazed wide grin and his eyes flashed purple. "I think it's time to go back to camp." With that, he raised a hand with a drachma in his grasp. "Ladies! I need a ride!"**

"Worst, ride, ever." Percy deadpanned.

"It sounds fun," Leo pointed out.

"It's not." Annabeth assured him with a grimace.

**The ride was like a roller coaster, as was the norm, and the conversation was baffling – just how Naruto liked it. The Grey Sisters were riots, in his own opinion, and efficient in their work. Not to mention they were faithfully loyal to the Olympians, always a bonus in his line of work.**

"Still wouldn't go near that with a ten foot pole." Hermes blanched.

"I thought you liked their ride?"

Hermes glared at the amused eyes of Athena, "Well I don't. Even by my travel standards they go against the safety regulations in every department." He huffed, he was the god of travel and even he followed certain rules.

**However, their tendency to ensure satisfaction in a customer was the cream of the crop.**

**Which is why he had a bright smile on his face despite the fact that the Chariot of Damnation had tumbled over at least seven times once it got to the base of Half-Blood Hill. Naruto walked out of the car without a scratch and merely fixed his jacket. He turned and gave the women a thumbs up.**

**"Thanks for the ride, girls! Let's do it again sometime!" The car revved and sped off without another word. Naruto pouted slightly. "I just wanted to drive a little, is that so wrong?"**

"He really is D's." Apollo shook his head.

"Never really got a ride from them," Jason stated.

"Dude, no, trust me." Percy told him.

"Kay."

**With a sigh, he walked up the hill and stopped next to the small dragon that encircled the tree. "Hello creature I've never met before, how are you?" The dragon tilted its head and Naruto nodded sagely. "Yes, yes, rambunctious monsters like these need to be penned and on display for all the gods to watch, I agree."**

"Hey!" the demigods frowned as Dionysus was all smiles. Such a good boy.

**Without waiting for the dragon to reply, not that it would, Naruto walked down the hill into Camp with his hands back in his pockets. He ignored the odd looks and stares he received as he walked by and went right for the Big House. He saw a satyr whisper something to a boy with green eyes and dark hair, but paid it no mind. **

"Look, there's Percy!" Thalia pointed out.

"Just need to find Waldo," Reyna smirked.

Percy rolled his eyes but still had a smile on his face.

**Instead, Naruto focused on the front door of the Big House and suddenly decided to run at it. With a grin on his face, Naruto jumped over the steps and kicked his feet out. He knocked down the door with his dropkick and landed on his feet.**

"Wonderful, now I have to get someone to fix that." Dionysus sighed.

"Probably my cabin," Leo frowned, he did not fix doors. That was dumb.

**He threw his arms out and a mad smile crossed his face. "Hi Dad! I'm **_**ba-ack!**_**"**

"Luuucy~! I'm hooome~!" Apollo said in the voice of the famous sitcom star.

**The occupants of the Big House consisted, at the moment, of a centaur with a white coat and a man that wore a tiger striped Hawaiian shirt. The man looked up with a smile, small and hidden by his near-purple beard, but nodded at him.**

**The centaur paled to the point that his human skin matched his horse coat in color. "By Zeus' beard, no..."**

"This just turned ten times more fun," Dionysus beamed.

"Poor Chiron." Annabeth shook her head.

**"Chiron!" Naruto vanished and reappeared with his arms wrapped around the centaur's middle. "My **_**friend**_**! I missed you!"**

**Chiron turned to the amused man with a look of pleading on his face. He mouthed the words 'help me', but the man merely smirked.**

**"Chiron missed you too, Naruto," the man said.**

"Oh, D, you are evil."

"Well duh." Dionysus told Hermes with a grin, sipping his diet coke.

**Naruto beamed up at the centaur. "Really!?"**

**"Like a hangover," Chiron said. **

"That's funny cause D's a drunk." Ares snickered stupidly.

"Yes," Athena told him dryly.

**Naruto's hug tightened in joy as he let out a small squeal of glee. Chiron was forced to give a small grunt. "Please, Naruto, release me."**

**"Right, right, the five second rule. Sorry, Chiron, I was just so excited to see my favorite horse-guy again," Naruto stepped away from the centaur sheepishly and looked at his father, Dionysus the god of wine and madness. "Dad!" His arms were held out. "Hug?"**

"Come on, D, wobble over there you chunky monkey you."

Dionysus just glared at the grinning Apollo.

**"Not at the moment, Naruto," Dionysus said with a small smile. "The rules and all...You'll just have to hug Chiron again."**

"Nice one," Piper admitted, it was slick.

"Thank you Pepper Ann."

**"Later!" Chiron said quickly before the boy returned his damnable affection on him. Chiron glared at the god, who merely smirked in return, before he looked at the...troubled child before him. "Naruto...why have you returned?"**

**"To help with the war, duh!"**

**"Oh...wonderful..." Chiron forced a smile. "So you'll be staying for a while?"**

**Naruto nodded. "Yeah-huh! And now my cabin isn't empty, isn't that lovely!?"**

"I know the feeling," Percy nodded. He missed Tyson.

**"Yes...I am sorry about Castor," Chiron said to the boy.**

**Naruto's smile dimmed into a frown. "I didn't even get to meet him."**

**"But Pollux is still there," Dionysus said softly. He gained a smile. "I'll introduce you at dinner. We'll have a feast to celebrate your return!"**

"Party time~!" Dionysus sang gleefully.

"No." Zeus told him.

"Aww." The wine god pouted.

**"Awesome, a feast at camp! I haven't had one of those since...well, since before I was sent to that island! Or was that someone else? Some kid name Lion-o**

"Wha?" Leo blinked in confusion.

**...Meh, it'll come to me," Naruto said with a dismissive wave. He clapped his hands together. "But one condition, there has to be a never ending bowl of ra-"**

**"No."**

**Naruto deflated and pouted at Dionysus. "Aw, c'mon..."**

**"No." Chiron added sternly.**

**Naruto crossed his arms and glared at the sky. "Stupid punishment...It's not **_**my**_** fault he and his brothers can't control their libido...or that Grace was a drunk..."**

"What?" the Grace children blinked.

**"You still didn't try to save her," Chiron said.**

**"Wha-I-oh come on! She was drunk! If I saved her, I'd have to go around saving every drunk driver out there!" Naruto said. **

Zeus grimaced at that while Thalia scowled. Jason just looked uneasy.

**He pointed his thumb at Dionysus. "If anyone is to blame, it's daddy dearest over there."**

**"I'm already being punished by working here," Dionysus said dryly. "He couldn't do anything more but add on twenty years to my then eighty-year sentence. Hence, why you've been punished as well."**

Hera glared at her husband, "It was hardly their fault."

"Agreed!" Dionysus nodded.

Zeus ignored them.

**Naruto pouted. "So not my favorite grandfather…"**

**"I'm sure he's all torn up about it," Chiron said dryly.**

**"He should be!" Naruto said with a huff. "I mean, he knows me! It was a stupid idea to pick **_**me**_**."**

"Way to be stupid Zeus."

"Silence Hades!"

**"It was Chiron's suggestion," Dionysus said with a smirk. The centaur glared at him and knew this was payback for every game he'd ever lost.**

"That's just dirty." Percy frowned, Chiron shouldn't be blamed. It was Thalia's tree all over again with Mr. D getting off scot-free.

**"...I guess I could let it slide," Naruto said with a hand on the back of his neck.**

**"Uh, Chiron? Is everything okay?" The voice had Naruto turn with an exaggerated yell and throw the nearest thing he could grab, i.e. a card from the table Dionysus and Chiron were gathered around. The card flew and left a shallow paper cut in the cheek of the poor dark haired boy that had entered the Big House. "Ow!"**

"Hey!" Percy shouted.

"He was just giving you his calling card." Leo snickered.

Percy glared at him, "Not cool." He said.

**"Oh, it's just Peter," Dionysus said with a disinterested grunt.**

**"Like Peter Parker?!" Naruto asked excitedly. **

"I wouldn't mind that." Percy said, rubbing his chin. The outfit did have blue in it.

"No." Annabeth told him.

"Well, with the number of girls he attracts…" Thalia trailed off with a grin.

Annabeth just glared at her friend. Percy was hers. Plus, Spiderman was gross.

**He turned and smiled at the boy. "Welcome to the Big House Spider-man! I recommend you stay away from Cabin Seven, they got issues with spiders...or was it Cabin Five? **

Annabeth grumbled at that.

**Hm...Which one has the problems with canoe races, again?"**

**"Naruto, this is Percy Jackson," Chiron said patiently. "Percy, meet Naruto Uzumaki. Mr. D's son."**

**"But I thought Pollux was the only demigod Mr. D had..." Percy said. He ignored the mild glare Dionysus gave him and gave the blond a wary once over. **

"Foot in mouth?" Thalia smirked.

"Shut up." Percy pouted.

**Naruto had a camp shirt on underneath his trench coat and jeans, but tactical body gear was strapped to his knees and thighs. Boots with red straps covered his feet, and tucked into either boot was a bronze knife, the blades sticking out slightly.**

"Ah, a knife user. Dangerous." Ares grinned, "I like it."

Annabeth and Piper squirmed a bit, a foreboded feeling in them at what was to come.

**"Percy Jackson? Sounds like a name a protagonist from a novel series would have. Then again, I've got the name of a manga hero, so who am I to judge?" Naruto hummed and tapped his chin. **

**He walked around Percy and then rested his arm on Percy's shoulder and grinned at his father. "I like him! He's dumb-!"**

"Hey!" Percy glared at the blond.

**"Hey!" Percy glared at the blond.**

Everyone snickered at that while Percy crossed his arms.

**"Pure hearted and strong! Just what every major hero needs in a sidekick!"**

**"I'm not your sidekick," Percy said dryly.**

"I am no one's sidekick." The son of Poseidon affirmed.

**Naruto lightly smacked Percy's cheek. "Shh, quiet Boy Bubbler. Grownups are talking."**

"Heh, he said bubbler." Frank snickered.

"Says the one who can turn into a whale."

"Dude," Frank frowned at Leo who was high-fived by Percy.

**"Oh, how I've missed your shenanigans, Naruto," Dionysus said wistfully.**

**Chiron had a dry look on his face. "I haven't."**

"That's because he's no fun," Dionysus huffed.

**"All work and no play makes Chiron a dull centaur," Naruto said with a raspberry afterwards. He hooked his arm around Percy's neck and pointed his other hand's finger in the air. "Now if you'll excuse us – quickly, Boy Bubbler, to the Ramen-mobile!"**

"…No." Leo told Hazel.

"Oh come on, it sounds hilarious!"

"I will not build it, woman!"

**"Urk!" Percy choked from the pressure around his neck as Naruto ran out the door with him in tow.**

**Chiron ran his hand down his face and groaned. "Why do I feel like we've just earned a major advantage against the Crooked One and yet we're all doomed anyway?"**

"Because of crazy?" Nico asked.

"Seems legitimate." Reyna nodded.

"Bah, you children know nothing." Dionysus scoffed.

**"Melodramatic," Dionysus said with a sip of his diet coke. He smirked at the glare Chiron gave him.**

**"Let...go!" Percy shoved Naruto's arm from his neck with a scowl and glared at the blond while he rubbed his neck. "I could barely breathe!"**

"His gills need air!"

"Nico!"

**"Bah, you were fine~!" Naruto waved off the suffocation with a grin. "Now, Princely-"**

**"**_**Percy**_**." Percy kept his glare on the blond.**

Percy rubbed his face, it was like dealing with a Mr. D, just as a teenager. Oh sweet gods!

**Naruto shrugged. "Whatever, now who's the one with all the info on great-granddaddy's bases?"**

**"Annabeth and Cabin Six most likely," Percy said.**

**"Anna-who?" Naruto blinked.**

**"She's the head of Cabin Six," Percy said.**

**"Give me a bit more than that. Details boy!"**

"How hot is she?" Leo asked jokingly, getting a glare from Percy and Annabeth, "Kidding, kidding!"

**"Blond hair, Grey eyes...Er, smart?"**

"…Percy." Annabeth frowned.

"What? I went basic." Percy told her.

**"...Wow, and I thought **_**I**_** was bad at descriptions," Naruto said with a laugh while Percy flushed lightly. He slapped Percy hard on the back. "I'm kidding, Boy Bubbler, I know who Alexandra is!"**

"Annabeth…" the blonde pouted.

**"**_**Annabeth**_**." Percy sternly corrected as he righted himself. He was trapped once more, thankfully, the grip much looser, and dragged towards Cabin Six.**

"Come Ragdoll Boy!" Leo declared, getting a dull look from Percy.

"I like it," Ares grinned.

**Naruto climbed the steps and raised his hand to knock on the door. Percy suddenly grunted as his forehead was knocked against it several times and then Naruto's ear pressed to his head.**

"Must be checking if it swam away." Thalia teased.

"I'm sure yours is floating in the clouds." Percy shot back.

**"Huh, what do you know!? It's **_**not**_** hollow in there!" He grinned and let Percy escape his grip just as the door opened.**

**"Percy, you alright, you look like...N-N-Naruto!?" Annabeth's tanned skin suddenly paled as Naruto's smile widened.**

"Oh gods I know him," the blond daughter of wisdom gulped.

**"Aragon!" he said joyfully with arms extended. "It's been so long! Decades, even!"**

**Percy looked at Annabeth with furrowed brows while she swallowed and tried to overcome whatever had happened to her. "Y-y-yeah...um, c-come in, Naruto. Malcolm's over by the table, he wants to say hi."**

**"Marshal!?" Naruto brushed past her and ran into the cabin. "Marshal!"**

**"N-Naruto!? No, wait don't jump! Don't jump!"**

"Sacrifices had to be made." Annabeth said in an eerily calm tone.

"That's scary." Piper told her bluntly.

Annabeth didn't take offense.

**There was a crash and Annabeth grabbed Percy's wrist before she pulled him away from Cabin Six. Once they got a good distance away, and secluded from immediate sight out of the front door of her cabin, Annabeth glared daggers at Percy.**

"You done goofed dude." Leo whistled.

**"You took **_**him**_** to my cabin!?" she hissed.**

**"Not like I had a choice!" Percy returned with a scowl and rubbed his neck. "Who is he anyway? I know he's Mr. D's son, but I thought Pollux and Castor were..."**

**"The only ones?" Annabeth asked. Percy nodded and she sighed. "Normally, demigods stick together, but Naruto's...Naruto's different."**

**"No duh."**

"Hey," Dionysus glared at Percy, that was his thing!

**"Shut it, seaweed brain," Annabeth frowned at him. "He's dangerous. Not intentionally, but he has...mental problems. Nobody knows why, but we're pretty sure it's because his father is the god of madness."**

"Oh yes, it's always _my_ fault." Dionysus scoffed, "So not fair. You demigods never take responsibility for your own actions."

**"So he's crazy?"**

**"Crazy and insane, while similar, aren't the same. By all rights, Naruto's actually really smart. Scary smart. He's just too far gone to put it to any good use in the mortal world..." Annabeth said.**

"We have to keep him in a pen." Ares grinned as Dionysus shot him a dirty glare.

**"So, what's he do for demigods?" Percy asked.**

**Annabeth swallowed. "Some demigods don't turn out like heroes, Percy. Some take advantage of their abilities. **

The gods grimaced at that while averting their eyes as their children gave them some looks.

**A lot of Ares' kids and even a couple of Athena's end up as criminals. Hermes' are expected to, but they stick with break in and house thievery usually. Anyway...they go bad. Like really, really **_**bad**_**."**

Athena looked ruffled at that.

"So stereotyping." Hermes frowned.

"Meh," Ares just shrugged.

**"How bad?"**

**"Jack the Ripper was a son of Athena."**

"…Way to go Athena."

"Shut up Ares." The wisdom goddess sneered.

Annabeth looked uncomfortable with that thrown in her face.

"Now you know how we feel." Nico and Hazel said blandly.

**Percy, for all of his lack of knowledge on certain things, knew that name and what it meant. He shivered. "Okay...And what's that got to do with Naruto?"**

**"A few demigods who could end up potentially like that are chosen to take out the ones that do," Annabeth said. "Naruto is one of them."**

"He who hunts the monsters must be a monster himself." Apollo said poetically.

"Twistedly dark," Jason frowned.

"Remember Bryce?" Reyna told him.

The son of Jupiter shivered, "Good point."

"Who?" Nico asked.

"Someone you don't want to know."

**Percy's eyes went wide. "He kills demigods?"**

**"Only the ones that the gods send him after," Annabeth said. She wrapped her arms around her legs. "He's...not a traditional hero, but he's still a hero. **

"The anti-hero." Apollo stated.

**Even if I don't fully agree with it, it's better than the alternative."**

**"Alternative?"**

**Annabeth gave Percy a look. "Naruto joins Kronos?"**

"…And I just shivered, violently." Hazel shuddered.

**"...Yeah, that's bad." Percy didn't know what Naruto was capable of, but so far he's shown to be very unpredictable and even Grover warned him to watch out. "Anything else you know about him?"**

**"Don't make him mad," Annabeth said. Percy arched a brow and she glared at him. "I mean it, Percy. And definitely don't disrespect Mr. D while he's here. He'll cut your tongue off."**

"I like him even more." Ares smiled.

"That's extreme alright." Thalia frowned.

"Hard to believe there are demigods like that," Percy admitted, he was glad he didn't run into one like that. Luke at least redeemed himself in the end.

**"Wh-what?!" Percy's eyes went wide.**

**"He did it before," Annabeth said quietly. She closed her eyes and shuddered. "It...it was Chiron's last straw. He had to petition the gods to keep the demigods like Naruto out of camp for our sake. **

"Wise move." Athena nodded.

"Can't have anyone killing more prostitutes after all."

Athena just glared at her war sibling.

**But with the war..."**

**"It's probably better that we're here." The two looked up and yelped in shock when Naruto dangled down next to them. He hung down by his feet on a branch and looked between the two with an uncharacteristic frown on his face. "Gossiping behind my back? Not very nice, Angela."**

"…Someone's in trouble." Piper muttered.

Annabeth gulped a bit.

**"Sorry Naruto...Um, what brought you back to camp?" Annabeth asked shakily.**

**Naruto shrugged and dropped to sit next to them. "Some little turdbucket son of Apollo tried to get me to join great-granddaddy."**

"Hehe, turdbucket." Ares snickered.

Apollo grunted at that, looking upset.

**"What happened to him?" Percy asked.**

**Naruto's smile returned as he looked at Percy. "Ripped out his throat with a broken mug."**

**Percy paled and looked at Annabeth, who wouldn't meet his eyes and looked away from Naruto with discomfort written on her face. He made a mental note not to make him mad like Annabeth said. And to be extra respectful to Mr. D.**

"You should already be doing that." Mr. D told Percy.

**Naruto looked between them and arched a brow. "Wait a second...I know what's going on here..."**

**They looked at him to see a crazed grin on his face. He held up an index finger and curled the other hand's finger and thumb into a circle. The index finger entered the circle. "A son of Athena and a daughter of Poseidon!?"**

"Oh please like I would want him as a son," Athena looked sick.

"Well, I wouldn't mind." Poseidon smirked.

**They flushed red, even if he got the parents wrong, what he insinuated was way out of line. **

"No it isn't!" Aphrodite tittered.

The couple smiled at one another.

**The two teens began to splutter and fumble over their words.**

**"I wonder what Samus would think if she learned about this?" Naruto asked with a grin.**

**Percy, still bright red, looked at Annabeth questionably. Her face turned a darker shade of red.**

**"You can't tell Silena!" She shouted.**

"Yes, tell!" the love goddess said eagerly.

Piper quirked a lip at that.

**Naruto's grin only widened. "What do I get if I don't?"**

**"...Ramen?"**

**Naruto became deadly serious and he picked Annabeth off the ground, his hands on her shirt and pinned her against a tree. **

"That's rather suggestive." Aphrodite hummed.

Percy fumed as Annabeth flushed a little.

**"You're going to bribe me with the one thing Zeus decreed I can't have? You'd go against the word of the gods?"**

The gods looked at Annabeth, who was squirming at their looks.

**Annabeth's eyes went wide and Percy scrambled to his feet, his hand in his pocket. **

"Don't be a hero Percy~!" Leo cried, "You have so much to live for!"

**Annabeth shook her head at him and he clenched his fist.**

**"Y-Yes?" Annabeth swallowed in fear.**

"Oh really?" Zeus frowned.

"She's playing it smart." Athena huffed.

Poseidon rolled his eyes, "Of course you would say that."

**Naruto stared at her for another second before he pulled her into a tight hug. "You're my favorite genius, Alison Candy!" He released her and tapped his chin in thought. "Hm, you know, I never figured Athena to allow her daughter to be named after a stripper..."**

"What?!" Annabeth and Athena snapped.

Percy bit the inside of his cheek, so not to laugh. Their friends had no such restraints and laughed.

**He walked away, caught up in his own delusion. Percy helped Annabeth get to her feet and felt her tremble.**

**"Kronos wanted him on his side," Annabeth said softly. She looked at Percy with genuine fear in her eyes. "What if he had said yes?"**

**"...Bad day?"**

**"Really bad day."**

"You so stole that from Jackie Chan," Apollo glared at Percy, who just shrugged. It was a good show.

**The feast was just as extravagant as promised. Naruto grinned at the food set before him and rubbed his hands together eagerly. "Over the teeth, past the gums, look out future bowl movement, I'm going to eat you..."**

**Pollux eyed the blond seated across from him strangely. "Um...So, how old are you, Naruto?"**

**"Huh?" Naruto looked up with food in his mouth, a chicken leg in one hand and a spoon filled with corn in the other. He swallowed the food and scratched his head with the leg. **

"He has Dionysus manners." Aphrodite grimaced.

"Well you aren't that classy either." The wine god sneered.

**"Hmm...Twenty I think, when was October?"**

**"A few months ago," Pollux said softly. Close to when his twin died.**

**"Yeah, then definitely twenty," Naruto said with a nod. He took a bite of his chicken. "So...how's life at camp for you been generally?"**

**"Pretty good," Pollux said. He poked at his food with a fork. "Meeting Mr. D-"**

**"Dad." Naruto corrected around a bite of food.**

**"Er, right, dad," Pollux said. "It was nice to meet him. He was always up to help us-er, I mean me."**

"The one upside to the camp." Dionysus mused, a somber look on his face as he fiddled with his diet coke can.

**Naruto finished off his chicken and let the bone drop to his plate. He dusted his hands off and then looked at Pollux. "What was he like? Castor?"**

**"Castor?" Pollux smiled lightly. "He always wanted to mingle, party...he was a nice guy to the end. Died because he tried to talk two other demigods down..."**

"Should've just made them crazy." Ares said.

Dionysus sighed, "I agree."

**Naruto frowned. He set down his utensils and gave a serious look to his brother. "Listen, Pol, I've put down a lot of demigods. I mean, a **_**lot**_** of demigods. You'd be surprised how many actually go bad around age fifteen. There was this one, son of Aphrodite, a real piece of scum. Had that charm talk thingy, used it to rape underage girls with consent."**

Piper turned ash white at that while Artemis and Thalia glowered.

"Wonderful children Aphrodite." The huntress snarled.

Aphrodite looked the other way, "Well, they all don't turn out to be great. Hahaha…" she laughed awkwardly.

"Mom, that's sick." Piper looked green.

**"That's disgusting!" Pollux said with a scowl. Heads turned and he shrunk down from the attention.**

**"Yeah, I know," Naruto said. He picked up a biscuit and examined it. "I took care of him slowly, painfully...then dealt with his father, a handsome rich guy that was covering it all up with lawyers and money. Not really the Lady of Doves' best choice in a lay. **

"Oops?" the love goddess said.

"Yeah, oops." Artemis sneered.

**I digress...this war is going to be ugly, just like that demigod."**

**Pollux looked disturbed, but Naruto didn't stop. "Castor had the right thing in mind and in his heart, but that's not going to win this war. When it comes down to it, we're going to have to deal with a **_**lot**_** of old friends and demigods. You have to prepare yourself."**

"Steel your heart and raise your blade for blood is need for the new dawn."

"…Holy hell, that was actually poetic Ares." Apollo gaped.

"I try." The war god looked smug.

**"Well said Naruto," Dionysus said from where he sat silently next to Pollux. The boy jumped, having forgotten that his father had taken the seat. Dionysus turned to Pollux with a grim smile. "Unfortunately, Naruto brings up a good point. Castor had the right mindset for a hero, foolish though it were. His name will not be tarnished nor forgotten by anyone in this camp as long as I have a say in it. You, Pollux, have a chance to learn from his mistake, to see an enemy when they present themselves to you."**

"Wish words from a former demigod." Athena smirked.

Dionysus gagged at the reminder.

**Pollux had a small frown of understanding on his face and nodded.**

**"...So, met the Maenads," Naruto said after a beat of silence passed. **

"Sucks for him." Leo shuddered.

"They might actually like him." Piper pointed out.

"…Damn. They would." The pyro said.

**Dionysus and Pollux turn to Naruto with intrigue while he picks at an ear of corn. "Yeah...Babette is hot, but crazy. She keeps flirting with me, trying to become the Harley to my Joker. **

"I could see that," Piper shuddered.

**I don't mind, but, I'm no one's tool...er, except for the big guy's...even if he is a dirty no good ramen forbidder!"**

**The sky boomed and Naruto just stuck his tongue out. "Wasn't my fault!"**

**"Naruto, don't bother," Dionysus said with a chuckle. He examined his can of diet coke intimately with a forlorn sigh. "I've been saying that for decades, the nymph seduced me purposefully. Called out to me..."**

"Lies!" Apollo declared.

"Hmph! She did! And that's my story."

"Just like Clinton didn't sleep with that woman." Aphrodite tittered.

"Oh, he did alright." Hera scowled.

**"Well, I know **_**that**_**," Naruto rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "I've heard the story like, seventy times already, Dad."**

**"I'm sure you have," Dionysus said with a small smile. He turned to Pollux. "Have I told you how I met **_**your**_** mother?"**

**"Mom had said you met her at a bar," Pollux said.**

Zeus glared at Dionysus.

"I didn't drink anything!" the god informed. He did look though. Bar tricks were wonderful things.

**Dionysus huffed. "A bar! We were at Oktoberfest! The biggest night of drinking, one of the few things I adore about Germany."**

"Amen." The younger gods nodded.

**"I can think of a lot of things I like about Germany," Naruto said with a grin. He looked at his mug and at the coffee in it. "Barmaids, sauerkraut, lagers..."**

**"I thought you were twenty?" Pollux asked.**

**Naruto blinked. "Twenty? I said I was forty-two."**

**Dionysus laughed while Pollux stammered in bafflement.**

"He is clearly having an identification crisis." Apollo rubbed his chin.

"Because he can't remember his age?"

"Yes!" the sun god nodded to Frank's question.

**"You want **_**him**_** to **_**what**_**?!" The war council yelled in collective shock at the god of wine. The only one who hadn't yelled was too busy staring in horror at the folder set before him with wide green eyes.**

"That's me, isn't it?" Percy asked.

"Oh yeah." The demigods nodded.

"Damn."

**Dionysus rolled his eyes at their dramatics, while beside him Naruto played with a paper airplane he made from a napkin. A few of those gathered wondered how the blond managed to keep the plane from falling apart due to the flimsy material it was made from. Chiron frowned in slight disapproval, but his posture screamed reluctant acceptance.**

**"You heard me," Dionysus said. "Peter Johnson will be Naruto's escort to and from the supply warehouse Artemis' Hunters have found in Stone Harbor, New Jersey."**

"Thanks Thalia." Percy glared.

"No prob." The hunter shrugged.

**"We're going to the Jersey Shore?! I love that show! I wonder if I can punch Snooki in the face?" **

"I would," Thalia scowled at the mention of the Pickle Princess.

"He reminds me of Deadpool." Hades noted idly.

**Naruto said before he returned to playing with his toy.**

**"B-But why me?" Percy asked.**

"Clearly because you are to be his Cable." Leo noted informatively.

"Joy." Percy hung his head. He could feel the headache himself.

**Chiron cleared his throat. "Well, we would have Naruto go alone, but some-"**

**"I convinced Poseidon that **_**you**_** needed to open your eyes a little," Dionysus said. **

Percy pouted at his father.

"Sorry." Poseidon said sheepishly.

**He idly played with the tab on his coke can. "Besides...Naruto makes the Pegasi nervous."**

**"Well, it'd be all fine and dandy if there was a pony named Rainbow Dash! She's the only one that gets me, I swear..." Naruto crushed his plane and dabbed at his eyes. He then blew into the napkin and tossed it over his shoulder. "Wait, what were we talking about again? I zoned out."**

**"The mission, Naruto, the mission." Dionysus chided.**

**Naruto nodded. "Right, right. Find the warehouse, deal with everyone in it and then blow it up." The crazed blond gave two thumbs up. "You can count on me, Dad!" He chuckled and then spoke lowly. "I'll wipe them all **_**out**_**."**

"Isn't he just adorable?" Ares smiled.

"He really is." Dionysus nodded fondly as everyone just gave them weird looks.

**The other demigods looked a bit green in the face at the casual comment of killing, well, save for Clarisse. **

"Good girl." Ares smiled proudly.

**She just looked a bit unnerved, for as much as she likes to fight, killing is a different thing entirely. **

Ares frowned.

**Percy shuddered at the last sentence.**

**Blackjack was never going to forgive him for this.**

"He wasn't."

_**Boss, I am **__**never**__** going to forgive you for this!**_

"Called it." Percy sighed.

**"Just bear with it, Jack," Percy said softly to his steed.**

**Naruto suddenly snickered. "Hey, if he's **_**blackjack**_**, how does he do in **_**poker**_**?"**

"Ugh, that was both funny and horrible." Leo winced, as if physically struck.

**Blackjack whinnied angrily. **_**That tears it! I'm gonna buck him off!**_

**"Jack! We're almost there. We let him get off and do his thing, then he gets a ride back after I...destroy the warehouse." Percy finished weakly. He was glad that there wasn't going to be anyone alive when he summoned the tide. Percy shuddered at the thought, not something he wanted to think about.**

**"You know, this flight is boring, what we need is an in-flight movie. Ooh, I know! I'll recite all of the **_**Lion King**_**!" Naruto said. He cleared his throat and threw his arm out. "NAAAAAAAAAA!"**

Apollo went to follow Naruto's tune, but Artemis glare stopped him. Mean little sister.

**"No! No, Naruto, that's...that's fine," Percy said pleadingly.**

**Naruto deflated. "Aww...party pooper. Well, I **_**was**_** going to save you a demigod for your first time, **

"I remember popping my kill cherry." Ares said fondly, "It was glorious, and messy!"

"I'm sure it was." Hera said weakly. Ugh, where did she go wrong?

**but now it's just not going to happen!" He gave Percy a raspberry and huffed.**

**Percy turned to look at the blond with exasperation. "Seriously, where did you come from?"**

"Simply biology Percy!" Apollo informed, "You see, when a god and a mortal get all hot and bothered-ow ow ow ow!" the sun god winced when Hestia started to pull his ear.

"Silence, now."

"Yes Aunt Hestia!"

**"Origin story time! Ye-eah!" Naruto grabbed the screen and pulled it so that a smaller and animated version of himself and a redheaded woman were in a hospital room. "Ever since I can remember, I've been a fighter. But when I was a baby..." The screen flipped like a comic book panels to show stereotypical ninjas burst in the room and baby Naruto whipped out two katana from his diaper. **

"Now Herc the Jerk has nothing on that. Forget strangling snakes!" Ares grinned.

**Naruto teared up slightly and covered his eyes with his arms. "Ninjas stole my momma! **

"Damn you ninjas!" Leo waved his fist in the air.

"Always the ninjas." Percy shook his head.

**You know, you were there. Lazy butthole."**

**"...How am I in your origin story, when we just met?" Percy asked dryly.**

"That does beg the question." Annabeth nodded.

**"Don't question greatness!"**

"More like lunacy." Piper stated dryly.

"Yep." Jason nodded.

_**How about sanity, can I question that?**_** Blackjack asked disdainfully.**

**"Jack, knock it off," Percy said to the Pegasus. He looked back at Naruto. "So, what happened next?"**

**The blond shrugged. "Don't remember much, but it was like some secret underground training from my sensei. He then dumped me in a vat that had a large white X on it. And that's how I lost my hamster, Willie."**

"I think it was better off," Hazel said honestly.

"Big time." Frank agreed.

**"...This is going to be a **_**long**_** flight, isn't it?"**

_**We could dump him...**_

**"Jack..."**

_**I'm just saying!**_

**Naruto laughed and smiled at Percy. "You're a good listener, I like you! Word of advice, ditch the italics when you're talking to the Pegasus. Hurts my dyslexia."**

"…Did he just break the forth wall?" Nico asked cautiously.

"Huh, he really is like Deadpool." Hades smiled, his favorite hero, er, anti-hHero.

**Percy decided to ignore Naruto's comment for his own sanity.**

**"Thar she blows!" Naruto exclaimed from where he was perched on a crane with a cardboard paper towel tube held to his eye.**

**"...That's a warehouse," Percy said from where he and Blackjack stood.**

**"Who's talking about the warehouse? I'm talking about the nine walking down the street in those heels!" Naruto grinned and held his other hand out, his finger snapped to attention. "Boing."**

"Meh, more of an eight." Apollo said.

"Nice heels though." Aphrodite mused.

**"How can you think about that when you're going to...to kill people?" Percy asked in disbelief.**

**Naruto just grinned at him. "I'm a healthy teenage boy at the ripe age of fourteen!"**

**With a frustrated groan, Percy rubbed his face. "Why? Why am **_**I**_** on this mission with you!? Why not Pollux?"**

**"Pollux isn't so good with the unaliving of people," Naruto said nonchalantly as he scanned the warehouse with his 'telescope'.**

**"...Unaliving?" Percy asked in mild surprise.**

"Ooh, new word of the day." Ares smiled.

**"Yeah, yeah... See, funny thing: I can't really say the k-word out loud, it's a weird mental tick," Naruto said with a gesture to his head which was followed by an insane laugh. **

"I bet that's not the only one." Nico snorted as he continued.

**"But we're going to destroy them, make them disappear, sleep them with the fishes...we'll k-word them."**

"I want to k-word Jackson." Ares sighed blissfully.

"Knock-up?"

Percy turned green around the gills and lost his lunch as Ares glared at Athena who high-fived Hermes and Apollo, who were giggling like idiots.

**Percy looked a little green as Naruto cackled softly to himself. "...Why was I chosen to help you?"**

**"Because you're the protagonist that everyone loves. **

That god a few nods from everyone around, except from a few.

**Especially Uncle Rick," Naruto said as though it were obvious.**

**Percy blinked. "Who?"**

**"What?" Naruto didn't look up as he swung the bag from his shoulders to sit in front of him.**

**"Who's Uncle Rick?"**

**Naruto rolled his eyes. "The one that invented you. I was merely borrowed by some loser who had an idea and they made me the son of Dionysus."**

"I am so lost right now." Percy blinked in confusion.

"I'm there with you." Annabeth nodded, a puzzled look on her face.

**"...I...Wha...My brain hurts..." Percy rubbed his head with another groan.**

**"Good. Here, hold this." Naruto tossed a red stick to Percy. Percy caught the stick and fumbled with it for a moment before he gasped.**

**"Is this dynamite?"**

**"Yep."**

**"How did you get dynamite?!"**

"Cabin Nine?" Jason suggested.

"Meh, we could whip some up." Leo shrugged.

**"I think the better question is how did **_**they**_** get AK-47s?" Naruto pointed down at several teens that ran out with said rifles in hand. **

"That's so cheap!" Percy glared.

"War is war, Jackson!" Ares cackled.

**He nodded to Percy and took the dynamite back. "You might want to fall back." He looked back at the group with a mad grin on his face and his eyes flashed purple. "It's going to get messy."**

"Get your raincoats and goggles people." Percy suggested.

**Percy nodded and mounted Blackjack, who quickly took off into the sky.**

**Naruto pulled two grenades out of his backpack and pulled out the pins with a grin on his face. He whistled sharply and tossed the explosives at the teens. "Beware the pineapples of doom!"**

"Mm, I could go for a pineapple pizza." Leo rubbed his stomach.

"Same." Piper smiled at her favorite pizza.

**The four looked up and dove away from the explosives. The grenades bounced once after impact before the flaks exploded and shrapnel flew into them. Naruto pulled his knives out of his boots and dove for the ground.**

**"Slicey-slice time!" he cried out with a cackle. **

"That's a nice war cry." Ares rubbed his chin in thought.

**He landed in a roll and stabbed two of the gunmen in their legs. While they screamed, he pulled his knives out and flipped them around in his hands to jam either blade in the sides of his opponents' heads. Then, he finished it with a jerk of his arms, which promptly snapped their necks.**

"That was sickeningly fluid movement." Annabeth confessed.

"He only knows how to kill." Jason said, he could see it in Naruto's eyes. Scary.

**Naruto pulled his knives out and cackled maniacally. "Two down! Only a warehouse left to go!"**

**"Oh, fuck, it's Uzumaki!" One of the gunmen shouted.**

**Naruto pouted. "Aw man, my secret identity got out! Who told!?"**

"Spoilers?" Leo suggested.

**"Kill him!" They aimed and fired their guns at him, which alerted the others nearby. A siren started to go off.**

**"Oh, this my **_**jam**_**!" Naruto ran forward with his head low and dove into a breakdance windmill that knocked the guns out of the teens' hands. **

"Now _he's_ got some moves." Apollo whistled.

**He spun out of the windmill and flipped over their heads. "Now you see me!" His knives burst through the back of their heads with a wet rip, and they convulsed for a minute before they died. Naruto sniggered as he pulled the blades out and let the bodies drop. "Now you don't! Ta-da..."**

"Like magic…twisted demented magic." Hazel frowned. Sure, she was a daughter of Pluto, but this was messy.

**"He's over there!"**

**"And that's my cue!" Naruto grinned and brought his knives up. "After all, who am I to say no to a little murder?" He settled back into a stance as other gun-toting demigods ran at him. "Strike a pose!"**

Ares casually crossed his legs, bouncing in his throne a little.

"What's wrong?" Athena asked him.

"Uh, nothing…"

"…Oh you sick twisted-!"

"Stop judging me!"

**Blackjack landed on a distant warehouse and shifted uncomfortably. **_**I...will never unsee any of that**_**...**

**"I...I think I'm gonna be sick..." Percy groaned as he slipped from his steed's back. He dropped to his knees and emptied his stomach contents. **

"Wimp." Ares scoffed as Poseidon and Percy glared at him.

**He'd never seen someone's arm get ripped off and used as a spear to shove through someone's...another bout of vomiting ensued.**

The demigods looked green at that, even Nico looked paler than normal.

_**Thanks for not puking on me, Boss.**_

**Percy groaned. "You're welcome..."**

_**...Does he **__**have**__** to get a ride back?**_** Blackjack whinnied.**

**"Yes, Blackjack..." Percy said sadly. "Otherwise, who knows what he'll do?"**

**Blackjack shook his head. **_**I don't want to think about it! He's the son of Dionysus? What the hell is wrong with that guy?**_

**"Mr. D is actually a lot more tame than Naruto," Percy said with a grimace. **

"He reminds me when I was but a lad." Dionysus sighed.

"That's scary." Percy noted with a frown.

"Indeed it is, peter."

**He remembered what happened to those mercenaries back in California on the Quest for Artemis. Percy's eyes widened and he forced a third round down into his stomach. Mr. D could've made any of them turn on each other at a moment's notice like Naruto did when he had two of the enemy demigods use their rifles to...Percy shook his head in an attempt to banish the image.**

Dionysus gave a crooked grin and looked at Hera, "And I learned it all from you, thank you, Hera."

Hera frowned at him.

_**How long do you think it'll take?**_** Blackjack asked as his wings fluttered nervously.**

**"Don't run! Don't run! I just want to be your friend!"**

"Free hugs?" Leo asked.

"Not funny," Piper shivered.

"I beg to differ."

**Percy grimaced when he heard Naruto's laugh in the distance. "Hopefully, not too long."**

**"Bang! Bang! Bang!" Naruto gunned down another group with a rifle he picked up. He pulled the trigger and frowned. "Uh-oh...no more buwwets..."**

"Heh, Elmer Fudd." Thalia smiled, she missed those cartoons.

**"Die!"**

**Naruto slipped the rifle's barrel into his hands and used the weapon like a bat to crack it against the face of the demigod that ran at him. The demigod fell to the ground with a cry of pain. Naruto cracked his neck and then brought the rifle back up. He slammed it down onto her face and then took it up again. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down. Up and down!**

"Now that's how you make wine." Dionysus said, sipping his diet coke.

"Morbid much?" Hermes asked.

"Nonsense! It's a perfectly acceptable analogy."

**"Splat goes the weasel!" Naruto cackled to himself as he tossed the broken and gore covered gun to the side. He grabbed the bronze sword that lay next to the deceased demigoddess and tested it in his hand. "What a lovely sword, well balanced, a good length and..."**

**"Got yo-urk!" The blade that once rested in his hand was now pierced through the chest of another demigod that tried to get the drop on him. Naruto's purple eyes glinted in sadistic glee.**

**"Look at that piercing capability," Naruto said with a grin. **

"Buy now, only twenty drachma." Ares advertised, "Ares approved!"

"So knock off nineteen drachma?" Athena asked.

"Screw you, Owl Pellets."

**He stretched out his arms and yawned. "Man, are they all dead yet? Hello?! Anyone not dead? Gonna come avenge your friends? Yes? ...No...?"**

**"...M-monster..."**

**"Hey, look at that, a volunteer!" Naruto giddily ran over to a demigod that tried to crawl away from him. Naruto kicked the demigod onto his back and slammed his foot down on the bloody bullet hole in his left shoulder, the demigod cried out in pain. "Hello, **_**friend**_**!"**

"Welcome neighbor." Hermes said in a creepy Mr. Rogers voice.

**The demigod glared at him with hate-filled dark eyes. "You're no friend of mi-**_**ine**_**!"**

**Naruto twisted his foot on the demigod's wound and tisked. "That's not very nice...I want to be your friend and I want you to be mine...so tell me. Who else is left?"**

**"All...dead..." The boy grunted out.**

**Naruto pouted. "Aw, fun's over. Guess I have to make this warehouse disappear then...along with all evidence of your existence!"**

"…Dark." Leo admitted, this was not a fun read. It was scary.

**He glared at Naruto. "Y-You're sick!"**

**Naruto stared blankly at the boy before he laughed. A long, amused laugh that made him slap his knee. When he finally calmed down, Naruto smiled eerily at the boy. "Flattery won't save you."**

"I'm pretty sure that was an insult." Reyna knitted her brow.

"Probably a compliment to him." Thalia told her.

"Ah, true."

**Before the boy could ask what he meant, Naruto jammed his knife into the boy's throat with a smirk on his face.**

**"But I won't forget you...Drake Wood, son of Demeter." Naruto pulled his knife out and used Drake's shirt to clean it off. **

Demeter frowned at this.

**He stood up and sheathed his knives. "Wiped out an enemy warehouse and managed to eliminate one of the most wanted eco-terrorists in the world." **

"So called it."

"Silence Hades." Demeter glared.

"Make me," Hades mocked.

"Enough, please." Hestia said, rubbing her forehead. Uh, this whole story was gruesome to hear.

**A grin split Naruto's face as he dropped his bag on Drake's body and rummaged through it. "Today is a good day to be me!"**

"Loot that body!"

"Ares!" Demeter glared, the corn in her hair threatening to pop.

**Naruto walked out of the warehouse after he dragged or carried the remains of all the dead demigods back into it. Twenty, all well above fifteen and some in their early twenties, fell at his hand today. Naruto didn't care, he was doing a service for the gods and it kept him entertained. A win-win in his books.**

"A vicious cycle." Athena frowned, the boy would snap (well, snap worse) sooner or later. But that was just her opinion.

**"And for my final trick, I'm going to make this warehouse disappear!" Naruto said. He looked at the head of a scarred boy in his hand and moved the jaw.**

**"'But Naruto, how are you going to do it? Magic?'"**

"Alas, poor Yorick, I knew thee well." Nico said whimsically.

**"No, stupid boy! With fireworks!" Naruto grinned and tossed the head onto the pile of corpses. "There you go! Front row seat!"**

"Isn't he kind?" Dionysus smiled.

"No." was the collective answer, besides Ares, who nodded in agreement.

**Naruto dusted his hands off and then closed the warehouse doors. He stepped back and looked around. "Dude...where's my car? ...Oh, right I came here on Twilight Sparkle..."**

"Oh he did not just say that." Percy bit his fist, trying not to laugh. Blackjack'll kill him.

_**Did he just call me Twilight Sparkle!?**_** Blackjack neighed in offense as he flew in with Percy on his back.**

**"Only a bit longer, Jack," Percy said, a haunted look in his eyes. He couldn't block out the screams or the laughter. It echoed in his head and he was grateful that he didn't have to see anymore of Naruto's 'fun'. **

"For now." Dionysus said forebodingly.

"Not cool." Percy shivered.

**He looked at the satisfied blond and swallowed. "We done?"**

**"Almost~!" Naruto grinned and pulled out a marker with a red cap. He popped the cap off and revealed a button underneath. "We're going to need some distance Patrick."**

**"O-Okay," Percy said with a gulp. Naruto climbed onto the reluctant Blackjack and giggled as they took to the sky. Once they had gotten a good distance away, Naruto held the trigger out.**

**"Time to go **_**boom**_**...Bring the noise!" His thumb slammed on the button and nothing happened. Naruto waited for a minute and then started to fiddle with his control. "Dammit, stupid crappy Korean shit...should've gone Ameri-!"**

"In America!" Ares declared sternly, looking off in the distance.

"Shouldn't have left him in the mountains." Hera rubbed her eyes.

**A loud explosion cut him off and took out half of the docks along with the warehouse. **

"Collateral damage much?" Leo asked.

"Restraint seems to not exist for him," Reyna said weakly.

**Naruto laughed as Blackjack struggled to not roll from the force of the blast. His arms were thrown up into the air. "Whee! Wow, who'd have thought a lot of C4 could go a long way?"**

**Percy just shivered as he clung to Blackjack's reigns. "Alright...I just gotta clean up with a wave..."**

**"Eh, might as well forget that. That was to cover up the destruction of one building collapse, but with all that damage-heads up!"**

**Percy felt something land with a squish in his lap and, against his better judgment, looked down at it. He screamed and quickly tossed the half-charred head up into the air. **

"Oh that's just gross!" Percy blanched.

**Naruto snatched it with a gleeful laugh.**

**"Awesome! Now I can get paid for the bounty on Wood's head!" Naruto cackled. "The FBI owe me big bucks!"**

Demeter hang her head at that as Hades snickered at her.

**Percy trembled and lightly tugged on Blackjack's reigns. "Take-take us back to camp, Jack."**

_**You got it boss...**_

**Naruto threw his arm over Percy's shoulder and grinned at the boy. "Well kid, I think I can safely say this is the start of a **_**beautiful**_** friendship."**

"No." Percy went wide eyed.

**Percy began to hyperventilate.**

"…I'm with Percy, that was messed up." Leo said.

"Is it over?" Piper asked.

"Yeah," Jason told her.

"Good."

"Never again." Annabeth stated, "Never again."

"I loved it." Dionysus smiled, everyone besides Ares looking at him as if he was insane.

* * *

**Oh gods...the fun I had with this. I had this done before I did the change of the cast after the events of BOO, so don't whine and suck it up. Yes, I have the next two chapters already done too, so don't ask me. And yes, they will be released on a Friday. Gives you guys something while I do my daughter of Hades fic and my Andi reboot, which is going swimmingly by the way XD**

**So yeah, enjoy this guys as I love dark fics at times. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own ****_Percy Jackson_**** and ****_Naruto_****.**

**Reading: Perfect Insanity**

"Oh gods, there's another one." Percy paled.

"Read on, Peter." Dionysus grinned.

Percy gulped as the other half-bloods gave him pitying looks.

He picked up the book and began reading.

**"Why are we here again?" Percy asked his companion tiredly. Percy kept his hand in his pocket on the pen that sat there and twitched with every federal officer that walked past them. **

"In bed with the Feds, Jackson? Have you no shame." Ares shook his head.

"I never want to go to the Feds." Percy complained, great, this was going to be a long one.

**He just wanted to go back to camp and forget this whole day ever happened, but Naruto convinced him, i.e. threatened to cause harm, that it would be wise to turn the head in as soon as possible.**

"Maybe you'll get some of the money?"

"Shut up, Leo." Percy hung his head. He didn't want blood money.

**"Well, the loser writing this was reading the response to the fans and decided to continue our adventures **

"Stupid loser." Percy said miserably with a broody look.

– _**oh**_**, you're talking about why we're at the Manhattan Federal Bureau of Investigations office!" Naruto snapped his fingers in realization. He reached down and patted the knapsack next to his boot. "To turn this bad boy in and get some big bucks from Uncle Sam!"**

**"...Okay, ignoring your first comment...Why did you make me come?" Percy asked. He wanted to sleep, but Naruto wouldn't shut up. He would either hum a stupid song or ask questions from left field that baffled Percy into damnable consciousness.**

**Naruto grinned at him. "Because you're my best bud, duh."**

Percy whimpered as Annabeth rubbed his shoulder soothingly.

**Percy paled. "...Lucky me..."**

**"Psyche! No, my best bud is my informant," Naruto said with a grin. **

Percy pumped his fist joyously.

**"He's a son of Hermes. His name is Lee Jordan, like that awesome kid from **_**Harry Potter**_**. **

"Awesome," Hermes grinned.

"Lucky." Apollo pouted at him.

"Now now, Apollo." The messenger wagged his finger, "No need to be jealous."

"Hmph!"

**He was part of my group when, well, he got hurt on the job...Total accident. No one could've seen it coming."**

Hermes frowned, "What happened?" he said with worry.

**"Lee, hold him steady!" Naruto took aim with a rocket launcher at the dark haired boy who struggled against a beast of a man that was more muscle than he was human. "I won't miss if you can keep him from dodging!"**

**Lee looked over his shoulder in horror. "Wh-what!? Naruto, no, wait!"**

**"Yep...total accident." Naruto nodded. He sighed and played with a can of diet cherry coke. "It was tragic, he lost two legs from an explosion."**

"…Awesome."

"Ares!" Hermes glared daggers at him as Apollo wasn't so pouty anymore.

"I like my legs." Leo rubbed them, "Never leave me babies."

**Percy shifted a few inches away from Naruto. The sound of footsteps had both teens look up at the man that approached them. He was a handsome guy, with honey blond hair and grey eyes. A son of Athena, a son of Athena that didn't look that pleased to see them.**

"I'm used to that," Percy rolled his eyes, glancing at Athena, who gave him a mild glare.

"Of course your kid would be a Fed." Hermes blanched.

"Of course." Athena smirked.

**"Naruto." He scowled and then looked to Percy. His scowl left and an indifferent look crossed his face. "...Naruto's friend."**

"Not my friend!"

**"I'm not-!"**

**"Don't care," the older demigod said rudely. He looked at Naruto with a frown. "Why are you here? Jordan handles all of your jobs now. I got out once he came in**

"Wise." Athena said dryly.

**...He is still alive isn't he?"**

Hermes glared at Dionysus, who whistled innocently.

**"Alive, yes. Fully intact? Not so much." Naruto grinned and hopped up to his feet. "Relax, Jeff! I'm here on business, not pleasure. I'd have beer if I was here for pleasure!"**

**Jeff, if that was even his real name, sighed. "Thank the gods for small mercies...What can I do to get you **_**out**_** of my office?"**

**"So cruel...Well, I guess you could just hand over the bounty for one Drake Wood!" Naruto lifted his sack up and opened it for Jeff to look in. Jeff peered into the sack, cringed, and backed away.**

"Please deposit the head in the recovery bin." Ares instructed.

Demeter scowled at him.

**"Poor bastard..." Jeff mumbled. He took the sack and slung it over his shoulder. "Stay **_**right here**_**. I'll be back in a bit. Gotta clear all this with the red tape and everything."**

**Naruto gave him a salute and Jeff hurried off. Percy didn't blame him.**

**"So...that was Annabeth's brother?" Percy asked.**

**Naruto scratched the inside of his nose with his ring finger. "Yeah, Jeff's an okay guy. He was my handler, best of the best. Knew how hot I liked my lemonade and how much ice I wanted in my espresso. **

"Huh, hot lemonade." Leo rubbed his chin.

"That sounds gross." Frank blanched.

"Hey, you gotta try it before knocking it."

**Smart, too...He knew when I was being serious. Unlike Lee...poor, poor Lee. If he could understand sarcasm, he'd still have his legs."**

"That's some scary sarcasm." Hazel laughed uneasily.

**Percy's eyes widened in horror. "I thought you said it was an accident?"**

**Naruto pulled his finger out of his nose and flicked the discovery off. "It was."**

"Ugh, such lack of manners." Hestia scrunched her nose.

Dionysus bleached.

The younger gods snickered as Hestia glared at her nephew.

**"Uh-huh. I'm-I'm gonna go check on Blackjack," Percy stammered, already prepared to stand up.**

**Naruto looked at him blankly. "Hm? Oh, yeah, sure. Go back and tell dad the mission's done. I'll be back later...maybe tomorrow...Eh, just have him IM me." Percy bolted for the door and Naruto blinked. "Huh, he must be hungry. I always am after a mission."**

"Well, after all that puking…" Piper trailed off.

"Some toothpaste is a must." Annabeth insisted.

"Rots your teeth." Apollo shivered. He loved his shiny teeth.

**Naruto waited for Jeff to return. As he waited, he turned himself upside down to sit incorrectly on the bench. Then he turned to lounge on the bench and took a nap. Or at least, he tried to. The constant phones ringing were absolutely annoying and made it **_**impossible**_** to fall asleep. Finally, after what felt like forever, Jeff returned with a small briefcase. Naruto sat up and rubbed his hands together.**

**"Yes..." Naruto took the briefcase and popped it open. He looked it over and then frowned. "Hey, I'm missing two hundred grand! Last month he was eight big ones!"**

**"That sounds like your problem, Naruto," Jeff said. He turned and walked away with his hands in his pockets. "Next time, bring in the rest of the body so we don't have to send scans away to a different facility. **

"That's got to be a pain," Hephaestus mused.

**Oh, and Naruto?"**

**Naruto huffed as he closed the briefcase. "What, Jeff?"**

**"Stay the fuck away from me."**

"Such a polite boy, Athena." Dionysus smirked, getting a frown from the war goddess.

**Naruto made a face at him as he disappeared up the stairs. "Humph, after all the things I did for him...Jerk."**

**After he put his money in his personal savings account, Naruto searched around Manhattan for a nice sleazy joint to hang out in. **

"Never been to a bar yet." Leo admitted.

"And you're not." Piper glared at him.

"Aw."

**Finally, he found the perfect place called The Rat Den. The only problem was, he couldn't remember his damn age or where he put his damn ID.**

"Wing it," Hermes said.

"And that's why your kids get in trouble." Dionysus grinned at him.

Hermes scoffed at him.

**"Listen kid, no ID, no entry," the bouncer said with a frown.**

**Naruto glared at him. "Really, what about that guy that went in before me!?"**

**"He was obviously of age."**

**"Bullshit! That white beard and those wrinkles were fake as hell! **

"Master of Disguise~" Hermes sang.

"No, stop! That was a terrible movie!" Apollo scowled.

"Meh, you're so critical."

"I have to be."

**I've seen better wrinkles on porn stars!"**

"Same," Ares nodded.

Aphrodite glared at him, getting the war god to shrug.

**The bouncer crossed his arms and arched a brow. "Beat it kid, before I beat you."**

**Naruto's eye twitched. "You're telling me I can't have beer?"**

"Bad move, mortal." Dionysus sipped his diet coke after shaking his head.

**"No ID, no entry." The bouncer cracked his knuckles. "Try me kid."**

**Naruto clenched his jaw before he relaxed. "Alright...you got me. No ID...but I will get entry. For the record, you shouldn't have **_**crossed**_** me."**

"You really shouldn't." Mr. D sighed.

"Oh gods, he's going to kill him," Nico rubbed his eyes.

**Naruto's eyes turned purple and his eyes glared into the bouncer's. The man's stern visage dropped into a blank one and Naruto smirked. He lifted his fingers and snapped them. The blank faced bouncer turned and walked towards the street. **

"Oh my gosh!" Hazel gasped.

"hehe, gosh darn it."

"Not now Leo!"

**Naruto stepped back and leaned against the wall, his purple eyes glued to the bouncer.**

**"Look both ways," Naruto said softly. The bouncer, like a ragdoll, turned his head to the left and then to the right. "Now listen."**

**Car honks, engines, tires moving all flooded into the bouncer's ears. Naruto grinned.**

**"**_**Cross**_**."**

The demigods looked at Dionysus as he grinned wickedly at them.

"Yeah, I can do that."

The demigods gulped.

**The bouncer's leg lifted and he took a step into the road. Then another. Then another. And just when he was going to take another, Naruto's eyes returned to the dark blue they once were. The bouncer turned and screamed as a car horn blared and brakes were slammed on. The crashes that followed made Naruto chuckle.**

"That's just twisted." Reyna frowned.

"I know," Jason frowned, thankful Dakota was never like that.

**Naruto looked to the door and held his hands out. "Open sez me!"**

**He walked forward and pushed the door open. The bartender looked up with a smile. "Hey, welcome to The Rat Den. Bruce must've given you a hard time."**

**"Yeah, he did. I thought I lost my ID, turns out, it was in my back pocket!" Naruto laughed and he pulled his wallet out. From the leather cash container, Naruto withdrew a bill with Benjamin Franklin on it. The green bill was put on the counter while Naruto grinned. "Open a tab and use this for my limit tonight!"**

"At least he's somewhat responsible." Zeus commented wearily.

"I don't it." Poseidon said dryly.

**"You got it, Ben," the bartender said with a chuckle. "Something fancy first?"**

**"The hardest drink for you to make!" Naruto said. He looked around and his eyes landed on a couple of women seated together. He gave them a grin and a wave and then turned back to the bartender. "Got any shot glasses I can borrow?"**

**The bartender followed his gaze and smirked. He grabbed three shot glasses and set them on the bar. "Off your tab, Ben."**

**"Whatever, just send my drink over when you can," Naruto said as he grabbed the glasses and went over to the girls' table. "Hel-lo ladies...Wanna see something neat?"**

"Bar tricks for the win." Dionysus smiled.

"More of a fan of Jell-O shots." Apollo grinned as Artemis glared at him.

**"Whoo!" Naruto cheered as he lifted his mug of bear in the air and held another hundred up. "Another round for the whole bar!"**

"Party animal, huh?" Percy asked.

"It's so going to blow up in his face." Annabeth shook her head.

"So negative, like your mother." Mr. D huffed.

"I am not negative, I am logical."

"So boring?" Hermes asked, getting a stormy glare from the wisdom goddess.

**The patrons cheered to that while the bartender laughed. Naruto chugged down his beer and then sat back with his arms on the back of his booth's bench, behind two lovely ladies that he had enthralled with various bar tricks. **

"Dude's got moves." Leo whistled.

**Both had a bottle in their hand and giggled when he smiled at them. "So, really, how old are you girls?"**

"Consent law and all," Aphrodite giggled.

**"We're in college," the blonde one on his left – Mindy? Cindy? Meh, whatever – said.**

**"That means nothing to me," Naruto said with a chuckle. "Then again, what should I care!? I'm twenty-three and loving life!"**

"With chronic brain damage." Thalia nodded mockingly.

**The bar patrons cheered again at his rambunctious yell. The brunette girl on his right – Darcy? Sam? Freddie? He should've written their names down – laughed and poked his chest. She, whatever her name was, was borderline wasted, probably not coherent enough to realize how intimate her hand was getting with his thigh.**

Artemis blanched, "Vulgar."

"Not really." Aphrodite tittered.

"For you, no doubt, Harlot."

"Prude." The love goddess sniffed.

**"You are just. Too. Funny!" Brunette snorted with her laugh.**

**"Kind of cute, too," Blonde said.**

**Naruto grinned. "Yeah, I hear that a lot...I also hear voices..."**

**Blonde eyed him strangely but Brunette just laughed again. Oh, Naruto knew which one was his favorite already. He grinned and thought up a way to seal the deal.**

**The bar door burst open and Naruto's grin fell into a scowl. He turned to look and groaned at the sight of a tall blond with short hair and a bullseye tattoo over his right eye.**

"…That's a fashion statement." Piper blinked.

"Bullseye, a whole new meaning." Nico snickered.

**"Oh, no...not you..." He tapped the girls on their arms. "Get up."**

**"What?" Blonde asked, a bit haughtily for someone who had gotten three free drinks.**

**Naruto glared at her with purple eyes. "Get up and get lost!"**

"He's got D's manners too." Hermes rolled his eyes.

"Business is business." The wine god said.

**The blonde left hurriedly, but the brunette left a crinkled piece of paper on his chest before she climbed over him in the most inappropriate way possible. Naruto looked down at the paper and grinned. Hello future one night stand!**

"And Naruto, shoots, he scores!" Leo whistled, she was a hottie.

**"She was hot." The tattooed blond sat down across from him.**

**"I know, right? Not a nine, but still, a real nice milkshake." Naruto put the number in his pocket and sat forward. "So what do you want, Leonard?"**

**The teen scowled. "Lester, dipshit. Get my name right or I'll put another hole through your fucked up brain."**

"I like him," Ares smiled.

"You would." Athena rolled her eyes.

"…I think he's mine." Apollo knitted his brow, unsure of the tattoo on the face though. It was the money maker after all.

**"Whatever Leonidas." A bang rang out and Naruto's head flopped back to rest on the back of his booth with his mouth open, a blood splatter on the wall behind him. A smoking hole was in the dead center of his forehead and a death rattle escaped his lips.**

"…Dammit!" Dionysus cursed, "Well, story over." He sighed.

"Um, no, it's not." Percy said with regret.

"Oh! Well, read on, Peter."

**"**_**Lester**_**." Lester growled. He glared at the shocked patrons and set his smoking gun on the table. "What? You going to call the cops? Go ahead fucktards..."**

Apollo rubbed his face as Hestia frowned.

"Honestly, the language!" she ranted.

"Sister, please." Hera begged her so this painful story could just end.

**It was silent until the soft sound of squelching meat hit everyone's ears. They all looked back to Naruto's corpse, and watched in disturbed fascination as the bullet hole slowly closed shut. Naruto's head rolled and his neck cracked loudly.**

"…He has a healing factor!?" Leo gaped.

"That's stupid." Percy hissed, only he had that.

"And broken," Jason pointed out. Seriously? Bullet to the head!

**"Ow! Shit, dude, you shot me in my fucked up brain!" Naruto whined while he rubbed his forehead. He turned to the bartender. "Hey, you got any Advil? No? Can I have another beer then?"**

**"They're mortals, dumbass," Lester said with a scoff. "They just saw you pull a Deadpool."**

"He even admits it!" Hermes declared.

"Still, how does that even work?" Apollo asked, he needed to know! Now!

**"Oh right..." Naruto whistled and all eyes went to him. He pointed at his purple eyes. "Okay everyone, look right here and it'll explain everything!"**

**A second later and the patrons returned to normal, like nothing had happened.**

"Thank the Mist." Hazel sighed out.

"Still, messed up." Frank shook his head.

**"How are you going to explain the blood on the wall?" Lester asked.**

**"Oh, no. That's on you, **_**Bullseye**_**," Naruto said with a scowl. He poked at his forehead with a wince. "Ow. Ow. Tender."**

**"Going to get my name right now?" Lester asked with a frown.**

**"Maybe, dunno." Naruto cringed as he reached behind his head and pulled a piece of his skull from his flesh. "Damn leftovers...here, souvenir?"**

"I wouldn't mind." Ares said like an eager puppy.

"No, I want to study it!" Apollo said.

Percy just read faster.

**"Keep it." Lester glared at the offered bone like it was diseased. Naruto shrugged and flicked it away, where it landed in a man's drink. Lester nodded in thanks to the waitress that brought two beers over for them and then opened his up. "Heard you went back to camp."**

**"Wow, already? It's been what? A day?" Naruto tapped his chin. He snapped his fingers and beamed. "Hey, you should join me when I go back! I'll call the others and tell 'em to go back, too!"**

**"We're not allowed to, Naruto," Lester said dryly.**

"For clear reason," Zeus frowned. Little psychos.

**Naruto grinned and set his bottle down. "Didn't stop me."**

**"No, but it did cause most of that warehouse district to go up in smoke." Lester set his beer down and looked at his fellow blond. "Listen, in all honesty, I could give two shits about how this war turns out. They don't care about us. **

"That's not true," Hestia frowned, that was terrible thinking.

"Sounds like someone else." Dionysus said, looking at Hermes.

"Oh shove off and go to your AA meeting."

"Never!"

**And why should they? You 'n me, we're scum. We're all fucktards who know how to kill and how to do it well. That's the only reason we're still alive."**

"Good weapons live." Ares commented with a chuckle.

"That's honestly terrible." Piper frowned, were older campers really like that?

**"Well, maybe you," Naruto said. He played with his beer and balanced it on his hand. "**_**I**_** have yet to be mortally wounded by a celestial weapon."**

**Lester shook his head. "The fuck is wrong with you?"**

**"I'll tell you when the results come back," Naruto said with a grin as he took another swig.**

"I want know." Percy said.

"We all do." Jason added.

"Not me," Thalia disagreed, she just wanted this over with. It was depressing!

**Lester watched him with a smirk. "Are you even old enough to drink?"**

**"I think so?" Naruto frowned in confusion and scratched his chin. "I mean...Damn, am I? I'm what? Forty?"**

**"Lower."**

**"Thirty?"**

**"Lower."**

**"Twenty?"**

**"Higher."**

"So mid-twenties. Good, we finally know." Nico said with a bored look.

**"Thirty?"**

**Lester's smirk widened. "Higher."**

**"Forty?"**

**Lester burst into laughter and sat back. "See? That's exactly what I'm talking about, we're fucktards."**

**"You call **_**everyone**_** a fucktard," Naruto pointed out.**

**"Yeah, but we're the most fucked up fucktards in the world," Lester laughed. **

"Yeah?" Leo asked in confusion.

"Maybe." Jason told him.

**He pointed at Naruto. "You, who are certifiably insane –"**

**"Thank you!" Naruto tipped his beer bottle in gratitude before he took another sip.**

**" – and can take a kill shot from any mortal weapon." Lester stuck his thumb in his chest and grinned sadistically. "I can't miss a shot to save my life, and I love to kneecap, but the opportunity to is always so rare. **

"Ah, breaking kneecaps." Thalia smiled, Jason inched away from her, closer to Piper for protection. His sister was scary.

**Then there's Lee, who you crippled–"**

**"On accident!"**

**" – who can't **_**not**_** hack into the government networks. Hell, last I heard from him he hacked his father's email and got him a subscription to Sausage Girls Monthly."**

The gods boomed with laughter as Hermes buried his face into his hands.

**Naruto laughed. "Oh, I'll bet the messenger **_**loved**_** delivering those packages."**

**"Alex is just as fucked up in the head as you are..." The ace shot snapped his fingers. "By the way, he's looking for you. Wants to swap a target. Some kid named Nakemura...I dunno."**

"…Poor Ethan." Percy muttered. Seriously, he would _not_ want Naruto after him.

**"No way, that's my target! I've been tracking that slippery 'balance' freak down for years!" Naruto scowled and grabbed his beer. "Stupid Earth-2 bastard..."**

"So we have an Earth-Two?" Annabeth asked.

"Duh," Apollo grinned.

**"And then there's Toni..." Lester smirked as Naruto spewed out his beer and looked around frightfully. "She's not here."**

"Ooh, love interest!" the lady of doves gushed.

"More like an ex, mom," Piper pointed out.

"Sweetie, that's the best kind of drama." The love goddess pointed out.

**"Oh thank dad..." Naruto sighed in relief. He looked down at his arm and saw a red dot slowly climb up it. With a yelp, Naruto tried to jump up out of the booth, but only succeeded in banging his knee. "Ow..."**

**Lester snickered and rolled his laser pointer between his fingers. **

"Evil, but funny." Leo nodded in approval.

**"Toni, aside from wanting **_**one**_** of your two heads, is still able to copy any fighting style with just a glance."**

"She sounds scary." Percy admitted with a nervous smile.

"And skilled." Annabeth looked intrigued.

"I wonder who's she is?" Reyna mused.

**"I don't know why, but I feel like I should complain about a haxingan for some reason," Naruto said with a tap of his chin. He shrugged it off and then gave a nervous look to Lester. "...She's not still mad, is she? We were both drunk...I think...Well, I know **_**I**_** was drunk."**

**"Dude, you took her virginity," Lester pointed out.**

"The fiend!"

"Artemis, chill." Apollo groaned.

**"With consent!" Naruto insisted.**

**Lester held his hands up. "Easy. For as psycho as you are, I know you don't rape. All I know is you took her V-card and now she wants to take away your D."**

All the guys covered their D's, giving them encouraging words.

The girls just rolled their eyes.

**"But I love my D!" Naruto whimpered.**

**Lester rolled his eyes. "We all love our D, but not all of us can possibly regrow our D."**

"…Wow, did not want to read that." Percy said, looking a little green around the gills.

**"I don't want to see if I can!" Naruto slammed his fist on the table. "I won't stand for this, we're grown adults, we should be able to talk this out!"**

**"Yeah, talking...not going to happen," Lester said. He stood up and started to walk away from the table.**

**Naruto blinked. "How do you know?"**

**Lester stopped by the bar, got another beer, and then shrugged as he popped the cap off. "Sorry, fucktard."**

"Oh…I see what he did there." Leo grimaced. So not cool.

**Naruto stared at Lester for a second before his eyes went wide as he made the connection. Purple eyes narrowed at Lester, who had an amused smirk on his face. "You dirty sonova-!"**

**A truck crashed through the wall behind Naruto. The blond was plowed through the table and the next unoccupied booth. He groaned in pain as blood covered his body and patrons screamed. A purple eye squinted open and Naruto saw two lean feminine legs drop out from the truck that hit him. The legs walked over to him, white high heels over cerulean blue skinny jeans, but before he could trail up the legs, his eye closed as consciousness left him.**

"So, hitting someone with a truck is standard courtship these days?" Artemis asked Aphrodite dryly.

"Um, well, yes?" the love goddess said with confusion.

Artemis just shook her head.

**"Fuck the police!" Naruto shot up where he lay and then grabbed at his sides. "Ow-w-w! Good thing I got the number of that truck...SP1R3L DN...oh, the irony."**

**A baton cracked him across the face. "Ow! That was so uncalled for!"**

"That monster!" Dionysus cried out.

**Another hit him the other way. "I deserved that one."**

"Well, if you say so…" Dionysus trailed off with a frown.

**Something hard stomped down on his crotch and his eyes crossed. "...Flawless victory...fatality..."**

"And all the swimmers died." Ares bowed his head, along with all the other guys.

"Wait, he has regen." Leo pointed out in realization.

"Still hurts!" Percy declared.

"True. Ow." Leo winced.

**Naruto slumped back with a grunt. He yowled as the foot that stomped on him twisted and he looked up at the sadistic bit-**_**babe**_**. **

"I'd call her both," Leo muttered.

**All pain numbed as he stared at the beautiful woman before him. Honey blonde hair that looked like it was poured straight from the beehive, gorgeous grey orbs that pretended to be eyes when in fact they were the beautiful dark clouds that came before a storm, a Californian tan much like his own that covered a lean muscled body, **

"She's Athena's." Poseidon rolled his eyes.

Percy looked at the image, then to Annabeth, then back to the image.

"Um, Percy?" Annabeth questioned him with a raised eyebrow.

Percy looked back into the book. He _really_ hoped Annabeth turned out like that. Hot damn!

**and best of all a supple che-!**

**"Ow, my perverted thoughts!" Naruto rolled his jaw after the third smack from the baton. A fourth blow came to the top of his head, which made him cringe. "Ow, seriously, I've already been shot in the head, watch where you hit me!"**

**"Oh, are you awake? I thought you were talking in your sleep again." Naruto looked up into his abuser's grey eyes and scowling – **_**beautiful**_** – face.**

**"You know, Toni, if you wanted to play rough in bed you could've just ask-Yee-e-e-e!" Naruto's eyes rolled into his head as more pressure was applied to his crotch. "Bad joke! Bad joke! Sorry!"**

"My oh my, Athena, she is quite the dom." Aphrodite tittered eagerly.

Athena just scowled at her.

Percy gulped a bit.

Seeing her boyfriend's paling face, she rolled her eyes.

**Toni Masters **

"Ha, I see what they did there." Apollo sniggered.

"What?" Athena asked.

"She can copy fighting styles? Her first name starts with a T and her last name is Masters? Come on! Marvel people, think!"

Frank asked, "A female Task Master!"

"Bingo!"

Frank got some looks, he shrugged, "I like Marvel."

"I thought you would be more DC, you know, Beast Boy." Percy admitted, getting Frank to roll his eyes.

**scowled at him. "You'd better be."**

**The pressure lightened and Naruto sighed in relief. He grinned up at her. "So how's it going, Tasky?"**

"Further proof." Apollo said smugly.

Athena hummed, not against it.

**Tori narrowed her eyes and applied pressure again.**

**"**_**Why**_**!?" Naruto asked with a voice that was higher than normal. A baton pressed down on his nose.**

**"Stop. Calling. Me. Tasky." Tori jabbed him at each word. She brought the baton back over her shoulder and then cracked him across the face again. Satisfied, Tori stepped back, which made Naruto gasp sharply, and slipped her batons into two holsters behind her. She moved some of her hair behind her ear and sighed. "That felt **_**really**_** cathartic."**

"I like her," Artemis smirked, such a shame she didn't know the hunt.

**"Always glad to help." Naruto wheezed. He sat up and looked around. "Hey, this is a really nice apartment...where are we?"**

**"Yonkers," Tori said nonchalantly. She walked over to a desk and opened a laptop.**

**"Neat, never been. Is this where you get those clown noses to honk?" Naruto asked. He ducked under a CD that was chucked at him. "Hey! Those things are dangerous! And seriously, a CD? What is this, the 90s?"**

"Improv throwing stars!" Leo argued.

**"Shut up and get over here," Tori said.**

**Naruto walked over to stand behind her. He stared at the back of her neck. "You cut your hair..."**

**Tori rolled her eyes. "Thank you for noticing."**

**"It really shows off your neck...you know what else shows off your neck?" Naruto's mouth clicked shut as a hot barrel pressed under his jaw. **

"Huh, she's got nice toys." Ares mused.

Athena made a noise, eyes narrowed in thought.

**"Seriously? I thought we had something."**

**Tori closed her eyes and aimed the gun down. She pulled the trigger.**

**"Ow fuck! That was my foot!" Naruto held the wounded foot and hopped around.**

"Annabeth, please never get a gun." Percy begged her.

"I promise, Percy." The blonde said with an amused smile. But she did note she had a sassy older sister.

**"It'll heal." Tori leaned away from the computer and turned to him with her arms crossed. She nodded to the computer screen. "Look at this."**

**Naruto hobbled back over to her and, after a mild glare at the girl, looked at the screen. "Huh, statistics show the Patriots winning the super bowl in twenty fifteen..."**

**"Not that," Tori said with a deep breath. She couldn't kill him. **

"Well not if you don't try!" Ares exclaimed.

**Tori pointed at a smaller column. "That."**

**Naruto's eyes scanned the words and he grinned. "Oh hell the fuck yes."**

**Tori smirked. "So you're in?"**

**"I want a third of the cut," Naruto said.**

**Tori frowned. "Not half?"**

**"You're going to want to extend a hand to Linus," Naruto said.**

**"Lester?"**

"Get it right," Apollo pouted as Mr. D snickered.

**"Whatever that son of Apollo's name is." He shrugged and smiled at her. "By the way, you looked really hot driving that truck."**

**Tori lifted her leg up between his.**

**"...You know you love it, baby..." Naruto wheezed out before he collapsed.**

"Tough love, Annie, you should invest." Thalia grinned.

Annabeth smirked, "I beat him in enough spars."

"Do not." Percy pouted as he read.

**Tori rubbed her face with a grimace. "Unfortunately..."**

**Now dressed in a skintight red sleeveless shirt and dark cargos, Naruto clipped a belt on around his waist and tapped the red and black circle in the center. A white dot appeared and the belt fitted itself to his waist. He grinned and grabbed the black bullet proof vest that hung on the wall, followed by two short swords that he strapped to his back. To top his attire off, Naruto grabbed two gloves and pulled them on.**

**"Ryan Reynolds, eat your heart out," he said with a grin as he looked in the small mirror on the wall. His hands rested behind his head and he sucked in air. "Oh yeah, heartthrob alert! Sexiest Man Alive? You know it."**

"Lies!" Apollo cried out in disagreement.

**"Don't you ever shut up, Naruto?" Naruto turned and grinned as he watched Tori slide her shield onto her left arm and then grabbed her sword. Her tactical clothes clung to her from the waist up, various grey armor pieces in strategic spots, and a belt with a golden T as the buckle held her sword on the left side of her hips.**

"Damn, she is really is Athena's kid." Hermes whistled.

Percy face was red from the image.

Annabeth really liked the look. And judging by Percy's face, he did too. She'd talk to Leo later.

**"No. Did I mention how distracting those pants are on you?" Naruto asked.**

**Tori glared at him and flipped a dark hood up over her blonde hair. "You used to be so much more bearable."**

"…Seriously?" Jason questioned with an astonished look on his face.

**Naruto frowned and put his hands over his heart. "Ow. Shot in the heart." He pointed at her with a grin on his face. "And you're to blame! You give love a bad na–" Naruto ducked under a dart. "Hey! Watch it, arrowhead!"**

"So Deadpool, Task Master…" Apollo counted off and lit up, "My kid's Hawkeye! My fav Archer, whoo!"

"That's pretty cool." Frank whistled at the connection.

**"Shut up then, moron," Lester said as he adjusted his quiver around his tactical gear. He grabbed a sniper rifle from the wall and a clip he just loaded, with the clip being slammed into the gun. "I'm surprised you decided to wear dark colors instead of bright orange this time."**

**"It was one time, and we were in foliage! I thought it would work! It works for tigers!" Naruto scowled at the smirking blondes.**

"Orange is not his friend this time around," Piper snickered.

"Poor Naruto." Jason smirked.

**"Tigers also have black stripes, Naruto," Tori said.**

**Naruto rolled his eyes and grabbed a black mask with red domino circles on it. **

Nico palms his face, "he even has a mask."

"He should have gone for a red mask, it helps hides the blood." Hades pointed out.

**"Whatever. Just be sure to be in the right place at the right time."**

**With that said, Naruto turned and kicked the doors behind him open. The back of a sixteen-wheeler suddenly flying open startled a **_**lot**_** of people on the highway that morning. Go figure. Naruto jumped out and ducked into a roll to the side of the highway.**

**Once Naruto stopped and got to his feet, he ran for a good ten minutes and then sat down on the edge of the overpass. He pressed the side of his ear. **

"This is Snake." Leo hissed lowly.

"Ugh," Apollo grumbled.

**"I'm in position."**

**It was silent for a moment before Tori's voice came through. **_**"Roger that. We'll be ready in five."**_

**"Stay cool, Tasky."**

**"**_**I'm **_**so**_** going to gut you for that stupid nickname."**_

**Naruto grinned. "No you're not. You love me too much, Wise Girl." **

"Hey! Copy-Right!" Percy complained.

"It's universal for Athena's girls." Hermes sniggered into his hand.

Annabeth pouted at that. Epically.

**Naruto lowered his hand from his ear and blinked. "Hm, for some reason I wish I had some blue chocolate chip cookies made by Ms. Jackson."**

"…How does he know my mom?! Or my blue cookies?!" Percy panicked.

"You doomed." Leo whistled.

Percy glared at Naruto's image before continuing.

**With a shrug, he reached into a back pouch and pulled out a small portable Hello Kitty radio with the name McLean on it, **

"Hey!" Piper cried out with a gasp.

**a box of crayons with a crude Leo V. scribbled across it, **

"So that's what happened to those!" Leo frowned.

**and a notebook that cost him **_**one**__**whole**__**dollar**_** from the gas station they stopped at. "I get the feeling I'll be here a while. Hit it Stefani!"**

**"N-A-N-A-S!" **

Apollo was about to sing, but the look Artemis gave him make him zip his lips.

**Naruto's watch started to beep and he looked at it. "Uh-oh. Showtime." Naruto got to his feet and knocked his radio along with his crayons over the edge. "Whoops...oh well, they weren't that important anyway."**

Piper and Leo fumed at that. Literally in Leo's case.

**Naruto held his arms out in front of him and took a breath before he pulled them to his side and took a calm step forward. Then, he plummeted to the ground. Naruto smashed through the sunroof of a black Chrysler SUV into the back seat.**

Everyone held up scores seven to ten. Piper and Leo gave him a two though.

**"Hola, amigos!" Naruto said to the four men in tactical gear in **_**very**_** bad Spanish. "Mi llama el jacuzzi remolinos!" While the four were baffled, Naruto turned to the man on his right and in dramatic English, said "There's no easy way to say this...I'm pregnant Trevor."**

"And Jackson's the father!"

"Ares!" Poseidon glared as Percy wanted to die right then and there as everyone laughed at that.

Annabeth though gained a dangerous look in her eyes.

**He then drove his elbow into the face of the other man on his left. The two men in the back began to struggle with him until Naruto knocked one man out with a mighty blow to the face. Oh, and the head smashing through the window probably helped, too. **

"Should've gone for bullet proof glass." Leo suggested.

**The other man was elbowed once again and Naruto unbuckled his seatbelt. Naruto waved farewell to his new 'amigo' and then used both feet to kick him out the door. The man was run over and died promptly.**

"Road kill," Nico shook his head, it was always a messy way to go.

**"See, that's why you always keep the child safety locks activated," Naruto chided with a waggled finger to the driver. The man in the passenger seat pulled out a handgun and took aim. Naruto grabbed his wrist and pulled, which caused the man to slam into his seat awkwardly. "No, give it! You shouldn't play with these!"**

"Mine!" Hermes said.

"Oh, right, Herm's first word." Apollo said.

Hermes deflated, "Dude…"

**The passenger pulled back and Naruto used the pull to drive a harder than average punch into his jaw. "Boosh!"**

**"Escuze, por favor." He grinned at the driver. The driver lifted his right arm and repeatedly stomped his elbow into Naruto's head. "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow the showers~!"**

"And there goes ten brain cells at a time." Annabeth remarked.

**The man in the backseat who was thought to be unconscious woke up and grabbed Naruto by the back of his neck. He then slammed Naruto's face into the back of the passenger's seat.**

**"Oh, what rich crinkly leather," Naruto said, though it was muffled. He twisted out of the man's grasp and wrapped his legs around either side of the man's head. "You know, sleeping awkwardly like that can stiffen your neck. Let me help you relax!"**

**A loud snap filled the SUV and the man went limp. **

"He has such flexible legs." Aphrodite hummed.

"…My brain," Piper shivered, "Can't unsee."

**Naruto righted himself and then put his hands over the driver's eyes. "Guess who?!"**

**The driver swerved and Naruto laughed. "No, not Anthony Hopkins, but you're close!"**

"Not even," Apollo scoffed.

**He pulled back until he felt the driver's hand reach for his. With his right arm, Naruto reached over and grabbed the emergency break.**

**Time slowed to a crawl and Naruto looked at the readers with a grin behind his mask. "Check this shit out."**

"…And there goes the fourth wall." Apollo declared, pulling out a hardhat, "Get your umbrellas people, it'sa comin' down!" he declared.

"That's just freaky…it's like he's looking into my soul." Percy whispered with a shiver.

Nico glared at the image, creepy was his shtick.

**Time sped up and Naruto pulled the break. The car slammed on the breaks, and the driver, not prepared, turned on the wheel. The car was sent into a roll down the highway. Ahead of them, a motorcyclist stepped off his bike and pulled an automatic rifle from his back.**

**Bullets were sprayed heavily into the car, but time slowed once more as the broken sunroof became visible to the gunman. Naruto slowly popped up with a wave and held up a crude childish picture of himself using a sword to decapitate a rather accurate image of the gunman. **

"It's so beautiful…" Ares wiped a tear from his eye.

Apollo just gave him a plank stare. Idiot.

**While the gunman stared at the image in confusion, Naruto nodded and reached for one of the swords on his back.**

**Time sped up again as the car rolled over the downed bike and came to a stop. The window rolled down to reveal the head of the motorcyclist in Naruto's hand. Behind him, the standing corpse collapsed to the ground. Naruto looked at the head and smirked.**

"That's just excessive violence." Hestia frowned.

"No such thing!" Ares argued heatedly.

**"So was it **_**really**_** your best idea to get off your bike?" he asked. The helmeted head was shaken 'no'. "Duh. You wanna know why I wear red?" The head was nodded. "It's so that you guys couldn't see me bleed."**

"He's mask should be red too." Hades muttered, resting his cheek on his palm.

**Naruto dropped the head to the side and leaned forward. A bunch of glass shards stuck out of his back. "Ow. That's going to be a bitch and a half to pull out."**

"Someone got a pair of tweezers?" Hazel asked jokingly.

"I do!" Apollo and Aphrodite sang.

**The masked blond stepped out of the car and ran his hand down his back to clear away some of the glass. He shook himself and lifted his hand to his ear. "Hey guys? People are dead on my end, what am I looking for?"**

**The radio came alive with gunfire and screams. Toni's voice calmly replied back to him. **_**"It should be in the trunk, now be really careful, Naruto-"**_

_"Cool even under gunfire? Wow." Ares said, "I'm impressed."_

_"Who says she's the one under fire?" Athena asked._

_"Mom," Annabeth frowned, "Stop. You're scaring me." Honestly, just because her mom wanted to boast. _

_Athena frowned at that. _

**"Aha! I knew you cared!" Naruto grinned as he walked around to the near destroyed trunk.**

**"**_**Shut up. It's in a large case, the code is four-four-Nixon-Gunther-six."**_

**"Dun-nuh-nuh, nuh, nuh. Another one bites the dust." Naruto lifted his mask up as he popped the case open. He grinned insanely. "Oh yes...Chemical X. Now I, too, can create my own Powerpuff Girls!"**

"I've always wanted to do that," Apollo admitted.

"No," Artemis glared at him.

"But Arte! Superpowered little girls!"

"…The answer is still no."

"Aww."

**"**_**What was that?"**_

**"Er, nothing. I got the stuff. You guys pull out – but wait til you finish, first."**

The young gods sniggered along with Leo. They boyfriends tried their best not to laugh along with them.

**"**_**Naruto!"**_

**"What? It's what I do!"**

**"**_**WHAT?"**_

**"Call you later, Tasky, kisses! Mwah!" Naruto pulled his ear away and grinned at the chemical weapon that sat before him. **

"Only wimps use chemical weapons." Ares scoffed.

"Like your children?"

Ares glared at Athena, pointing a finger at her, "My kids so do not use Chems!"

**"Let's see you unalive anymore innocent people with this, Mr. White."**

**"I'm going to kill him," Toni said with a snarl as she stabbed her sword into another bodyguard.**

**"No you're not." Lester rolled his eyes and picked off another two with his sniper rifle. "You're going to beat the shit out of him, act like it never happened and then most likely jump his bones."**

"…So it's a love-hate thing?" Thalia asked.

"Seems so." Reyna nodded.

"The opposite of Percabeth," Aphrodite mused, rubbing her chin.

**"Fuck you, Lester!"**

**"Uh, no. I saw that video." Lester ducked under a thrown knife. "Missed bitch! Ow! Shit! My leg!"**

"Athena gave Apollo a smug look.

"So not cool," Apollo pouted.

**"Didn't miss that time." Toni smashed her shield into another mercenary's face with a war cry. "Athena help me if he does something stupid with that weapon."**

"I'm not touching that." Athena said dryly.

**"This is Naruto we're talking about," Lester said nonchalantly. He swung the butt of his riffle out and smashed in a mercenary's face. "Of course he's going to do something stupid."**

**"I know," Toni growled.**

"Angry sex…"

"Aphrodite!" the wisdom goddess glared.

"What?"

**"Yeah, and if you want your deadly weapon back, you'll come over here and take it from my cold dying hands!" Naruto said into the phone he picked off the motorcyclist's body before he tossed it at the wall of the interstate and huffed angrily.**

**A couple of officers had tried to arrest him a few moments ago, and it pissed him off! He was protecting their sorry mortal asses! They should be thanking him! **

"Screw the police." Ares scowled, crossing his arms.

**So, he convinced them that he was never there and it was just another motorcycle accident.**

**Naruto looked at the case that held the chemical weapon with distain. "Stupid sons of Ares**

Ares glowered while Athena looked smug.

**...stupid cops...stupid mortals...Zeus' Butthole I ran out of things to call stupid!"**

"Funny, considering what usually comes out of there is stupid." Hades said, "Like his excuses."

"You-!" Zeus glared as Hestia frowned.

"Enough you two, now." The brothers did so, but Zeus was still glaring at Hades.

**The deranged demigod –**

**"Wait, deranged demigod?" Naruto scratched his chin. **

"And there's another hammer blow." Apollo muttered, poor forth wall.

**He smiled. "Yeah...I like that! I've been calling myself the insane membrane this whole time. All right loser, you may continue."**

**The deranged demigod sat down on the case and put his head in his hands. "Man, I'm so bored...all the guys are dead now...and I can't unalive mortals or Dad will get mad..." Naruto suddenly shivered. "And not to mention what Tasky will do to me."**

"I bet he likes it." Aphrodite giggled, "With his healing and all I mean."

"Oh that's gross." The kids blanched, not needing to hear that.

**The sound of a helicopter's propellers in action made Naruto look up. He grinned at the sight of a large beefy man with a scarred face that could be called cruelly handsome that stood on the edge of the helicopter's interior with the sliding door open. **

"Hey! It's Tubby Ares Jr.!"

"Shut it, Sunspot!"

**He glared at the demigod and pointed a fat finger at him.**

**"I'm going to kill you **_**dead**_** Uzumaki!" He declared. "If my name isn't Walter White!"**

**Naruto blinked and laughed. "Alright, someone with **_**worse**_** one-liners and a more obvious stolen name than me! **

"…Like some wannabe Kingpin from Spiderman," Nico rolled his eyes.

"Wait, he is!" Apollo called out, "Hate that guy." He scowled.

**Come on down, tons of fun! Let's boogey!"**

**The man dropped out and landed in a crater with a scowl on his face. **

"Must be all that bacon." Percy commented insultingly.

"Bacons good though, mm." Leo rubbed his stomach, the guys all nodding.

Piper blanched, "Gross."

**He pointed at a white jagged line that went up to his left eye. "I got this after you tried to blow me up with an RPG! I won't be so careless this time."**

"And every villain in the world sneezed." Percy narrated.

**"We shall see, grasshopper," Naruto said as he drew both of his swords from his back. They began to circle each other and Naruto smirked. "Ooo-eee, ooo-eee, ooo...Waa, waa, waa...Ooo-eee, ooo-eee, ooo... Waa, waaah, waa!"**

"Ah, the good," Apollo pointed to Naruto, "The bad," he pointed to Naruto again, "And the ugly." Apollo pointed to Ares' son.

Ares just glared at Apollo heatedly.

**"You insufferable nincompoop!" Walter charged at Naruto with his massive fist raised. Four obvious shiny rings on each fat finger stood out to Naruto.**

**"Those don't look healthy for me," he said as he dodged each swing. "I didn't know brass knuckles could be buffed!"**

"…That's…" Jason trialed off.

"How did he get Imperial Gold?" Reyna frowned.

**"They're not brass, fool!" Walter sneered. He held his fists up. "A gift from my father for keeping the war alive, Imperial Gold will put you out of your misery!"**

"…The hell Ares!" Athena snapped as all the gods glared at him.

"War god, duh!" he told them.

It did explain it all alright.

"Stupid meathead." The war goddess sighed heavily.

**"Imperial Gold? What's that?" Naruto asked as he continued to nimbly dodge the punches. A blow got him in the side and Naruto stumbled back with a deep gasp. "Wh-What the fuck?"**

**"A little lesson for you, Uzumaki." Walter cracked his knuckles. "When the gods moved to Rome, they gave Imperial Gold to their children that lived there instead of Celestial Bronze. Alas, most of the Romans died off decades ago and only the Greeks remain, so now their gold weapons are ours for the taking!"**

"…He's so dumb." Jason shook his head.

"Yep." The rest of the Romans agreed.

**"Yeah...cool...ow, so that's painful...Hope I don't run into a kid with a golden spear he could ram up my ass, get it? **

"I think that's you, dude." Leo pointed to Jason.

"Great," the son of Jupiter sighed.

"Now you know how I feel." Percy told him.

**Gay innuendo...you know, because you're a fat fa–" Naruto doubled over again when Walter drove his other fist into his stomach.**

**"What does it take to shut you up!?" Walter asked with a growl.**

**Naruto coughed up some blood and then smirked at Walter. "Dunno, death probably...nah, I'll just haunt the world then."**

"We'd eject him for sure." Hades chuckled.

"Truly evil." Percy muttered.

"Oh stop your whining, Jackson. Read on."

**Walter bared his teeth and growled. He punched Naruto across the face. "Shut up!"**

**Naruto spat out a tooth. He then spat excess blood in Walter's face. "Why'd the chicken cross the road?"**

**Walter snarled and punched Naruto again. **

"At least ask why!" Frank complained, he loved those jokes.

**The blond swordsman dropped to his hands and knees**

**"To get to the cock on other side." Naruto spat out more blood and brought his swords up to drive them into Walter's gut. Walter caught the blades in his hands, but the blond let go of the handles and dropped to his knees with his fist brought back. Walter stumbled back with his eyes crossed and his hands over his crotch.**

All the guys crossed their legs.

"So not cool." Percy shivered. Why did he have to read this?!

**Naruto grinned. "Get it, cuz you're missing a cock?"**

"…Okay, bounders have been crossed." Apollo pointed out with a gross face.

**"Shut up!" Walter roared as he backhanded the blond.**

**Naruto stumbled back and fell to his knee again. He pushed himself to his feet. "I...You ever hear the one about that stupid son of Ares?"**

Percy raised his hand along with Annabeth…and everyone else besides Ares.

"Stupid, dumb, psycho murdering…" Ares grumbled.

**Walter grabbed him by the collar of his bulletproof vest and punched him in the face. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"**

**"No...you're supposed to say which one?" Naruto laughed and then grunted as he was punched in the face again.**

**"I'm going to beat you to death!" Walter's punches stopped and Naruto's head was brought up into Walter's. Naruto's head snapped back, blood gushed from his nose, but Walter wasn't finished. The son of Ares drove his knee into the blond's sternum, which made Naruto cough up more blood. Walter lifted Naruto over his head and threw him at the freeway wall.**

"Brutal…good boy." Ares smiled.

Mr. D glowered, "Come on, make him go crazy." He muttered, his diet coke can slowing being crushed in his grip.

**Naruto bounced off the concrete and crumpled to the ground with a groan. "Ow...You know, this would really hurt...if it weren't for one thing..."**

**"Even on the verge of death you refuse to shut up!" Walter sneered as he stalked forward. He grabbed Naruto by the throat with both hands and lifted him in the air. Naruto let out choked laughter and Walter's rage skyrocketed. "What?! Tell me, what's the big joke!? What is so fucking funny right as you're about to die!?"**

**Naruto let out gurgles of laughter as blood poured from his mouth. "I'm...hehe, I'm...heh...I'm stalling!"**

"…Oh crap." Ares hung his head. Another bites the dust.

**"Stalling?! Stalling for wha-!?" Walter's head exploded as a bullet shot through it from the side. He crumpled to the ground and Naruto dropped with him. Naruto pulled Walter's hands from his neck and groaned as he rubbed the sore area.**

**"For my sniper to get in place, dipshit," Naruto said. **

"My kid rules." Apollo buffed his nails on his tanktop.

**He spat more blood to the side and groaned as he fell to his back. A hand lifted up to his ear and he sighed. "White is down...Can we go home now?"**

**"**_**Are you all right?"**_

**"Do-Do you **_**really**_** care?" Naruto asked with a small hopeful smile.**

**"**_**...No."**_

**Naruto let his eyes fall shut, his smile still in place. "Yeah...Yeah, I'm alright."**

**"Did you really have to take all those shots to the face?" Toni asked as she dabbed nectar soaked rag on a cut over Naruto's eye.**

"Aw, she so does care." Aphrodite gushed with a squeal. She was so tsundere about it.

Athena frowned, not looking very thrilled if this was true.

**Naruto grinned at her, his teeth a bit red. "And miss out on saying 'Hello Nurse' to you when you walk in the door?"**

"Smooth." Apollo admitted.

"Animaniacs, one of the best shows ever." Thalia sighed out.

"Amen." Hermes nodded readily, along with a most of the guys.

**Toni shook her head. "You're an idiot, Naruto."**

**Naruto snickered. "Yeah. But it's fun."**

**Lester tucked his phone into his pocket as he walked in. "So, how's the patient?"**

**"Certifiably insane and got his ass handed to him." **

Ares grunted, at least _some_ good happened.

**Toni sighed as she cleaned the blood around Naruto's mouth.**

**"Yeah, but I'm still alive!"**

**"Whoopie." Lester waved a finger in false excitement. He crossed his arms over his chest. "That was Jordan, he can find some transport to a nearby workshop of Hephaestus' and the smith can deactivate the chemical."**

"Ooh," Hephaestus looked intrigued.

**"Can he do that?" Toni asked.**

**"It is weaponized, he's a weapon maker," Naruto said. He groaned. "Send those golden knuckle dusters too...If I don't see any more Imperial Gold in my life, it'll be too soon..."**

**"Right. So, what's the pay?" Lester asked.**

**"Thirty-Three each," Toni said. "A million goes to Jordan for transport services and cover up."**

"…This gig pays a lot of green!" Leo gaped, and rubbed his chin.

"No." Piper told him sternly.

"Oh come on!"

"You are not going to be a bounty hunter." The daughter of love glared.

Leo pouted, "Aw man."

**Lester nodded and pulled his phone out. "I'll let him know."**

**Time slowed down and Naruto turned to the readers. "Yeah, so that was chapter two. I got my ass kicked, unalived a bunch of guys, and got to feel up Toni's ass." **

"He what?!" the war goddess snapped.

Percy inwardly praised Naruto's dare.

**He grinned. "Can't wait to see what happens next time!"**

**Time sped up and Naruto grunted when Toni slapped him across the face. "Are you squeezing my ass!?"**

"Looks like it." Apollo leaned in, eying the picture, "Hm, yeah…he definitely is."

Athena whacked him.

"Ow! That's Arte's thing!"

**"I told you those pants were distracting!"**

Percy nodded to this.

"Percy!" Annabeth glared.

"Oops." The son of Poseidon muttered and tossed the book away. He needed to wash his hands, "I didn't mean it. I mean, it's like I'm looking at a future you!"

"…My gods Percy," Thalia shook her head, "That was weak."

"I know." Percy nodded, "Still, at least there aren't any more of those books, right?" he asked, hopeful.

"You just evoked Murphy, Percy. Nice one." Leo sniggered.

"Darn it!"

* * *

**Good news! Rhode, my MC from my Unrelenting Frozen Seas series, just got her own wiki page on Percy jackson fanfiction wiki! Though, sadly, it is a bit empty right now. So I ask those who are good with wikis and enjoy that story to go and help EternalKnight219 (the wonderful individual who started the page) with it if you wish. It would really mean a lot guys! **

**percyjacksonfanfiction wikia "Rhode Evans (The Unrelenting Frozen Seas)".**

**Until then, wait till next week when the next chapter comes out, peace! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Percy Jackson**_** and **_**Naruto**_**.**

**Reading: If You Want Blood You Got It**

"Not again…" Percy muttered, looking at the book like it was a bomb.

"I got this," Thalia grunted.

"Balls of steel…"

"Shut up, Valdez." Thalia glared, taking the book and began reading.

**A familiar blond male sat in a lazy-boy in a rundown apartment, idly flipping through channels on his television. Boxes of Japanese take out were piled up in the far corner and next to it was an equally tall pile of empty bottles of various beers or alcoholic beverages. **

"Ah, observe the bachelor in his natural habitat." Apollo documented.

Hermes wiped a tear from his eye, "So majestic." He awed in a whisper.

**A bottle that was in the blond's hand was brought up to his mouth and he downed the liquid that remained with ease. The bottle was then tossed to the far side and landed on top of the pile perfectly.**

"At least he's…well organized?" Hazel said.

"Don't bother, Hazel." Nico told his sister.

"Okay."

**"Man, I'm **_**so**_** bored!" Naruto whined. He rested his chin on his hand and watched an old film that played on the screen. "Ugh, nothing's on, Tasky's busy on a hunt, Lester won't return my calls, and Dad hasn't had a job for me in a week!"**

**Relax. We'll get a job soon.**

"…He has voices in his head?" Percy asked.

"Don't we all?" Dionysus asked with a confused frown.

**Naruto looked up at the yellow thought box with an arched brow. "Are we really doing the thought boxes thing? Am I nothing more than a Deadpool knock-off?"**

"Yes. Yes you are." Hades nodded, "But you still are amusing." He noted.

**Partially, but the author must consider you one of the Deadpool's of the multiverse. After all **_**Marvel**_** and **_**Percy Jackson**_** are owned by Disney.**

"No one owns me!" Percy protested.

"…It explains so much." Annabeth muttered to herself.

"What?"

"Nothing!"

**"That's true," Naruto said with a thoughtful hum. He grinned. "Wait, that means that somewhere there's a Lady Deadpool destined to fall for me!"**

"Selfcest…by a raise of hands, people!" Aphrodite raised her hand, the other gods looking bashful, avoiding her gaze, "Hmph, cowards."

Piper just face palmed.

**Uh, no. She falls for the real Deadpool, you know, the original with the cancer disfigurement?**

**"Oh, right...You know something? He really doesn't look **_**that**_** bad," Naruto said. He rubbed his chin. "Then again, if I had the face of a man who'd been mauled by a puma and couldn't fix it with plastic surgery, I think I would wear a mask nonstop."**

"Agreed." Aphrodite nodded sternly.

_**Yeah, but then who could see our sexy mugs?**_

**"True dat, white box. True dat!" Naruto nodded and grinned as he scratched at the light stubble that covered his jaw. He snapped his fingers and hopped to stand on the arms of his chair. "I've got it! I'll go visit Peter!"**

Percy paled, a whimper escaping his lips. His poor, poor other.

**Percy.**

**"Whatever!" Naruto put his fists on his hips and puffed out his chest with a grin on his face. "It's settled, I'll go visit Pablo and we'll have an awesome adventure! One so legendary, they'll speak of it for decades to come. Eons even!"**

"And thus mass genocide happened in New York City that day." Ares said, letting out a sigh of pleasure.

"You are sickening." Athena scowled.

"Meh." The war god shrugged.

_**Ooo, Eon? Will we meet Captain Marvel, too?**_

**I'm pretty sure that's a DC character.**

"Ah, the debates that will forever roam the internet." Apollo sighed, he loved looking at flame wars. They were hilarious! He even started a few just to be an internet troll for the hell of it. Ah, stupid mortals.

**"Eh, who cares? We're already ruining the continuity of one universe, let's fuck 'em all up!" Naruto frowned at the boxes above his head. "But first, let's get one thing straight. If I'm going to have voices in my head, they're not going to be nameless! You, yellow box, will be known as...Kurama!"**

**Hm, strong like a mountain and devious...I like it!**** The newly named Kurama said happily.**

"And there's the fox." Zeus grunted.

**"And as for my white box friend, you sound like me, only higher in pitch...like an opposite! I'll call you Yami Naruto, or Yami for short!" Naruto grinned.**

"Darkness, wonderful." Hades rolled his eyes.

_**Yay! I am the King of Games! It's time to duel! Mind Crush! Oh, the fun to be had! **_**Yami giggled.**

**Indeed. Let's get going! I'm starting to fall asleep.**** Kurama yawned.**

**"Off then, to a new adventure!" Naruto declared dramatically before he jumped out the window...and shattered the glass in the process. "Ow, dammit."**

"That had to hurt. Healing factor or not he has to pull that all out." Nico winced, rubbing his arms.

**In a small apartment in New York, Percy Jackson groaned and forced himself to stay awake as he attempted to survive the latest torture that the Fates had decided to bestow upon him: Math homework. **

"You poor baby." Annabeth cooed playfully, pinching Percy's cheek.

Percy swatted it away, his cheeks pink. "Shut up." He mumbled.

**His hand that held his head up slipped into his hair as he stared at his **_**least**_** favorite type of questions, the dreaded word problem. **

"Words and numbers do not mix." Percy scowled, crossing his arms.

**Seriously, Percy loved his dad and he knew his dad loved him, but good gods, Percy **_**hated**_** having dyslexia.**

The godly parents shrugged, shit happens.

**"I wish Annabeth were here...ugh." **

"To have something to look at." Leo whistled to the smiling couple.

**Percy let his arms cross and he dropped his head onto them. "Math is evil..."**

Percy nodded with his other.

**"Percy!" His mother, Sally Jackson, called.**

**Percy turned his head toward the door. "Yeah, Mom?"**

**"Someone's here to see you? A funny boy named...Nathan?" She sounded as though she were double-checking.**

"…No." Percy whisper in fear for his mom.

"Maybe it isn't him?" Frank suggested weakly.

**"Yo, Patrick, it's Naruto! C'mon man let's go do something!"**

"Or it is."

**Percy's head lifted up and all the weariness that his homework had caused him left so that worry and a bit of fear could take its place. His heart pounded in his chest and his mouth went dry.**

**"Naruto." The name brought forward nearly repressed memories of their only mission together, the one Blackjack has still not forgiven him for. Percy paled. That guy was alone with **_**his mom**_**!?**

"Run!" Percy shouted, save mom!

"He can't hear you, Bubble Boy." Thalia reminded him.

"I don't care!"

**The son of Poseidon shot from his desk and threw his bedroom door open. He ran into the living room and nearly slipped as he stopped. He stared absolutely dumbfounded at what he found.**

**His mother and Naruto laughing together.**

**"An-and then he said, because it wanted a nice cock!" Percy gaped as his mother, who chided him on his language and his attitude, who seemed like the purest and nicest woman who had no idea what the word vulgar would mean, laughed harder.**

"No! Not missus Jackson!" Leo cried out.

"You don't even know her." Jason told him.

"Well, still!" Leo said, getting Percy to nod quickly.

**"Oh my," Sally said with another giggle. "I haven't laughed that hard since I met Paul."**

Poseidon pursed his lips at that, much like a fish. But, he was still happy that Sally was happy.

**"Hm, so there's someone funnier than me?! I must eliminate the threat...then again if you're dating him that means he's off the market and unapproachable...which means I get more of the ladies!" Naruto beamed while Sally let out another laugh. He hopped to his feet and took Sally's hand in his own. "It's been a pleasure, but with the boy bubbler present, we can be on our way."**

**He kissed her hand and Sally tittered in amusement while Percy slapped a hand on his face. **

"Hand sanitizer?" Reyna asked Percy, getting a dry look from him.

He thought she wasn't the funny one?

**Naruto then jumped over the couch and wrapped his arm around Percy's neck. He pointed out at the window. "With me, Perseus! To battle for the glory of Asgard!"**

The gods looked unamused at that while the kids snickered a bit.

**Olympus.**

**Naruto rolled his eyes. "Details!"**

**"Wha-no, I-I've got homework to do-o-o!" Percy cried as Naruto pulled him out of the room.**

"…Wow, Percy would rather do homework then be with Naruto? That speaks volumes." Annabeth whistled, looking awed.

"…I'm not that bad."

Percy just got a raised brow from his girlfriend at that one.

**"Be careful, Percy!" Sally called after her son before she shut the door. "What a nice young man. Percy's certainly made an interesting friend."**

"No, mom, no!" Percy cried out, "Not a friend, not a friend!"

**"I. Hate. You." Percy growled. He shifted around in his cocoon of duct tape **

"Aaand save." Ares said holding up a cellphone, "That's my cells new background." He smiled.

Percy just glared at him.

**and glared at the blond that drove them around in a convertible. "How did you even do this so fast!?"**

**"The power of a short time skip! **

"And the forth wall takes another blow!" Leo bemoaned.

"No need to fret, Leo Valdez." Athena smirked at Poseidon, "I'm sure our dear sea god can fix it. He has prior experience after all."

Poseidon just gave her a dirty look.

**It's faster than a montage, which I would've used, but my iPod didn't have the right song." Naruto sighed.**

**You just **_**had**_** to have all those Taylor Swift CDs.**

_**Don't diss Taylor! She's the queen of our dreams~!**_

Thalia blanched, "Yeah, he's a lost cause." She huffed.

"Drama queen." Nico rolled his eyes.

"Hey!" the hunter glared.

**"What Yami said! Swift's the queen of the charts...and of my heart...Aside from Tasky of course," Naruto said. **

"Aww, that's sweet." Aphrodite cooed as Athena couldn't help but feel sorry for her daughter.

**He looked at Percy. "And I wouldn't have had to duct tape you if you didn't keep trying to run away!"**

**"You're holding me hostage!" Percy tried to shift so he could get his hand into his pocket and grab Riptide.**

"Hostage, such an ugly word." Hades frowned.

"You would know." Demeter glared, making Hades roll his eyes.

**Naruto snorted. "You say hostage, I say guys' night out."**

**Percy scowled and tried to think of a way to get out of this predicament."...I have to pee."**

Annabeth palmed her face, "Oh Percy." She mumbled.

"What? That's a legit excuse!"

**"Then pee. It's not like this is my car," Naruto said with a smirk.**

Hermes cheered at that.

**Percy looked at Naruto with a frown and then looked at the road. "...Fine. I don't have to pee. Why did you kidnap me?"**

"He pulled a Hades."

"Hestia, tell Demeter to suck an ear of corn."

Hestia sighed at her siblings squabbling.

**Naruto looked offended. "Hey, I took you with your parent's permission, that's **_**not**_** kidnapping!"**

"A valid point." Hades nodded, looking at Zeus.

"Don't bring me into this." The lightning god said sternly.

**Percy ignored the comment. "And who's Tasky?"**

**"Well to answer your first question, I took you out away from your dreadful math homework-"**

**"How did you know it was math!?"**

"Forth wall." Leo deduced.

"Scary." Hazel shuddered.

**Naruto ignored the son of the sea. "- to have a fun night on the town! As for the second, you're not the only one with a Wise Girl in their lives."**

**"...You're dating a daughter of Athena?" Percy asked with wide eyes.**

"How envious he sounds." Piper teased, getting Annabeth to giggle and smile at Percy, getting a goofy smile from him.

**"Date is a...strong word. She prefers to call it a 'beneficial relationship'," Naruto said. His relationship was weird like that, but he wouldn't have it any other way.**

_**With lots and lots of sex!**_** Yami chimed in with a giggle.**

Aphrodite was in titters. Athena just frowned, not wishing to hear this.

**Kurama sighed. ****Yes, that's what was implied.**

_**Ohh...But why not just say it?**_** Yami asked.**

**Kurama huffed. ****Because, Percy Jackson is a Disney character – well, not directly but you know what I mean. He is...pure of mind.**

"And dense." Annabeth huffingly added.

"Okay, maybe a little bit." Percy admitted stubbornly.

**"I call bullshit on that, no one is **_**that**_** pure! ...Except for maybe Artemis." Naruto amended. **

"Maybe?" Artemis raised a brow dangerously.

**"Not too sure about that Oreo guy's real relationship with her, though."**

Apollo snickered as Reyna scowled at the mention of the giant.

"Nothing happened!" the huntress denied.

"Me thinks the lady doth protest too much."

"Silence, Harlot!"

**True...What about Hestia? ****Kurama asked.**

**Naruto nodded. "Okay, she's pure."**

Hestia beamed at that.

**"Who?" Percy asked, though he was ignored.**

**And Athena?**

_**Um, hello? That's Tasky's Mom!**_** Yami dryly pointed out.**

**Hm, point taken...I wonder how Brain Babes are actually made?**** Kurama hummed.**

**Yami could've rolled his eyes if he had them. **_**Imaginary sex, duh. Even **_**I**_** knew that!**_

All eyes turned to Athena, who was slightly pink, "It's not true at all."

"Of course not." Aphrodite commented, looking as though she was the cat that ate the canary.

**And they call her a virgin goddess...consider me disgusted! Always silently undressing those poor college students while she teaches them...****Kurama shuddered.**

"Athena!" the love goddess squealed.

"Mom?" Annabeth questioned.

"It's not true!" the wisdom goddess proclaimed.

**"Now that is one TILF I'd like to meet." **

"…I will burn him to ashes." Athena hissed, much like a snake.

**Naruto grinned as turned the corner into Central Park.**

**"Who the heck are you talking to?" Percy asked finally.**

**"The voices in my head." Naruto shrugged nonchalantly.**

**Percy suddenly grew even **_**more**_** concerned for his own safety.**

"Now he does?" Jason asked.

"Well, more so." Percy admitted.

"…Still, now?"

_**Hello Princely!**_** Yami called.**

**He can't hear you, Yami.**** Kurama pointed out.**

_**Is he deaf?**_** Yami asked innocently.**

Percy just cradled his face in his palms, he could feel his sanity leaving him. Just by hearing this!

**"No, but you are stuck in my head," Naruto said as he pulled into a parking spot. Once the engine was stopped, he got out of the car and went around to Percy's side. He grabbed the duck taped demigod and hoisted him out without an issue. "C'mon Porunga!"**

"Seriously?" Percy asked, "Do I look like a dragon?"

**Percy glared at the blond teen. "Do I look like a dragon to you?"**

The other demigods chuckled at Percy's red face, "Shut up." He grumbled, crossing his arms.

"Never." Thalia chuckled and continued.

**Naruto held him up and pursed his lips in thought. His eyes flashed purple and a smile spread across his face. Instead of a green-eyed duck taped boy, he saw a red-eyed, green-scaled dragon that looked like it had been working out with Ares for the past fifty years its arms and chest were so big.**

"Percy, dude, you buffed up." Leo whistled.

Percy pumped his arm, "Huh." He mused.

"Not too buff, please." Annabeth told him.

"Oh, okay."

**"Yes!" Naruto nodded.**

**"Oh...Dad, help." Percy looked up towards the Empire State Building and hoped his father could hear him.**

"And he was answered with silence." Zeus smirked.

Poseidon glared at his brother.

**"Lighten up, Peter-boy, we're here for a reason!" Naruto dumped Percy on the ground and reached behind him to pull out a giant knife. "Now, hold still otherwise this could **_**really**_** hurt."**

**Oh he'll be fine. He has a broken healing factor.**** Kurama rolled his eyes.**

"Right?!" Ares exclaimed.

"It's not broken." Poseidon rolled his eyes.

"Healing is my shtick you know." Apollo stated to his favorite uncle.

Poseidon looked sheepish at that.

_**Not as broken as ours!**_** Yami declared challengingly.**_** Can he heal from a gunshot to the head like we can? No!**_

"I'd rather not test it." Percy stated.

"Aw." Ares said, lowing the gun he had trained on Jackson's head.

**Well, no shit. We got our broken healing factor from Lyssa and the Maniae. **

"Of course." Dionysus nodded, "That makes sense."

All the other gods groaned at this, of course the nut jobs would do this!

**And they were just too crazy to make us truly immortal. What's his excuse?**** Kurama demanded.**

**"He's the son of the immortal merman!" Naruto chimed as he stabbed the cocoon with a mad smile. Percy looked ready to faint, the knife had been stabbed right below his groin. **

"No! Annabeth hasn't used that yet!"

"Aphrodite!" Athena screeched like an owl at the giggling love goddess.

Annabeth's cheeks were enflamed at the very thought along with Percy.

**Naruto ignored the white-skinned hero and slid the knife down, to free Percy's legs. He then grabbed either leg and pulled them free. "There now you can walk!"**

**The pale boy glared at him. "You're insane. You know that, right?"**

**"Well, I'm flattered you want to flirt, Percy, but I don't swing that way...I think..."**

Percy gaped as Aphrodite smirked.

"My oh my, Percy!"

Annabeth held Percy's arm possessively at that.

_**Boobies!**_** Yami cheered.**

**"And insta-boner. Yep, you're safe. I'm straight as a two-by-four!" Naruto gave Percy a thumbs up. **

All the gods gave salutes to this. All hail the boobies!

**He then grabbed one side of the duct tape and ripped it off, which freed Percy from his cocoon. "There, now you're free. And now that that's out of the way, let's go. We got a camp to fuck up."**

**"What?" Percy blinked as he pulled his right arm from the rest of the trap. He rubbed his skin. "Ow...I think I pulled some hairs..."**

**Naruto shrugged. "Meh, it'll help you swim faster, or so I hear."**

"He did not just say that…" Poseidon shook his head.

**Percy just stared at the blond, completely disbelieving that he just said that to a son of Poseidon. For his own sanity's sake, Percy shook it off. He'd think about it later...when he was dead. **

"Always an incentive." Nico nodded.

"Not really." Hazel said dryly.

"**So, you said something about a camp?"**

**"Huh? Oh yeah, I got a call on my way over to your house. Tasky and Leopold found a Kronos campsite here in Central Park." Naruto grinned and went to the trunk of the car. He popped it open and a man cocooned in duct tape flailed fearfully. Naruto backhanded him. "Shut up! I'm busy. Now move your legs so I can get my stuff..."**

**Percy gasped. "There's someone in the trunk!?"**

"How observant." Athena said dryly, getting a flustered look from the son of Poseidon.

**"Duh, I told you the car wasn't mine." Naruto rolled his eyes as he pulled out a duffle bag.**

_**What an idiot!**_** Yami snickered.**

**"But we hit like ten pot holes!" **

Ares snigger at that along with a few other gods.

"That's priceless." Hermes choked out.

**Percy continued. "Is he a mortal!?"**

**"I know, right? And he's still alive! That's one hell of a padded trunk." Naruto praised as he slung his swords over his shoulder. He pulled out a red and black domino mask and a grey and black domino mask. He weighed each carefully in his hands. "I could go classic DP and get big fan-service points...or I could go black ops DP and get dark edgy points...Hm..."**

"Quite the conundrum." Hades frowned, it was so hard to choose which was better.

**You are wearing a red shirt.**** Kurama pointed out.**

_**But Tasky likes grey!**_** Yami added.**

"And that always matters." Aphrodite nodded eagerly.

**"Not to mention the grey is also very slimming..." Naruto hummed.**

Percy gave Annabeth a look, "It's true." He smiled, getting a pretty smile from his girlfriend.

**"What are you doing!? Get that guy out of the trunk!" Percy demanded.**

**Naruto snorted. "Yeah, so he can go call the cops? I think not."**

**"He'll suffocate!"**

**"I left his nose uncovered. He'll be fine!"**

"It's true, he can last for a while." Nico pointed out.

Percy frowned, "That's not the point!"

Nico just shrugged.

**"If you're not going to let him out, I will," Percy said.**

**Naruto looked up and scowled at the boy. "Wanna run that by me again?"**

**Yami growled. **_**Oh, he done tried to get in our way!**_

**That'll be one ass kicking, please.**** Kurama chuckled.**

"No, other me, don't be stupid!" Percy cried out.

Thalia snorted, "Too late for that one, Wethead."

"Shut it, Pinecone Face."

**"You can't keep a mortal in the trunk, he'll die!" Percy scowled.**

**Naruto's eyes turned purple. "You'd risk the camp for the safety of **_**one**_** guy? A no-named loser I carjacked?"**

"Ah, clashing morals." Ares sighed, "Best way to start a fight."

"Perhaps in a less hostile debate." Athena noted.

"Bah! Screw words, I'd rather tango with a sword."

Apollo looked to Aphrodite, "I think you might have been replaced."

"Stuff it Sunhead!"

**Percy pulled Riptide out of his pocket and his thumb edged around the cap. "It's not right!"**

**Naruto scoffed as he stood up and crossed his arms, both masks still in either hand. "Right. Wrong. Two words with **_**very**_** open meanings. What's right to him is wrong to you, and what's wrong to you is right to me! It's all about **_**perspective**_**."**

"Deep." Leo nodded.

"Surprising," Piper admitted.

**"My perspective tells me that leaving this guy taped up in a trunk is **_**wrong**_**!" Percy glared at the blond and his thumb slowly started to push Riptide's cap off.**

**Naruto pursed his lips and glared back at the boy. Then he moved. In a swift moment, the grey mask was over Percy's head. The boy was stunned and Naruto stepped back with a thumbs up and a smile on his face. "There, problem solved! You have a Deadpool mask on, morality is no longer an issue!"**

"…Makes sense." Dionysus nodded.

"No it doesn't." Zeus shook his head.

"I think so." Leo admitted.

"That's because you're weird."

Leo glared at the smirking Jason.

**"You can't just do that!" Percy yanked the mask off his head and uncapped Riptide. The bronze blade folded out and he pointed it at the blond. "Let. Him. Go."**

**"Hm, hm...Well, I seem to be at a disadvantage here..." Naruto stroked his chin thoughtfully. Then he shrugged. "All right, blubber boy, you win. I'll let him go. Don't say I never did anything nice for you."**

"Such a good soul." Hestia smiled, at least the young man had some redeeming qualities.

**Naruto reached into the trunk and pulled the man out. The duct tape was cut off and Naruto dusted the man's shoulders. "Again, really sorry about the whole car-jacking thing. I've learned my lesson and I'm going to turn myself in. You're free to go."**

**"Y-You're crazy! A mad man!" The man pushed Naruto away and began to run. "Help! Somebody! Help!"**

"Way to go Jackson, totally ruined the mission." Ares chided, only to get the middle finger form Percy.

**"...I guess this means I get to keep the car..." Naruto smiled.**

**Percy capped Riptide and crossed his arms. "See? Was that so-?"**

**A gunshot rang out and the man dropped dead. Percy gaped while Naruto burst into laughter.**

**"The look on your face!" He pointed at the son of Poseidon with a few tears in his eyes. "You thought he'd actually get away, after he saw us?"**

Hestia paled, she took back what she said. That was horrible!

Hera patted her shoulder, "There there, sister."

**"What-how-but?" Percy was at a loss for words. A scoff from the side had him turn and another blond with a bullseye tattooed over his eye walked out from the shadows.**

**"That was a complete waste of a bullet. And it's probably gotten the attention of the camp." The man stuffed a handgun into a blue bag and dropped it in the trashcan. "We've got at least twenty minutes before the cops show to clean up that mess."**

"Ooh, time limits are fun," Ares smiled.

"Sadly you never make a deadline."

"Stuff it bird head." The war god told Athena with a glare. He had wonderful timing!

**"Hey, but at least your target's been framed, huh? That'll help you find him," Naruto said with a grin.**

**Percy had Riptide out and was ready to fight. "Who are you, huh?"**

**"Ease off, fucktard. I've got no qualms about putting one right between those pretty green eyes," the older guy said with a sneer. **

"Pst, I think he likes you." Frank whispered to Percy.

"I have that effect on people." The son of Poseidon nodded.

**He pointed a thumb at himself. "Name's Lester. I'm with the psychopath."**

**"Always so nice to me!" Naruto grinned as he slung an arm over Lester's shoulder. "Leonidas, meet Prancer. Prancer, this is Leonardo."**

"Like the artist?" Hermes gasped.

Apollo snorted, "No you nerd, like the ninja turtle!"

"Oh!"

**Lester's eye twitched. "I'm going to kill you. One day. I won't tell you when. I won't tell you how-"**

**"You'll shoot me with a celestial bronze bullet that you carved my name into," Naruto said with a smile. He pinched Lester's cheek. "Such a romantic!"**

"AH, the fighting, the blood, the gore!" Ares sighed, off in a daydream.

"He'll be out of it for a while." Aphrodite frowned.

**Lester smacked Naruto's hand away and glared at him. "Don't touch me."**

**"Aw, I thought we bonded."**

**"Like an infection." Lester growled. He pulled on a black mask with a white bullseye over his right eye, where his tattoo was. "Now get ready. Toni got some planner from the camp to come help her take some info. We're on distraction duty."**

**Naruto clapped his hands eagerly. "Oh goodie! I get to unalive people!"**

"Unalive people, still love that." Nico smirked, it had such a fun ring to it.

"Nico, no unaliving people." Hazel frowned.

"Aw…"

**Percy stared at the two. "Wait, we're here to...to..."**

**"Kill people. Geez, boy scout much?" Lester asked with a snort.**

**"Oh come on, he's a hero! You know how they are," Naruto shrugged.**

_**Anti-heroism is way more fun!**_** Yami decreed.**

**Amen to that.**** Kurama said in agreement.**

**"So he's our little Captain America, huh?" Lester smirked.**

"Too bad he keeps losing his shield." Annabeth giggled.

Percy gave a sheepish laugh at that.

**Naruto snorted as he pulled his mask on. "That would imply that he's a veteran hero. No, he's more like my version of Bob, Agent of Hydra."**

**"Ah, the cowardly klutz?" Lester chuckled and looked Percy over with a hidden smirk. "I see it."**

**Percy scowled. "What's that supposed to mean?"**

"Yeah, jerk?" Percy demanded.

**"It means, **_**kid**_**, that you haven't got the **_**guts**_** to do our type of work," Lester said condescendingly. He crossed his arms and huffed. "I'll bet you haven't actually killed anyone face to face before have you? Never saw the life leave their eyes. The blood on your hands that you find yourself dreaming about...drowning in..."**

"How…poetic." Athena said dryly.

"I don't know," Apollo frowned, "It could use some work honestly."

**"Whoa...that was deep," Naruto said with a mild blink.**

**"Yeah? I'm thinking of writing a poem for Brenda...Wait, why am I telling you this?! I never tell you any of this!"**

**"You were in the moment." Naruto shrugged. He grabbed the mask Percy had tossed to the ground and threw it back at the boy. "Put it on."**

**"Why should I?" Percy asked.**

**"Well for one, it protects your identity from mortal eyes." Lester listed.**

"…We so need to invest in that!" Percy declared.

"You mean you do, Seaweed Brain." Annabeth pointed out.

"The media hates me." The son of Poseidon pouted.

**"And for another thing, it keeps the blood off your face and hair." Naruto nodded. "Blood's a bitch to wash out of your hair."**

"I love bathing in it."

"Ares, just, just stop." Zeus groaned, rubbing his face.

"No promises." The war god grinned.

**Lester shuddered. "That time in Moscow."**

**"Oh, come on, that was fun! We never get to travel anymore. All the grown demigods are 'normal' people. So boring!"**

"Nothing wrong with normal." Percy admitted, loving the fact that there was no world ending crises anymore. At least, for now…hopefully. Please?

**"I like normal," Percy said as he pulled the mask on. "Ugh, this mask smells like Doritos."**

"Yum," Frank smiled.

**"Suck it up, weirdo." Naruto snorted. He drew his swords and grinned under his mask. "Time for a little murder..."**

**"Can you please not call it that?" Percy asked.**

**"Alright **_**fine**_**..." Naruto slouched with a mild glare. "Spoilsport. Let's go unalive some people!"**

_**We need a battle cry. The Greeks have no battle cry!**_** Yami huffed as Naruto charged forward towards the camp.**

**You could always yell...wait, no, forget that, don't you dare yell that!**** Kurama yelled.**

**"LEEROY JENKINS!" Naruto cried as he sliced the heads off of two sentries.**

"Praise WoW, just please it for the most wonderful of people." Apollo praised Blizzard.

**Ugh. Idiot.**** Kurama groaned.**

_**No, that was genius!**_** Yami argued.**

**Sirens went off around the camp and many rogue demigods rushed out with celestial weapons at the ready. Naruto danced around their weapons and cut them down while Lester picked them off from a distance. Percy, who just arrived stumbled back and covered his mouth as he saw an arm land in front of him.**

"He's been-!"

"Leo, shut up." Piper said, using charmspeak.

Leo stayed quiet.

**"Oh, man, I think I'm going to puke..." Percy said, his hand reached up for his mask.**

**"**_**Don't bitch out,**_**" Lester said into the com-link that was in his ear. "**_**Just ignore the smell. And whatever you do, don't follow Naruto."**_

**"Uh, not much choice. They're all going after him," Percy said.**

**"T**_**hen whoever's left, just put out of their misery. Like this one.**_**" A shot put a nearby girl down for good. "**_**R.I.P. bitch.**_**"**

Artemis frowned at this, glaring at Apollo.

"Hey, she's an enemy, they tend to die."

Artemis conceded to that, but still didn't like it.

**Percy winced and began to slowly make his way through the bodies. When he heard a groan, Percy looked down and found a boy around his age with his throat sliced and his right arm missing from the shoulder down. The boy gurgled and weakly reached out for him.**

**"Man...what happened to just fighting monsters? I could deal with fighting monsters..." Percy groaned and lifted Riptide up. He hesitated for a second before he looked away and brought the sword down.**

"Jackson popped his cherry! Tough luck, Chase." Ares laughed.

Annabeth and Percy glared at him, despite their cheeks burning pink.

**"**_**Don't look away. You could miss and then I'd have to waste a bullet on your kill.**_**" Lester sneered as another shot rang off.**

**"Do you feel bad about killing them?" Percy asked angrily.**

**"**_**No. They chose their life and unfortunately it put them against me. This is my job. I'm good at what I do. On your left, I got it.**_**"**

**A slowly rising demigod was put down as a bullet pierced his heart and he flopped to his back. Percy winced. He didn't ask for this.**

"Look at that bounce." Ares whistled. Oh man, this was awesome!

**"**_**Heh, try to play dead and you soon become it. **_

"Boo." Nico jeered, lame!

_**...Hm, I can do better than that. Give me a second...**_**"**

**"Is this a game to you?" Percy asked. **

"Insert Saw reference." Apollo said.

**He didn't get a reply. As he rounded the bend, he stopped behind a tent and watched Naruto put down kids his age and older, all the while he sang. It was the most disturbing thing Percy ever saw.**

**She had to get away. She had to run. The young demigoddess ducked behind a table in the head camp tent. Why did she leave camp? It wasn't so bad! She just wasn't claimed, was it really that bad?**

Artemis' heart lurched, "The poor girl."

**"Round and round the Mulberry Bush..."**

**"Make him go away, please make him go away!" The girl whimpered. She grabbed her dark hair and closed her eyes, begging the gods for forgiveness. **

Zeus frowned as the other gods gave a few nods or thoughtful looks.

**She heard the stories, but thought they were just stories. Scary stories to make kids like her scared.**

**"The monkey chased the **_**wea-sel**_**..."**

"That's just, like, whatever that movie is, scary." Leo shivered, "That one with the little girl on the bike."

**Her eyes clung shut and she whimpered. Please don't let him find her. Please, gods, generous and kind, don't let him find her!**

**"Hm...The monkey stopped and scratched his head..."**

"She's boned," Ares grunted, getting a swat from Aphrodite, "Wha?"

"Not funny." The goddess frowned.

**The sound of footsteps became distant and she waited with bated breath before she chanced a peek out from her hiding spot. She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding and ran from the tent for the woods. She chanced a look behind her. Nothing. She turned ahead and pumped her arms and legs faster. She was going to go back to camp, beg for forgiveness, anything to get away from this...this monster!**

"Smart girl," Annabeth nodded.

**She ran around a corner and ran through the trees. She didn't care that she didn't know who her parent was anymore. She didn't care that her dad didn't want her. **

Piper frowned at that, was that how camp was before the war?

**She just wanted to get away. Luke was crazy, she could see that now.**

"Oh, right before she dies she sees it? Lame." Ares snorted, crossing his arms.

**Who in their right mind would want to be on the wrong side of Naruto Uzumaki, let alone the gods!?**

**"He said there was no chance of being found," she said to herself with tears in her eyes. The others were dead because of the 'strategic' campsite. Because of Luke!**

"All his fault…"

"Shut up, Ares." Hermes glared at his war brother, who grinned back at him.

**She stopped by a tree and ducked behind it to catch her breath. She looked behind her, as more gunshots rang out and more screams followed. She sighed in relief. She was safe. He didn't follow her. She turned to run and two sharp things were shoved through her stomach. Blue orbs stared into crazed red.**

**"Pop goes the weasel!"**

"He has no morals whatsoever!" Artemis shot up, glaring at the image with hate.

"Easy, Arte, easy!" Apollo cried out at his twins' seething anger.

**Naruto watched the girl collapse after he cast a dream of paranoia on her with his madness abilities. **

"You were saying?" Dionysus asked the huntress mockingly.

Artemis sat down, looking embarrassed.

**He turned and stabbed an older boy through the stomach with a glare. "This girl's hardly a teenager...are you taking children from camp now?"**

"They did talk over a lot of them." Percy frowned.

**"Th-the Olympians didn't want her..." the boy gasped.**

**Naruto scowled under his mask and sliced his throat. "Maybe she just wasn't ready to be claimed!" He kicked the demigod down and watched him choke on his own blood with an angry glare. "And they call me crazy...I don't turn young kids against their parents."**

"Like Luke."

"Ares, enough," Hestia frowned, making the war god zip it.

**Naruto sheathed his swords and picked the girl up. He'd have to have his father get rid of that nightmare later...and make sure she's claimed. This kid needed a stable family. **

Hestia nodded sternly to this.

**He walked back to the center of camp and met up with Percy.**

**Percy's eyes landed on the girl in his arms. "I-Is she?"**

**"I'm not a child murderer! A teen unaliver, sure, but not a child murderer," Naruto hissed. **

"Hm, so he does have morals." Dionysus said, glancing at Artemis.

The huntress just averted her eyes.

**He adjusted his grip on the girl and scowled. "Once you hit fifteen, you're fair game. And most of these kids are that age. She's barely eleven at most."**

**Percy looked at her carefully. "Wait, I know her...her name's Lacy. She was in Hermes' cabin last year."**

"Lacy?!" Piper gasped.

"Oops." Aphrodite muttered.

"Mom!"

"I said oops!"

**"Seems a few runaways took her along." Lester walked up and lifted his mask. He winced at the cringes on her face. "Yeesh, what'd you do to her?"**

**"Gave her a few nightmares." Naruto frowned. He put a hand on her forehead. A moment later and peace covered her face. "And now they're gone."**

**"Aren't you sweet?" Lester smirked.**

**Naruto pulled his mask off and grinned. "Just a lovable teddy bear!" **

"With razorblades." Percy added.

**He handed the girl over to Percy. "Here, hold this."**

**"What, why?"**

**"Because we're not al-ugh!" Naruto flew to the side with an arrow in his head.**

**Lester turned to where the arrow was shot and put a hole between the archer's head. "He's down."**

**"He's dead!" Percy began to freak out. "He's dead! Holy-I mean, wow! He just! Gone!"**

"Wow, Percy," Nico sniggered, "Just, you're reaction!" he laughed out.

"Shut up, I don't know he has healing!" Percy protested.

**"Yeah, horrible, isn't it? Listen, I'll go put sleeping cutie in the car and you wait for Toni and her partner to show up," Lester said as he took Lacy from the shell shocked Percy.**

"Yes, good boy." Aphrodite nodded, still worried over her baby girl.

**Percy watched the older blond walk away. "Wait, but, he's...How...You're just going to walk away?!"**

"He don't give no shits." Ares smirked.

"Like boss." Apollo added.

**"Yeah! You have fun showing that to Toni!" Lester called back over his shoulder.**

**Percy gaped and stuttered for a moment. He looked back at Naruto's body and gulped. Sure, he wasn't Naruto's number one fan, but that didn't mean he wanted the blond to die! And Percy really didn't have an idea of what to do. He wished Annabeth were here. She'd know what to do.**

"Dig a shallow grave?" Annabeth suggested with a smile.

"Dark." Hazel stated.

**"Percy?"**

**Yeah, she'd sound just as surprised as that...Wait. Percy looked up and fumbled for words as Annabeth ran towards him. The daughter of Athena came to a stop near him and grabbed his shoulders.**

**"What are you doing here? Are you okay? You've got blood on your shirt..." Annabeth frowned as she looked him over.**

"Luckily, it's not his own." Frank stated.

"Those are just the worse." Jason frowned.

**"A-Annabeth? Wh-what? How?" Percy was so ready to check out for the next week. He just wanted to lay down in bed and sleep.**

**"Mr. D sent me on a mission with the last counselor of my cabin," Annabeth said with a displeased grunt. "We've never really gotten along..."**

"That's surprising." Athena frowned, wondering why.

**"Uh-huh..." Percy nodded dumbly.**

**"What are you doing here? Wait, Percy...were you...were you part of the distraction?" Annabeth asked lowly.**

**Percy just nodded again.**

**Annabeth sympathized with him and gave him a light hug that he returned. "You okay?"**

"Hugs make everything better." Percy nodded.

**"I just...I couldn't save him...he just...dropped and..."**

**Annabeth pulled back with a frown. "Who?"**

**Percy looked down at the body. Annabeth followed his gaze and then gasped. "Oh gods! Is that?"**

**"Yeah."**

**"He's...?"**

**"Yeah."**

**"...I...We need to get his body out of here," Annabeth said finally. "He should be burned at camp...for Pollux..."**

"At least pull the arrow out." Nico said innocently.

"Ha. Ha." Annabeth told him dryly.

**"R-Right, but I have to explain it to-"**

**"Later, we need to get the body moved." Annabeth swallowed heavily and went over to his legs. She looked back at Percy. "Well? Come on Seaweed Brain."**

**"Er, right." Percy walked over and picked up Naruto under the shoulders. His head lulled back and what sounded like a grunt escaped his lips. "Did you hear that?"**

"Save me," Apollo said in a tiny voice.

**"It's just a death rattle...a sound the body makes as air escapes it," Annabeth said softly as she carried his legs. "Geez, he's heavy."**

**"Yeah, but at least he's not fat."**

**"...Percy, muscle is heavier than fat."**

**"...Oh."**

"Those Biology classes are going to be tough, huh?" Piper asked Percy, getting a dull glare from him.

**They carried the body awkwardly until they reached the edge of the camp. They set him down to get a break. As they did, Lester walked back up with a smirk on his face.**

**"Hey, kid, good news! Apparently someone up there heard little Lacy's prayer and sent a couple of expert Satyrs out to retrieve her," he said. **

Aphrodite was all smiles at that.

**He then nodded at Annabeth. "Who's the mini-Toni?"**

That got a few snickers.

"It's usually mini-Athena." Percy muttered with a grin.

Annabeth pouted at him.

**"Annabeth Chase, counselor of cabin six," Annabeth said with a mild frown.**

**Lester nodded. "Nice to meet you. Lester. Why'd you carry Naruto all the way over here?"**

**"We need to return his body to camp," Percy said.**

**Lester blinked. "Wait, he still hasn't gotten up yet?"**

**"He's dead." The two younger demigods deadpanned.**

"Wrong." Said the readers in a united deadpan.

**Lester hummed and pointed at the figure just a few feet away. "What do you call that then?"**

**Annabeth and Percy turned to see Naruto amble away with a funky limp due to the arrow in his head. "DHuuruhhah!"**

Mostly everyone pointed and laughed at the scene, it was hilarious!

Dionysus rubbed his beard, "Hm, reminds me of this hangover I once saw…then he got hit by an eighteen wheeler."

"Pleasant." Hera frowned at him.

**"Oh my gods!" Annabeth cried.**

**"What the hell!?" Percy was so shocked he couldn't help but swear to demonstrate it.**

"Hell is a swear?" Leo blinked in surprise.

"For Percy it is."

"Oh!"

Percy glared at Nico and Leo.

**Lester, however, just laughed. "Wow, look at him go! I'm so proud of him." He cupped his hands around his mouth and cried out. "Fly, you beautiful bird! FLY!"**

"Just fly like an eagle~" Apollo sang, but stopped at the stern look Artemis gave him, "You are seriously not fun."

**"DHUURHHHURURH!" Naruto ambled around and started to walk back towards them.**

**Lester burst into more laughter. "Oh, gods help me, I can't take it! He looks so stupid!"**

**"Who looks so stupid?" The three demigods turned as Toni walked up, decked out in her 'mission' gear with her grey hood down. She looked past them and saw Naruto amble towards them. She glared at Lester. "You didn't take the arrow out of his head!?"**

**"I just got back from taking care of some god's underage kid, sue me for leaving him with two green demigods." the two in question let out an affronted 'hey' "Besides, you have to admit, that is the funniest fucking thing you've ever seen."**

"Oh, big time!" Ares said, still bellowing and holding his gut.

**"No. This is the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen." A knife suddenly buried itself in Lester's knee. The sharpshooter collapsed to the ground and grabbed at the joint.**

**"Fuck! You crazy bitch, that was my knee!"**

**"I know. Same spot the other knife went into. Funny, right?" Toni smirked and walked over to Naruto. **

"Such accuracy."

Apollo glared at the smirking Athena.

**She snapped off the arrowhead and grabbed Naruto's head. "This is going to hurt, but you'll thank me later."**

**Annabeth and Percy turned green as Toni pulled the arrow out of his head slowly. She had to twist and pull simultaneously, and the whole process took about five minutes. Finally, it was done and Naruto had collapsed forward into Toni. A minute or so later and the deranged demigod groaned.**

**"Ugh...my head hurts..." Naruto's eyes squeezed shut. He hummed and nuzzled into Toni's chest with a grin. **

"A boy after my own heart," the lady of doves tittered.

"Such an advantageous position." Leo mock gasped.

"You must capitalize when you can." Frank noted, making Leo nod.

**"Hey Tasky! Have fun while I was out?" A smack knocked Naruto to the ground and he whined as he rubbed the side of his head. "Ow, I just finished healing that!"**

**"I saw your hand reaching up," Toni said dryly.**

**Naruto pouted. "Damn, my ninja skillz failed me."**

"If only he as a true ninja." Piper said in a wistful tone.

**Toni scoffed. "What skills?"**

**Naruto pouted at her. "You're so cruel."**

**Yeah, but that's what we love about her. Side note, we're not done healing yet.**** Kurama informed.**

**"I'm not done healing yet?" Naruto furrowed his brows in confusion. "And where's Yami?"**

**Yami, or what sounded like Yami, decided to speak up. **_**Ygurashmigjsdfoehfjeusndu...**_

"Ah, stupid talk." Artemis said, "I have not heard this in a long time." She said, looking at pollo.

"Hey!"

**"What the hell was that!?" Naruto asked, alarmed. He ignored the concerned looks given to him.**

**Yami.**

_**Delicate flower. Bends under bumblebee's weight. POISON DART TO NECK!**_

"…That. Was. Awesome." Apollo awed.

**Naruto blinked and then gained a look of horror. "Was that a Haiku!?"**

**Yes, and a rather interesting ninja one, too.**** Kurama hummed. ****I don't think it was that good though.**

**Naruto turned to Toni and grabbed her hands. "Toni, love of my life. Stars in my night sky. Thief of my heart. I need you to do something for me."**

"Have wild passionate sex with me, here and now!"

"Aphrodite!" the women of Olympus cried out at the giggle love goddess.

**Toni, a light dusting of pink across her cheeks, blinked. "What?"**

"Still, it seems even Athena's sternest girls can get a melted heart."

Athena just glared at the love goddess.

**"Kill me." Naruto bluntly stated. "I've got a voice repeating Haikus in my head."**

"Hey!" Apollo cried out.

"I agree with him," Artemis nodded.

_**Icy dust of snow. Flows as water into path. BLINDING KICK TO NOSE!**_** Yami recited.**

"That's a good one," Poseidon commented.

**Meh, still not that good.**** Kurama criticized.**

**"Hurry!" Naruto pleaded with a whimper.**

**Toni pulled her hands away. "If it'll keep you in check, I think I might just let you live."**

**Naruto gaped at her. "You cruel woman! It's Haikus! **_**Haikus**_**!"**

"Best way to handle them," Annabeth smirked.

"Dude, evil." Leo shivered.

**"I'll kill him." Lester offered with a grin from where he tended to his reopened knee wound.**

**"Do it!"**

**"You're not killing him," Toni said with a glare.**

**Lester scowled and went back to his knee. "Bitch..."**

**"Cruel, beautiful bitch..." Naruto cried.**

**Toni smirked and pinched his cheek. "You know you love it."**

Hermes and Apollo wolf whistled.

**Point to her.**** Kurama chuckled.**

**"Okay, seriously, can I go home now?" Percy asked, though it sounded more like a plea. His request had all eyes turn to him and he fidgeted slightly. A light flush crossed his face when Toni walked over to him. **

Annabeth gave Percy a small look, making him give a sheepish one back.

**She was gorgeous, like an older version of Annabeth. That thought made his blush darken. **

"Oho! Envisioning the future, Percy Jackson?" Aphrodite asked, getting Percy to get red faced.

Annabeth seemed pleased by this as Toni was amazingly attractive.

**The cold steel eyes that examined him like he was an ant were a bit much for him, though.**

**Toni arched a brow. "This is the famous Percy Jackson?"**

**"He's famous?" Lester asked in disbelief.**

Percy frowned at that.

**"He does have his own book series owned by Disney Hyperion publishing," Naruto said, though his comment was ignored.**

"No one owns me!"

"Except Annabeth." Jason innocently said.

"Dude!"

**Toni scrutinized him for another minute before she snorted. "Idiot."**

"Such a good girl." Athena smiled as Poseidon scowled at his rival.

**"Hey!" Annabeth spoke up before Percy could. "What gives you the right to call him that?"**

**Toni began to list things off with her fingers. "He has no set fighting style, which for him isn't that great considering he's the supposed child of prophecy. Little training with his sword while the rest is instinctual, admittedly not horrible, but more strategy in swordplay never hurt anyone. His fatal flaw could end the world – Don't ask, I read the briefings."**

"…Ow." Percy winced, his pride took a blow to that one.

Annabeth patted his shoulder reassuringly.

**"Briefings?" Naruto asked.**

**Toni rolled her eyes. "Athena has set files for every demigod just in case one turns out like another Ripper."**

**"Ah, to cover for her mistakes, right?" Lester asked. Toni and Annabeth glared at him and he smirked. "Truth hurts."**

"Damn right," Apollo chuckled as Athena glared at him.

**"So does a knife in the ball sack." Toni retorted. Lester's smirk left his face. Toni looked back at Annabeth. "Anyway, his school records are absolute shit. Even compared to normal demigods. His luck is so bad it's like Tyche never bothered to look his name up."**

"She has a point," Percy admitted, scratching the back of his head. Seriously, he'd never met the goddess, ever.

**Toni crossed her arms under her chest. "In short, Percy Jackson is a complete idiot."**

**Annabeth scowled at her and pointed at Naruto. "And what's he, the next Einstein?"**

**Naruto was to slamming his head repeatedly into a tree. "Stop! The! Poe-try! Make! It! End!"**

"That is a compelling argument," Hera begrudgingly admitted to agree with Annabeth.

**"He's crazy, he doesn't count," Toni said with a shrug. **

"Very true," Dionysus nodded.

**She arched a brow at Annabeth's scowl. "You're really tense, have you thought about...?"**

Annabeth's face bloomed red, "What?" she squeaked.

**Annabeth glared at her with red cheeks. "Shut it, Toni!"**

**"You have...but you've never made a move?" Toni tilted her head when Annabeth's scowl became more profound. "Oh, you **_**have**_**. **

Piper whistled, "Wow, Annabeth. You go girl."

"Shut up, Piper!"

**So he **_**is**_** an idiot."**

**"Shut **_**up**_**, Toni!" Annabeth growled.**

"Someone sounds frustrated." Leo grinned, getting a glare from Annabeth.

**Percy looked between the two. "Did I miss something?"**

Everyone in the room laughed at that while Percy ducked his head, Annabeth joining him as their faces were red.

**Toni just smirked. "And that proves my point."**

Thalia wiped a tear from her eye, "Too true."

Annabeth just glared at Thalia.

"It's finally over, let it stay over." Percy begged under his breath.

"I think the universe hates you, man." Jason told him.

Percy just gave a defeated nod.

It was true.

* * *

**And that's the last bit of SOM for now, sad right? Well, enjoy!  
**


	4. Omake

**Disclaimer: I don't own Percy Jackson or Naruto.**

**Let It Go (Rock Cover)**

"Oh no, there's more!" Thalia cried out.

"More psycho Naruto?" Percy panicked.

"Worse." Thalia glowered.

"..What could be worse?" Percy asked her.

"…A musical number." The Hunter hissed.

"…I resent that." Apollo frowned.

**A tall white mountaintop got closer and closer until a speck could be made out. A man with short blond hair and miniature suns in his blue eyes sat peacefully while he played a white piano. **

"…On top of a mountain?" Artemis asked dryly.

"It's dramatically awesome!" Apollo protested.

**He was dressed in a white tee shirt that had a golden Omega on the front underneath a white vest that had a red spiral on the back. Dark jeans covered his legs and black sandals covered his feet. His fingers danced on the keys, unaffected by the snow around him.**

**He opened his mouth and a melody came out. "The snow glows white on the mountain tonight, not a footprint to be seen. A kingdom of isolation and" he smirked sardonically "it looks like, I'm the king."**

"Come Thalia, sing it out."

"Shut up Nico!" Thalia fumed as she did sing out the line. By accident!

**Another blond, this one more like a football player in build, sat a bit away from him rested his hands on either side of his head, which was set between his knees. His head began to nod to an unseen drum. He was dressed in a purple shirt with gold lettering across it, jeans and white tennis shoes. His mouth opened and he continued where the pianist left off. "The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside~"**

"That shirt looks familiar." Jason rubbed his chin.

"Oh, a Roman now?" Reyna asked.

"I'm trying to sing here." Thalia frowned.

"I thought you were reading?"

"…Damn it, Annie! You're supposed to be on my side!"

**"Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I've tried..." A younger blond said, perched higher on the mountain. An orange and black jumpsuit with a dark hood covered him, and strange combat sandals protected his feet.**

"Oooh, there's mine!" Aphrodite tittered while clapping.

"And mine." Athena pointed out, getting a scoff from her fellow goddess.

"Whatever, he's more mine. Deal with it."

The wisdom goddess glared at Aphrodite.

**A teen dressed in dark clothes with a bandana around his mouth looked up at the stars from where he sat on the peak, a faded picture in his hand. "Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the tough guy, you've always had to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know! But now they **_**kno-o-ow**_**!"**

"He's a Cowboy, on a steel horse he rides~!" Apollo sang.

"Wanted." Ares hummed along.

"Hermes continued, "Wanted! Dead or alive!"

Thalia growled, "Stop interrupting me!"

"Not like you sing all that good."

Thalia just gave a murderous glare to the innocently smiling Leo.

**The final blond, who wore a red shirt with a yellow lightning bolt on it, shot to his feet and grinned at the sky. His arms flung out. "Let it go-o-o! Let it go-o-o!" He shook his head and burst into a run around the mountain that kicked up snow. "Can't hold it back anymore!"**

Hermes grinned, "I think I have one now!"

"Yeah, that'd be like Zeus getting one." Hades snorted.

"I could happen." Zeus frowned.

"Ha!" Poseidon laughed, "I would get one first."

Hades smirked, just watching the fireworks.

Thalia continued over Poseidon and Zeus' arguing.

**"Let it go! Let it go-o-o-oh! Turn away and slam the do-o-or!" The pianist sang as the music lifted and a rock beat filled the area.**

**The orange clad blond grinned and hopped to his feet, a bright smile on his face. "I don't care what they're going to sa-a-ay!"**

**"Let the storm rage on!" The teen wearing the purple shirt said as he got to his feet and golden gauntlets covered his arms.**

**The bandana looked ahead at the vast nothingness with hard eyes. "The cold never bothered me anyway."**

"Same for me." Leo nodded, but was kicked by Thalia, "Ow!"

**The orange boy started to rise up into the air. "It's funny how some distance, makes everything seem small."**

"Innuendo."

"Aphrodite, just once…shut up." Artemis palmed her face.

"I make no promises."

**The purple teen clenched his fist and a new peak started to form from beneath the snow. "But the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at al-l-l-l!"**

**The runner came to a stop and looked at the distant mountain before he settled in a pre-run stance. "It's time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through!"**

"Break the sound barrier!" Hermes crowed.

**"No wrong no right, no rules for me-e-e!" The pianist sang as the runner shot off in a blur.**

**"I'm free-e-e!" The group sang, save for the one with the bandana. "Let it go-o! Let it go-o-o!"**

"He must be the socially awkward one." Leo determined.

**The orange flier smiled at an old man's face in the clouds above him. "I'm one with the wind and sky-y-y!"**

Zeus went stiff, wonderful…his grandfather.

**"Let it go-o!" Four of the five blonds sang proudly. Let it go-o-o!"**

"Nice high note." Apollo gave Thalia a thumbs up.

Thalia puffed up her chest at that and continued.

**The last, the one with the bandana climbed to his feet and looked at the picture in his hand. His eyes screwed shut and he crushed the image in his fist. "You'll never see me cry-y-y."**

"Okay, maybe the deep one." Leo corrected himself.

**The purple clad teen glared defiantly at the star filled sky from his personal peak. "And here I stand!"**

**"And here I'll stay-y-y!" The pianist sang with all of his heart.**

**The runner smirked as he ran back to the starting peak as fast as he could. "Let the storm rage o-o-on!"**

**They went quiet as the music picked up. The pianist had a blindingly bright smile on his face while his fingers danced across the keyboard. The flier was in the midst of figure eights, the geokinetic had begun to expand his peak into a larger platform, and the runner ran to every nearby mountain.**

"Ah, geokinetic. Mine." Hades smirked.

"Or he could be mine." Poseidon frowned.

"Ha! Like your children have that level of control."

Poseidon brooded at that.

**"My power flurries through the air into the ground!" the gauntlet-bearing geokinetic said as he slammed his fist into his platform and began to make a small shrine to a trident.**

"You were saying?"

"Oh screw off! Last I check, your children are bad luck." Hades mocked in spit.

"Yeah, thanks for that." Percy frowned, that was a pain to deal with.

"It's not my fault though." Poseidon huffed, stupid mortals. One little earthquake and it's all 'Ah, ah, run away from Neptune'. It was just annoying.

**"My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around!" The pianist and the flier both sang in perfect harmony while the runner's speed kicked up more snowflakes that reflected the hints of an early morning light.**

"Ooh, sparkles." Apollo said dreamily.

"We sure you haven't had something?"

"Hey, that's stuff is for medicinal purposes." Apollo argued at the quirked lip of his twin sister.

**"One thought crystalizes like an icy blast~" The teen with a bandana around his mouth ripped cloth from his face and let it fly off to the wind. "I'm never going back! The past is in the pa-a-ast!"**

**"**_**Let it go-o!"**_** The quintet of blond teens sang. **_**"Let it go-o-o!"**_

**The pianist shook his head and crowed to the sky: "I'll rise like a break of da-a-awn!"**

"Hi me." Apollo waved to the rising run.

Thalia grew more frustrated as she tried to continue her singin-read! She was reading!

**"**_**Let it go-o! Let it go-o-o!"**_

**The temple builder stepped out, an invisible weight off of shoulders as he raised his arms out and proclaimed. "That perfect boy is go-o-one!"**

"Boo, we want perfect!" Aphrodite declared.

"No we don't." Artemis rolled her eyes at the very notion. Perfect boy, ha!

**"And here I stand!" The runner declared from his perch on the very top of the tallest peak, not a bead of sweat on his face despite his constant movement.**

**The flier spun in the air with a grin on his face before he burst into golden flames. "In the light of da-a-ay!"**

"The Human Torch?!" Leo gasped, "That's my shtick!"

Hephaestus coughed into his hand.

"Well, you're too."

**The five clenched their hands into fists and looked defiantly at the sky, a smirk on each of their faces. **_**"Let the storm rage O-O-O-ON!"**_

**The blond biker smirked, his scarred face took in the warmth of the sunlight as the music drew to a close. "The cold never bothered me anyway..."**

"Ooh, lovely scar." The love goddess cooed, getting Ares to fume.

**A hand came down on an alarm clock and a groan escaped the owner. Blond hair lifted from a pillow and the owner yawned tiredly. He then turned to the television, which had a laughing mouse with red shorts on the screen, and glared at it with closed eyes. A few seconds passed before Naruto's purple eyes snapped open and he got up with a hand on his head.**

**"That is the last time I fall asleep to the Disney channel..."**

Thalia threw the book on the ground, "Done." She declared, "No more singing, ever."

"Reading."

"Yes, that."

Artemis smirked, "Still, you have a lovely voice, Thalia."

"Lady Artemis!"

* * *

**Yeah, I forgot about this. Hope you enjoy! **


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: PJO and Naruto don't belong to me.**

**Sound of Madness**

**D-Generation X - The Kings**

"Oh god...Kill me." Percy whimpered as the despised book reappeared in his lap. Ares slowly drew his broadsword and a grin spread across his face.

"No." Hera warned her son. Ares scowled and willed his sword away.

"But he asked for it!"

"Ares." Poseidon glared at the God of War.

"Tch, fine!" Ares huffed and folded his arms. "See if I do anything nice for another decade."

Jason, being the brave hero that he was, took the book from his cousin. Percy glared at the leather-bound novel like it just insulted his mother. Frankly, he wouldn't be surprised if it did.

"It's not going to bite, you know." Annabeth gently nudged her boyfriend with a smile on her face.

"This one might…" Percy grumbled.

**The five demigods walked back to the car Toni had used to get to Central Park.**

**While Percy complained in what he thought was hushed tones about his night to Annabeth, Naruto moped for two reasons. The first, he had been denied the rights to the car he appropriated earlier. Toni said it was too much of a liability, what with the cops that were undoubtedly hovering around it by that point. So he was forced to leave the keys with a dead demigod at the Kronos camp.**

"Well, there goes the chop shop cash he could have scored." Hermes shook his head. "Kids today don't think about things like that..."

**The other reason Naruto was moping was due to Yami **_**still**_** reciting Haikus.**

_**My world became dark. The stranger passed the candle. I'm always grateful.**_

"**Make it stop..." Naruto whined as he clutched at his head. He pounded the palms of his hands against his head. "Shut him up!"**

**Hey, it could be worse. Kurama consoled.**

"**How could it be worse than this?" Naruto asked heatedly.**

**The poetry could've saved your life.**

"It _can_ do that!" Apollo proclaimed proudly.

**Naruto's eyes went wide in terror. "I'd have killed myself if that happened..."**

"See if I ever help you, you ungrateful, uncultured brat." Apollo scowled and crossed his arms.

"**Who's he talking to?" Annabeth asked the older daughter of Athena.**

"**Most likely a voice in his head," Toni said nonchalantly. Both Percy and Annabeth shivered at the casual tone she had. She frowned. "I thought those went away?"**

"**They must've come back after I shot him point blank in the forehead," Lester said. Toni rounded on him with steel eyes and a scowl on her face. Lester pursed his lips and hummed. "Hm, probably shouldn't have mentioned that."**

"**You shot him in the head?!" Toni snarled as she began to punch his arm. "Don't you remember how long it took to get rid of the voice he called 'Bubbles'? How much money it cost us on missions?"**

"What a greedy girl." Demeter huffed. "She should be grateful for the life she has now, and keep her diet healthy. Perhaps get away from this child of Dionysus that has her wrapped around his finger."

"_Non!_" Aphrodite protested with a smile. "She followed him! Such lovely notions, to dive headfirst into madness for the person you love! Oh, it's like Percabeth all over again."

"Only this time, a lot crazier," Percy said dryly. Annabeth rubbed her chin.

"I don't know, I think Tori might've gotten the better deal in this one," she muttered. Percy looked at her quizzically and Annabeth smirked. "He doesn't suffer from a seaweed brain like you do, Seaweed Brain."

"...Yeah, but he's _crazy_." Percy deadpanned.

"That's not a bad thing, Peter Jenner," Dionysus said with a scoff. He arched a brow when incredulous looks were sent his way. "What? The maenads _blessed_ my son! How many of your fanatical nymph-followers blessed your children?"

The rest of the Olympians looked away from him with shaking heads. Trust the God of Madness to have a skewed view on the situation.

**Lester flinched away and rubbed his arm. "He kept getting my name wrong! It was annoying!" He looked at the darkened spot on his arm. "Damn, girl, first my knee and now my arm?"**

**Toni glared at him. "You're paying for the therapy...and all the therapist's therapy."**

"Maybe we should send someone to help Chiron in that regard," Apollo said with a thoughtful stroke of his chin. "I can't, gotta drive the sun and all...Ace might, but-"

"Ugh, no! The last thing I need is your damnable _favorite_ playing shrink with me or my children again," Dionysus said with a groan. He shivered. "So much therapy. Too much talking, not enough partying."

"**Oh, that's bullshit!"**

**While Toni and Lester argued about dealing with the voices that were bothering Naruto, Percy rubbed his head and groaned softly to Annabeth. "I just want to go home and pretend this night didn't happen."**

**Toni rounded on him, her eyes narrowed and her hands on her hips. "It happened. You killed people. Get over it!"**

"**Don't act so superior! You were holed up in the cabin for a week after you went on that first 'quest' with the...Naruto," Annabeth said as she glared at her cabin mate.**

"_The Naruto._ Coming to theaters near you!" Leo pointed at Piper's nose. She batted his hand away with an amused smile.

"Meh, I'd see it." Apollo shrugged and then frowned. "Well, only if it was about the ninja Naruto. Not this one. And there had to be no BS romance plot points...Like a magic scarf or something."

"**What were you going to say? The Rejected Runaways? The Damned Demigods?" Toni asked with a glare. Annabeth held her tongue and Toni scowled at her. "I joined the Exiles –"**

"**Time out!" Time slowed and Naruto looked sadly at his readers. "For you Marvel fans out there, no, we don't have a sassy-slash-cute Blink to work with-slash-ogle at. Heartbreaking, isn't it? Believe me, I know. Time in!"**

"Did he just pull a Kronos?" Percy asked, green eyes wide with worry.

"I'm still trying to determine what he's even rambling about." Reyna frowned.

"...I cannot tell you just how happy I am _not_ to be Roman," Leo said with a shake of his head.

**Time sped up and Naruto looked back at Toni as she continued. "– Because I saw that demigods weren't perfect, just like the gods that sired us."**

"...Oooh..." Artemis gave her twin a dry look for his dead-on impersonation of a studio audience.

"She's talking about you, too."

"I know." Apollo grinned. "It still had to be done."

**The sky boomed and she rolled her eyes. "See? A perfect being wouldn't get miffed if they were dissed."**

**Naruto frowned. "Or punish someone by taking away their ramen...the bastard." He was struck by a bolt of lightning and coughed up smoke.**

"Try not to fry him _too_ badly," Dionysus said, frowning at his father. "I happen to like this one."

"Please! As you said, he's been blessed with a stronger healing factor than Poseidon's whelp," Zeus said with a scoff. The king ignored his brother's annoyed glare and continued undeterred. "As far as I'm concerned, it's open season."

"Best kind of season." Ares grinned widely. Artemis begrudgingly agreed with him via a nod.

**Naruto shook the blackened skin off and glared at the sky. "You act like you enjoy being compared or related to the old jackass! Make up your damn mind!"**

**The sky had no response for that and Naruto smirked. Victory was his and it tasted sweet. Like candy. He frowned when he heard Yami clear its throat.**

_**Victory comes fast. The sky has no retort. Insanity rocks.**_

"**...Okay, I kind of liked that one." Naruto mumbled, his grin spreading widely.**

"Of course he would." Everyone, save Dionysus, rolled their eyes.

"Truth." The God of Wine nodded in agreement with his son. Dionysus ignored Apollo's frown. Just because he was the god of truths didn't mean he had claim over who did or didn't use the term.

**Kurama chuckled. It **_**was**_** pretty clever.**

"**Yeah, but if you didn't like it why not stay at camp? Couldn't you have changed things from there?" Annabeth retorted, both children of wisdom ignoring the insane demigod.**

**Toni rolled her eyes. "You mean **_**not**_** kill other demigods? And how exactly did you plan to beat Luke's likeminded allies? **_**Talk**_** them out of it?"**

"**Hey! I'm the only one with access to the Talk no Jutsu, dammit! It's my origin character's trope!" Naruto cut in with a scowl.**

"You know, he's right." Apollo agreed. "The stuff he gets away with only using words is bullshit."

"He must inherently have charmspeak." Aphrodite tittered excitedly.

"That ...makes perfect sense." Apollo nodded in approval. "That's my headcanon. Now and forever."

**Ignoring the indignant idiot ("Oh, that's hurtful..." Naruto gave a wounded pout.), Annabeth grimaced. "No...but there's a jail system for a reason."**

"**Hiding behind the flawed justice systems. Typical." Toni snorted. She crossed her arms over her chest. "Tell me, Annabeth. What is a crime? A direct offense to you? Or is it to the public? Or perhaps a slight to the gods?"**

**The sky boomed again.**

"Seriously, always with the booms." Percy groaned. "It's so annoying..."

Zeus glared at him, but said nothing lest he incriminate himself.

**Percy looked at Lester, who rubbed his head as he grunted.**

"**That's getting annoying. Think he can stop with the sound effects?" The son of Apollo asked.**

**Percy looked past Lester to Naruto, who held a sheet of metal and a simple workman's hammer. The mad demigod placed a finger over his lips and held the sheet up behind Lester's head. Percy clamped his hands over his ears and Naruto wailed the hammer against the metal. Lester went rigid and then crumpled to the ground, twitching occasionally.**

"**There, now the ringing can cover up the thunder!" Naruto beamed at his solution while his 'friend' (and the term is used loosely) suffered at his feet. He tossed the sheet and hammer away before he grinned at the sky. "See!? I'm a good person! ...GIVE ME MY NOODLES BACK DAMMIT!"**

"Sellout!" Leo jeered.

"Burn the sellout!" Ares whooped.

"No." Hera drawled.

"Aw, but he'd scream real loud! Plus, if it's _Greek_ fire, he'd burn forever with that healing of his!" Ares explained gleefully.

"You have far too much time on your hands if you're able to think up such crazed nonsense." Athena murmured in disgust.

"Please." Ares snorted. "As if you'd not had ideas like that to inflict on Prissy."

Athena remained stoic and said nothing.

Percy paled slightly and gulped.

"**Naruto, knock it off." Toni sighed and frowned at the new counselor. "Once Lester's back on his feet, tell him to drive you guys back to camp."**

"**Why can't you?" Annabeth asked with a frown.**

"**I have another priority at the moment." Toni replied coolly.**

**Naruto popped up beside her with his hand above his head. "Oo! Oo! Is it me? Tell me it's me!"**

**The four demigods gave him a dry look.**

**Naruto grinned. "That's not a no~!"**

_**You want to hit snooze, you think there's nothing better, there's no fucking way.**_** Yami wisely advised.**

**I agree with him.**

**Naruto's grin fell and he held his head as a look of horror dawned on his face. "Oh, gods, the Haikus...It's like part of my brain was cursed by a drunk Apollo!"**

"Please, they're just as bad when he's _not_ drunk." Artemis laughed a little to herself. Apollo scowled at his twin.

"Are you proud of yourself? Do you feel all empowered now?"

"Yes. Your pain does so."

"I'll remember that when you need _my_ help with something."

**Lester – who'd healed rather quickly after the cartoon-esque damage dealt to him – snorted and crossed his arms. "Maybe it was. Maybe he was miffed that you kept getting my name wrong."**

"**Shush, Lana." Naruto held his finger out at Lester. "The voices speak to me."**

_**Victory is ours, when insanity takes hold, shining finger burns.**_

**...Okay, yeah, even I didn't understand that one. And I'm **_**half**_** of your mind. Kurama noted, stumped.**

"The sun always rises in the East!" Apollo proclaimed as he gained a long white beard, puffy white eyebrows and a stereotypical wushu master outfit.

"And sets in the West!" Leo, Percy, and Frank punched the air..

"...Is this another reference?" Hazel asked her boyfriend and friends.

"...You haven't shown her G Gundam!?" Apollo asked Frank incredulously. "It was a classic!"

"We've been a bit preoccupied!" Frank protested, gesturing to Jason as the boy drummed his fingers on the book patiently.

"Ah." Apollo reverted to his preferred appearance instantly. "Carry on."

"**I highly doubt that even the loser writing this knew what the hell he was talking about. That or he was listening to some J-Pop again," Naruto said with a nod of agreement.**

"J-Pop?" Thalia blanched. "Gag me."

"I would!" Aphrodite snarked, smiling beautifully when Artemis glared at her for the threat.

**He looked around and frowned when he noticed that no one remained behind with him in the woods. "Aw, dammit. The haiku was a distraction!"**

**That would explain the poor haiku. Now, there must be a reason for it. Kurama hummed. Perhaps the author is going to show off how badass we are! Be ready for an ambush!**

"**Psh, we **_**know **_**we're badass," Naruto said with a scoff. He rubbed his chin and snapped his fingers. "Maybe we'll get to meet a goddess that wants to make us her sex toy!"**

"…Nope," Aphrodite said with a shake of her head. "I'm not touching that much crazy. No matter how much fun it would be in other scenarios."

"I don't believe it," Artemis said with a smirk. "You have standards?"

"Well, not all of us can spend our nights with a harem of young girls," Aphrodite said with a smirk of her own sent back at the Huntress.

Artemis' smirk had fallen and she tightly gripped her bow, but the stern glare from her father kept her arrows in the proverbial quiver.

**Doubt it. Knowing our luck, it would be Athena who shows up. No sexy time there.**

"**True...Yami, any input?" Naruto asked the white box that appeared overhead.**

_**Allies yet to be, visit with warning from afar, Cable has arrived!**_** Yami declared.**

**Naruto puzzled over this haiku for a moment before he grinned insanely. "Wait, Cable? Not Time Warner, but the Capital C bad boy?! Yes! My buddy from the future is here!"**

**He turned around when a bright light started to flicker into existence behind him. Naruto's eyes shone happily as a man stepped out. The man was built like a tank, and part of his body looked like one, too. The right side of his body was like it had been made of coiled bronze, while the left had a tanned complexion. Curly dark hair sprouted from his head, and while one eye was solid bronze, the other was like a dark almond.**

"It's Cable!" Leo swooned.

"Who?" Reyna and Hazel asked.

"Muthafucking Cable!"

"Leo Valdez!" Hestia glared at the boy.

"Sorry," Leo said sheepishly. "B-But that's how you say it! You have to say it like that!"

"No excuses!" The goddess frowned at Leo and he ducked his head in shame.

"**Sammy!" Naruto greeted the newcomer with a perfectly executed flying glomp. The tall half-bronze man grunted and stumbled back before he looked down to see the blond hanging from his torso, his arms and legs wrapped around his body, the mad demigod grinning up at him. "Didja bring me a present?! Ooh, ooh, is it Deadpool starring Ryan Reynolds?"**

"I think that'd be a _Meh_ movie." Ares grunted.

"Meh!?" Apollo exclaimed in outrage. "You know not of the greatness of RR!"

"Didn't he do that shitty super hero movie? What was it...The one with the crappy CGI?" Ares pondered.

"Hey, _Green Lantern_ wasn't Ryan's fault-!"

"No, the _other_ one. The one with the bad guy from_ Demolition Man_," Ares said. Apollo's argument died then and there as a wince came across his face.

"Oh..._Blade Trinity_," he said with a grimace. "Yeah."

"I dunno, I thought Ryan was pretty okay in that needless _Origins_ film until his mouth was sewn shut." Hermes offered.

"Reminded me of Apollo after the first time he had original Classic Coke with added nectar," Hephaestus said, a crooked smile on his face. Apollo's face shone brightly as his twin laughed uproariously at the memory.

"You swore never to speak of that again!"

"Not on the Styx."

"You-!"

"Enough!" Zeus' order boomed around the room. He looked at his sons, eyes narrowed as they quieted. "Let us finish this mockery of a tale."

**Naruto turned to the audience as the time slowed once more. "Which, by the way, is available on Blu-ray for a wonderfully cheap price of $19.99 at Amazon dot com! Gotta love those daughters of Ares."**

"That we do." Reyna smiled brightly as she thought about her sister.

Percy rubbed the back of his neck. "Speak for yourself."

**Time sped up when Naruto looked back up at his friend gleefully.**

"**Naruto. Get off of me." The man, Sammy, pushed his hand against Naruto's head. He shoved the blond psychopath off of him with his bronze arm.**

**Naruto landed on the ground with a grunt of his own and rubbed his backside. "Ow. Geez, Tin Man, you're **_**so**_** rude!" He blinked and snapped his fingers. "Oh, wait! Intro time! Yea-ah!"**

**Time once more slowed down and the deranged demigod hopped to his feet. Naruto dusted himself off, which oddly kicked up enough dust to conceal his form. When the dust dissipated, Naruto was dressed in the classical referee attire with a black bowtie. He reached up and pulled down a microphone from off panel.**

"**L-l-ladies and gentlemen, gods of **_**all**_** pantheons! Behold, the future hero of humanity: Samuel L. J. Val-dez!"**

"Say _what_?" The gathered demigods' jaws dropped and their eyes widened. They turned to Jason, and he reread the line. He looked up and eyes went to Leo, who was grinning up a storm.

"Heh, my kid's name kind of sounds like Sam L. Jackson..." Leo chuckled. Then it clicked for him and his eyes went wide. "Hold up, _my_ kid is Cable?!"

"Or your descendant is." Annabeth added.

"What_ever_!" Leo's eyes were lit up and a broad smile was on his face. He jumped up and started doing a victory dance. "Cable is my kid! Cable is my kid! Cable is my kid!"

**Sammy's color came back into view, but he did not unfreeze. "Weighing in at over five hundred pounds, this son of a Titaness and demigod from the boyaka-boyaka six-one-nine stands at a **_**whopping**_** six foot nine! Due to complications at birth as a result of his parents coupling–" Naruto cut himself off and waggled his brows, "which was a very **_**steamy**_** coupling, mind you**

Leo's victory dance stopped abruptly.

"How does he know that?" He asked softly, horror dawning over his features.

"He is a Deadpool knock-off." Piper offered. She shrugged. "He time traveled and stumbled across it maybe?"

"While that would be interesting to discuss," Leo said, unaware of the angered look on the Gods' faces. "Some things are private for a reason."

– **Sammy's right side is covered from head to toe in Valdezium, a material created by chemical mixture that had a base of Celestial Bronze.**

"I shoot and I score that three-point shot!" Leo cheered, his horror and unease forgotten. "I make a new metal!"

Hephaestus let out a hum of interest.

**He is capable of mimicking telekinetic and telepathic abilities thanks to his insane attunement towards technology. He even managed to program my VCR's clock! A feat many have not been able to do."**

"Thing's fucking impossible to program." Ares nodded in agreement. "Mine still blinks 12:00, all the time."

"I could fix it." Hephaestus offered, smirking.

"Yeah, and have me in your debt? Screw that noise, Crip." Ares scoffed.

"**Furthermore, Sammy here is impervious to **_**all**_** mortal weapons. Trust me, I've tried to kill him before and he's nearly successfully done me in. Twice!" Naruto tugged on the microphone and it shot off screen before his clothes reverted to normal. "That's aside from the real juicy point. Not only is Sammy a cyborg that should not exist due to parentage, but he's also a – wait for it – time traveller!**

"I thought we banned time travel? Where's Chronos on this?" Zeus scowled, appalled at the thought of a mortal abusing the domain of Time for their enjoyment.

"It technically also falls under the Fates' rule, and they act as they see fit," Athena said blandly.

Zeus sighed and rubbed his head. "Of course they do."

**That's right, folks, you heard it here! This guy is the Cable to my Deadpool, not Princely Johnson like you all thought. In your face! Or would you rather **_**on**_** your face? Hehehe, get it? Orgasm jokes!"**

"Man, this comedy is going straight to the gutter." Jason muttered after he read that last line.

"Crude humor is best humor at times." Leo protested.

"Meh."

"I meh your meh!"

"You can't meh my meh!"

"I just did! Stamped it, no erasies!"

Jason blinked, baffled at Leo's expectant look. The son of Hephaestus then looked at Piper, almost annoyed.

"Fix. Your. Boyfriend." He ordered.

"I'll get him all caught up in Jim Carrey's genius, Leo. Don't worry," Piper said. She gave Jason her own annoyed look. "I can't believe you don't know what _Dumb and Dumber _is."

"...That sounds like a stupid mo-mph!?" Jason's hands frantically went to his face as his mouth suddenly sealed shut.

"Blasphemous heathen cur! You'd get worse if not for Hera's favor!" Apollo snarled, before he looked evenly at the angered glare sent his way by the Queen. "He will get it back after this chapter is over."

"You tread on thin ice, Apollo." Hera warned. Apollo crossed his arms and firmly defended his stance.

"It is a _crime_ to not see the film. You don't have to like it, but you _must_ see it."

"I can't believe I'm going to say this, but...He's right," Artemis said with a drawn out sigh. "It's one of the few films my Hunters and I enjoy."

"We really should see the sequel," Thalia said idly, not as annoyed as most would think since she agreed with her patron goddess. She took the book from Jason's hands and grimaced. "I'll pick it up from here, but I won't read it again."

"That's fine, so long as we can continue." Zeus muttered impatiently.

**I think they get the point. Kurama drawled. You should unfreeze time and get on with the plot before the author gets tired of writing you again.**

**Naruto scowled and looked at the white box. "Shut up, you. No one can get tired of Deadpool knock-offs! There's a movie!" Naruto leaned in and gave two thumbs up. "Props to Apollo. R-rating is the way to go for the DP movie! That trailer shown at Comic-Con? That shit was awe-to-the-some! I mean, damn, that kill shot and X!? Oh, so good!"**

**Time resumed and Naruto quickly leaned away from the time traveller with his hands behind his back. "So, Valdez, what brings you to the 'stupid ages'?"**

"**I am not here of my own choice, Naruto." Sam returned with a frown. He thrust his flesh finger at the blond. "Your antics are altering history. Again."**

"Why haven't the Fates killed him already?" Athena wondered aloud. "I'm getting a headache coming from just _listening_ to this garbage second hand."

"Which one should they kill?" Ares asked in amusement. "The idealistic time traveller or the Insane Idiot?"

"**...Wait, what I do this time? I've been accepting jobs, keeping low off the radar!" Naruto argued. He thrust a finger back at Sam dramatically. "Like **_**you**_** told me to!"**

**Sam crossed his arms and scowled. "Two weeks ago, you plugged an arms dealer in the middle of the New York Interstate."**

"**Yeah, so?"**

"**He was going to die on that day...from a heart attack."**

"Well," Hermes shrugged. "At least he died with dignity... and a third nostril."

"Gotta love them third nostrils," Apollo said with a nod.

**Naruto smirked and crossed his arms. "Ha! So that means I did good! I killed him before he was supposed to die! Saved **_**billions**_**!" He made a frame with his hands. "I can see it now: **_**Savior of the World, Naruto Uzumaki!**_

Percy squinted. "Nah, it's missing a P and a J."

"We get it, you saved the world." Annabeth rolled her eyes. She gestured to the other demigods, who glowered in annoyance at the son of Poseidon – especially Jason, who was kind of put out since he'd lost his ability to speak. "So did all of us."

"But I did it twice!"

"Big whoop, want to fight about it?" Ares asked, smirking.

"No." Poseidon and Zeus shot their sons down before they could even get into their rivalry.

**Bet'cha I got myself a museum and everything, too! Not to mention all the fine tit-tays I'll be swarmed with... Score for the Naru-Pool, and Tasky can't, or better yet, **_**probably**_** won't argue against it! Boo-yaka!"**

**The fantasy that started to play out in Naruto's mind made his eyes become unfocused, his hands reach up to grope the air, and a dumb smile to spread across his face. Sam watched this with a mild frown on his face before he sighed. His bronze arm lifted up and came down on top of the deranged demigod's head. Naruto let out a dazed groan from where he was on the ground while Sam glared at him.**

"**Your 'team' not only cost the state of New York **_**millions**_** of dollars in repairs due to your dual assault on White, but you prevented White's illegal actions from being discovered post his natural demise by **_**actual**_** cops that would be investigating his successor."**

"Well, that's going to be a problem." Annabeth rubbed at her eyes and groaned. "Something tells me that we'll be involved somehow."

"Aw man…" Percy's head flopped back onto the couch.

**The time traveller explained slowly. "That means that **_**all**_** of his partners in crime and business can't create plausible deniability since his death at an assassin's hands means that all of his work related issues will be closely looked into. Which means a lot of good done to cover their small dark work is erased from the timeline!"**

"**Wait, but I stopped his successor from starting up, right? Isn't that good?" Naruto asked.**

"**You stupid idiot–"**

**That's a redundant statement. Kurama interjected with a hint of amusement.**

"He does have a point," Dionysus said with a quirked smirk.

Athena sighed. "Indeed."

"–**Time is not a pool to swim in! Time travel is only a two-way street without any turn offs. Destiny can be changed,**

"I think the Fates would disagree with that." Zeus sniffed.

"Of course you do," Hades said dryly.

**but time cannot! You altered our timeline.! **_**Again**_**! After I told you not to!" Sam raged. He pointed over at the Empire State Building. "Now **_**they**_** are going to have to deal with the return of a very ancient enemy that **_**was**_** supposed to remain asleep during all of this!"**

"Which one? Gaea? She's already coming, dude," Percy said.

"It could be some other monster." Reyna pointed out.

"What else is there?!"

"A lot." Annabeth told her boyfriend.

"Ugh, how many more do I have to kill…?"

"**Bring it on!" Naruto grinned. "We can take on the Sandman! He was such a puss in **_**Spider-Man 3: Birth of Tobey McCrier**_**!"**

"**You won't be apart of it, dumbass!" Sam snarled. He grabbed Naruto by the collar and shook him. "Pay attention, dammit! Two days from now, you **_**die**_** facing off against Kronos' Army!"**

"That blows." Leo summed up.

"Tough break," Percy said mockingly. At the small looks of surprise he shrugged. "What? I don't like this story, I'm not invested in it. I don't care if this Naruto gets axed."

"Wow, that's cold, Percy." Thalia chided.

"Oh, so you _do_ like this one? Funny, I thought you only liked the one where he's your hands-on boyfriend," Percy said, annoyed at what he deemed hypocritical, since Thalia was so reluctant to read after she was forced to sing.

Thalia bristled at the jab and her eyes sparked.

"No fighting!" Annabeth cut in before her boyfriend and friend could get into another argument or fight. She leveled a look at Percy and he winced. He was in trouble and was going to get it later.

Glad that she wasn't going to see her cousin and boyfriend get into another altercation, verbal or otherwise, Annabeth looked back at Thalia.

"Thalia..."

"Yeah, yeah..." Thalia grumbled and returned her attention to the book.

**Ohh...We done fucked up. Kurama muttered.**

_**Yep! We're boned!**_

"**Oh, hey, you sound better." Naruto noted as he turned to look at the white box of italicized Greek text that appeared to his right. "Feel poetic, Yami?"**

"**Naruto, stop ignoring me and focus!" Sam barked as he shook the son of Dionysus. He released the shorter teen and glared at him. "Despite how you act, how deplorable of a psycho you are–"**

_**You know something...I-I think he's confessing to us!**_

**Whoa! Hey! I am **_**not**_** prepared to be his sempai! I need time to think about this sort of thing!**

"**Look, Sammy, I like you, too, but, I'm straight (mostly) and spoken for. I mean, yes, I know that won't matter in a few days, but you're a good guy. You deserve happiness." Naruto clapped a hand on the half-machine's shoulder. "You need to move on. Just... promise me that you'll name your first adopted child after **_**me**_**. I'll even babysit for you, but it'll cost ya!"**

**Sam's eye twitched. "Naruto, I'm not gay for you."**

Dionysus wrinkled his nose. "He doesn't have to be so _rude_ about it."

"As long as he isn't my Sempai, I'm good." Percy quipped.

"I think he is." Piper pointed out in amusement while Jason smirked alongside her.

"Not funny, Piper." Annabeth scowled while Percy blanched.

"**Good! That's progress! A little fast to admit, so I think there's **_**some**_** denial, but-!"**

"**I'm not **_**gay**_**!" Sam snarled. "Stop interrupting me and pay attention for one goddamn second!"**

"**...Alright, but I still think someone's floating on a sinking ship in the river called De Nile~!" Naruto sang. He was cut off as the bronzed hand grabbed him by the throat. "Urk! Whoa, right for the kill, huh? Starting to make this comedy into a tragedy with each passing second."**

"Personally, I don't think it would be a real tragedy." Thalia dryly noted.

_**Ooh, almost like the Deadpool movie did.**_

**Is it me, or does it feel like a year's passed since this document has been updated?**

"**Yeah...Loser saw the movie...not even bothering to change the jokes at the start...fucker's going to destroy...continuity...!"**

"Psh, continuity? Like we care about that in fiction." Apollo laughed sarcastically and waved his hand. "Just retcon it!"

**Naruto choked out while he clawed at the hand restricting his throat.**

"**Stop babbling nonsense! You need to come with me and..." Cable-er, Sam's voice became akin to white noise as Naruto tuned out of the heroic monologue.**

_**Seriously, even the video game wouldn't let the hero monologue! Hell, even the movie-Oh, fuck yeah, the moment when Colossus tries to teach Deadpool to be good! Ha! Shame the studio wouldn't cough more cash up for more X-men.**_

"_Spoilers_!" Apollo spat in outrage. "It's still getting approved by the company!"

**Bastards believed it wouldn't go anywhere, and Reynolds even made cracks about his past career! ...Can I for one just say it's **_**awesome**_** that the Loser is letting us have this knowledge without having to wait for the real thing?**

"**Hell...Yeah..." Naruto reached down and grabbed the handle of the handgun that was at Sam's hip. He waited for Sam to be lost in descriptive monologue, which didn't take long, before he pulled the gun out, put it under his jaw and – **_**click**_**.**

_**OH COME ON!**_** Naruto, Yami and Kurama took that moment to glare at the loser writing his story's late, late, late and so **_**very**_** anticipated chapter. The Author in question shrugged, as if to say, "I'm not apologizing."**

"Hm..." Hermes sniffed the air. "I smell a rip-off!"

"Sorry." Ares grinned.

Hermes stuck out his tongue in disgust. "Oh, Us."

Hera just took a deep breath to withhold voicing her shame. She would only be giving Ares what he wanted if she reacted.

**We'd better get to kill something soon. Kurama growled as Sam continued his monologue, which spoke of space battles with the gods and dark gods like Cthulhu and other Lovecraftian lore.**

"Dribble." Zeus sneered.

"I don't know, there were the rituals and all that going on around the world." Hades mused.

"Spare us your conspiracy theories, Hades." Hermes pleaded. He used to have to suffer through it all the time when he made direct drops.

**Naruto dropped the handgun and put his face in his hands since he was forced to listen to Sam's monologue.**

**It was like being forced to listen to William Hung for ten hours straight and then being force to watch Two Girls, One Cup with your eyes taped open.**

_**Yeah, otherwise-Hey, what's that?**_** Yami asked.**

**Wha-Oh my Christian Slater! Look! Below us! It's a scene break!**

_**Yes! Scene changes for the fucking win!**_** Yami cheered.**

"…I must ask, _why_ are we reading this?" Reyna asked, perplexed and somewhat offended.

"Because the Fates are cruel?" Leo suggested.

"It would seem so."

"**Worst. Time Skip. Ever." Naruto grumbled sourly, his arms crossed while he was bunched in between Percy and Annabeth in the back of an SUV. "Stupid fucking loser...going off to write about that stupid anime awesomeness that won't be a thing in this world and leaving me to rot, not even explaining where Sammy went or what he wants us to do...I want my screen time dammit!"**

**Should've known it was too good to be true. Kurama sighed.**

_**Hey, but look at how well Angel-hair filled out! Least we have some good eye-candy...and finger candy. Ring-pop is still in our 'secret pouch'.**_

"**I'm saving that for later. But you're onto something, Yami. She **_**is**_** starting to look like Tasky." Naruto scrutinized Annabeth with narrowed eyes and a hand on his chin. "I don't know what's missing though..."**

"Please do not talk about me." Annabeth pleaded, now uncomfortable with the book.

Percy's eye twitched and his arm tightened protective/possessively around Annabeth.

"**Hey, uh, Naruto. Can you, um, back off?" Annabeth asked, uncomfortable with his proximity to her person. Naruto furrowed his brows further, his mask's white eyes narrowed even more as his face was centimeters from hers.**

**Hey, d'you know who she looks like?**

"**Athena." Naruto muttered,**

"A genius in the making, Dionysus." Athena drawled.

The wine god gave her a withering glare.

**all the while still scrutinizing Annabeth. His concealed eyes drifted down from her face for a brief moment. Nope. Those were close to Toni's at that age. Maybe there was a sensitivity difference or something...**

_**Don't touch, just look! She's the heroine of Percy's book.**_

"I am not a book," Percy said indignantly. "That would be boring."

"So what? You'd want to be a movie." Apollo asked, intrigued by the idea.

"If they do it right? Sure."

"**Right." Naruto conceded to Yami's point and backed away. It was Percy's job to corrupt Annabeth with sex. **_**Then**_** she was free game. After all, a few drinks between friends meant for a happy threesome! ...Or orgy!**

"Hoopla!" Aphrodite grinned.

"Now I feel like I need to shower…" Piper muttered as she rubbed her head. Jason patted her shoulder consolingly.

_**Icha-Icha be praised!**_** Yami proclaimed**

**Hail! Kurama agreed. But seriously, you know who she reminds me of?**

"**Considering you've only existed for about, oh, three, maybe four days, give or take a few years of inactivity, no, no I don't." Naruto mumbled while he began examining Annabeth's hat, having swiped it and gotten bored of creeping the younger girl out. He snorted and looked at Annabeth as he tossed the cap back to her. "Don't you have **_**any**_** loyalty, Magnus? Yankee's **_**suck**_**. Red Sox for the win."**

"How does he know that name?!" Annabeth asked in alarm.

Percy looked at her oddly. "...So, now I get the feeling that I should ask who-"

"Cousin on Dad's side." Annabeth muttered, half distracted. She pursed her lips in worry. "One we haven't heard from in a while..."

"Ah." Percy nodded.

"**Blasphemy!" Both Annabeth and Toni snarled.**

"Break his legs." Annabeth and Percy scowled as they recalled the protagonist's insult to the former's favorite baseball team.

"**Hey! Drive! Yell at your boy toy later!" Lester snapped, his hands on the dash.**

"**Shut **_**up**_**, Lester!"**

"**Then focus on the road, Toni!"**

"**I like yelling, too!" Naruto suddenly announced, popping up between his two fellow seniors. He pointed ahead of them. "Hey, I know that guy!"**

**Toni slammed on the breaks when she turned her attention forward, just in time for the hood of the car to be impaled by a Bronze axe.**

"I'd believe that." Frank muttered.

"Conflict? Yeah conflict!" Ares whooped.

**The wielder of the axe was an eight-foot-tall giant, with gnarly black hair and a thick bushy beard. He had on a pair of yellow Shutter Shades, a forcibly sleeveless purple shirt that had a beefy man posing on it, and tight lightly hued jeans that strained around his legs.**

"**...I knew it was too good to be true..." Naruto muttered. He sniffled and rubbed at his eye. "Macho Man Randy Savage. You live on. But...Dammit, you're a bad guy!"**

"He was a bad guy when he was alive, too." Ares grinned. "Oh yeah."

"**That's not Randy Savage, Naruto!" Lester snapped. "Get us out of here, Toni!"**

"**He cut the engine!"**

"**This calls for an epic fight scene!" Naruto declared. He looked over his shoulder at Percy. "Boy Bubbler, stay here and protect mini-Toni. Lion-o, you're with me!"**

"ThunderCats, ho!" Leo cried out, getting some looks. "Seriously? Come on! I set that up flawlessly!"

"Could have been better." Thalia muttered.

"**Swear to god, one day I will kill you." Lester grumbled as he hurriedly got out of the car.**

"**Be happy, dude, Apollo gets your name when Zeus punishes him," Naruto said as he clambered out in a much more casual manner. Seated in the passenger's seat, time slowed again and he turned to the readers. "Oops! Spoilers."**

"Hold it! Pause! Time _out_!" Apollo cried out in alarm. He turned to the King with wide, horrified eyes. "You're going to _what_?"

"Hm? Oh, nothing." Zeus smirked at his son's fear.

"Liar!" Apollo pointed furiously at Zeus. "You said I'd never have to go through that again!"

"To be perfectly frank, Apollo, I never swore it on the Styx."

"...Dammit." Apollo whimpered.

"**Naruto, just get out!" Toni shoved Naruto out of the open door when time resumed. Naruto landed face first on the asphalt, groaning as he got to his feet and immediately had to avoid being turned into sliced bread when the giant's axe came down on him.**

"**Uzumaki!" The giant growled. "You insult me and my father, betrayed our glorious leader and have the audacity to ride around with my beloved."**

**Time, once again, slowed as Naruto turned to the audience.**

"**Okay, yeah, backstory time. Since apparently we don't have the budget for **_**another**_** flashback." Here, Naruto pointedly glared off-panel. "Lazy good for nothin-...Anyway. The Cream of the Crop over there is Almops, son of Poseidon, side of the Gigantes...Wait."**

**Here, Naruto blinked and pulled out his i-Phone. He went to Wikipedia,**

Athena looked on in distaste. "He actually trusts that site? But it's wrong! It always is."

"Actually, they've started to clean it up a bit." Hermes shrugged. "They have citations for their articles and claims, and you have to pay-"

"It. Is. _Wrong_." Athena glared the god into silence.

**looked up the monster's name and-**

"**Fuckin' dumbass, Gigantes weren't in this fight!" Naruto glared off panel again. "Bullshit, man, I gotta fight a legit giant-Oh, wait...Not anti-god...Just a run of the mill giant. Huh. Well, anyway, I ran into this loser a **_**looong**_** time ago. Like, pre-Deadpool Powers. Back when I was still **_**welcomed**_** at camp. I mean I am still welcomed, but apparently they're prejudiced against badassary. Go figure. So, in summary: Dude's a giant son of Poseidon, I killed his dumb ass before, don't exactly remember why...but yeah, killed him and apparently he's got the hots for Lester. ...Or is-is he talking about my bae? Oh, motherfucker best not be talkin' bout my bae! Hold on, I gots-ta take my weave out!"**

**Naruto huffed as time resumed once more and unsheathed his knives. He grinned eagerly behind his mask.**

"**Let's take a few inches off the top."**

**Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but... Kurama trailed off.**

_**Someone's getting cliffied~!**_** Yami sang.**

"That dirty rotten scoundrel." Demeter frowned. "We're kept waiting how long and then they do this? I suggest we drop this story!"

"I say we don't." Hades smiled.

"Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Doing the opposite of what I want!"

"Make me." Hades snorted as Demeter simply fumed. "...No? Go cry to Mother, Demeter."

"**What?" Naruto asked before he put his knives away and pulled out a copy of the story.**

**Almops, freed from the time distortion, stared in bewilderment while the demigods shared confused glances. To them, Naruto looked like he was flipping through an invisible book, but it was clearly there. They were just far too sane to see it. Those poor, poor sane fuckers.**

"Agreed, sanity is overrated." Dionysus smiled broadly as he willed another Diet Coke into existence.

"**Let's see, chapter four, chapter four, chapter-Hey, musical fourth wall dream. Nice!" Naruto chuckled. "Bet they made Thalia Grace read that.**

"Okay, I'm scared now." Thalia shuddered at the line.

Nico looked around. "I get forth wall and all that, but that's just too much."

"I never _ever_ want to meet him for real." Percy muttered as he trembled

**Heh, that'd be funny. Hm, wonder if she's a babe.**

"You sonova-!" Thalia's eyes sparked and glared at the page. "I'm going to cook his nuts over an open fire!"

Aphrodite looked at Artemis. "It's been only three years and she's this bad already?"

"She's not bad in any sense. She's wizened up." Artemis argued.

**Bucket list objective added – Ah-ha, here we are!"**

**Naruto smiled and trailed his finger along the lines of the page.**

"**Title, meh, could be better. Love the group though-Oh! There's Motherfuckin' Cable, lookin like a sexy badass, hope we see more of **_**him**_** later," Naruto said with a chuckle. At this point, Almops took a step back, but kept a wary eye on the son of Dionysus. The other demigods had already moved to cover, with Lester on a fire escape above and debating silently who he should shoot: The baddie or the idiot.**

"The baddie you fool!" Apollo chided. "No killing Narupool!"

"If he can that is." Hades reminded him pointedly.

"Exactly."

"**Comparing Annabeth to Magnus, staring at tits, hmm. Makes me look like a douche, but then again, I'm no saint. Ah, here's the wannabe WWF Champ...Heh, I'm a riot," Naruto said with a smirk before his eyes went wide. "Whoa, I'm rereading my own dialogue. That's like a fourth wall joke within a forth wall joke...That's like, Sixteen walls broken."**

"Maybe I should start up a company for forth wall insurance." Hermes stroked his chin in intrigue.

_**Skip to chapter five and jump back a page.**_** Yami advised.**

"**Spoilers! ...I love it." Naruto grinned and did as the voice in his head said. He looked at the bottom line and gasped. "No...No! NO! Don't you dare! You lazy-stupid-sonova-!"**

"Finally done!" Jason sighed in relief as he regained use of his mouth when the book vanished.

"Well, hopefully we get to read a new chapter sometime this year." Dionysus frowned, he was sad the chapter was over.

"Meh, who knows." Apollo shrugged and sat back with his hands behind his head. "But damn those cliff hangers to Tartarus."

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